Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

I can relate to everything you say. It's terribly difficult when the man you married isn't the same person sitting across the dinner table from you now. He's still the same, yet so different. My husband is losing his hearing too and resisted getting tested and fitted with hearing aids for years and years. I finally made an appointment for him, but he refused to go, so I had to cancel. I was able to reschedule once he got to the hearing center, he did fine. His hearing aids still are insufficient, but he hears marginally better. I find myself shouting and repeating things too and I hate that. I sound angry when most of the time I'm not. But I understand your anger and frustration. We see our husbands (or wives as the case may be) at their worst, while friends and family often see them making a great effort to be "normal." And the more intelligent they are, the longer they can keep up that facade. It's great that you can laugh. You must find ways to get some relief for yourself. That's as important for him as it is for you. Hang in there. You're not alone.

Thanks! I know, of course, that all this frustration is really not of much consequence, that I will look back on this later and think, what was I so distressed about? Those were the good days. So I try to think of it as training.
My default for all problems is swimming, which my husband doesn't like much. But he has been coming along, doing a lot of walking in the pool which is great. I still get a lot of restorative brain waves when I swim but it's not exactly doing something for myself by myself. He will not let me out of his sight (such as it is), so the opportunities are a bit limited.
I do think I'll try to conspire with the low-vision tech to get him to a hearing clinic. Losing two of your senses as well as your mind is pretty daunting and though he feels it's inevitable, maybe he would take the hearing aids on as a challenge if this wonderful Irish woman he likes so much is saying it's important,

My husband has MCI and his memory has really declined in last couple of months. We have lived in an over 55 active community for the last 20 years. My husband is 82 and used to play golf and cards but he has not done that in many months. He no longer drives and has become more dependent on me. I am 73 and still very active. I can still leave him to go out with friends, to the gym, or to play canasta. But I worry what the future will hold for us. Our two children and family live thousands of miles away. A few of our friends have recently moved into continuing care communities. What is the benefit of doing that rather than staying where we are as long as we can?

Before my husband was diagnosed with MCI I had a feeling that he might be ‘on that spectrum’ due to occasional outbursts, lack of interest in golf, a previous passion, and a host of other minor things. Our children also live on the other side of the country, and my parents led by the example of moving to a CCRC (later than they might have) but LOVED it - the people, the socialization, the activities, etc, and said often how they wished they had moved in much earlier when they were still traveling and when my father was stronger.
My husband, 83, and I, 77, moved to a CCRC connected with a major university, and we love it! We can audit classes, enjoy amazing programs on site from the U, participate in research, mentor students, attend cultural and athletic performances, and we have more activities in our building than we could possibly take advantage of and lovely camaraderie among our residents. There is a wonderful support group for we caregivers. In addition to interest groups in Sustainability, Drama, Chorus, Bridge, Book discussions, Current topics discussions, Gardening, Games, Cycling, Golf, there are also support groups for vision loss, and hearing loss. My husband is still very active and funny, tutors primary students in reading and loves it, but the MCI progresses. I relate to many of the letters such as yours. I am immensely grateful that we decided to move. As needed there will be assistance available in our apartment and/or in the memory unit, activities that we can both participate in, restaurants to enjoy, physiotherapy, fitness classes, doctors available on site. We won’t have to burden our children with our care. Good luck with your decision!

I have a dilemma and would appreciate some input. Yesterday my husband's old Mazda died and I spent much of the day dealing with having it towed, picking him up from where it expired, and finding a place to take it. Today I'll arrange to donate it to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. My husband has Alzheimer's that was diagnosed at least two years ago and had been evident for several years before that. Two doctors have recommended he stop driving, but he only drives to one or two places that he's very familiar with. One is a coffee shop where he's able to socialize and get out of the house for a few hours. I know he shouldn't drive anywhere else, but I think that for now he's okay. But, now that his car is gone it would be a good time for him to stop driving. My own car, a Toyota Camry that will live forever, is 21 years old and, though it runs okay, it's a mess. I've wanted a new car for a long time and am worried that mine will break down or need expensive repairs. Now would be a good time to get a new car and downsize to just having one. The trouble is, my husband wants a new car for himself. When I mentioned getting one for me and getting rid of my old decrepit vehicle (we are not a car-loving family particularly), he objected. I want him to stop driving but we've reached an impasse. I can't tell my husband to stop driving. I can't tell him to cut his long hair and beard, let alone stop driving. I know what I should do: get a doctor to do it, but I need some encouragement. What to do?

Hello:
You wrote you can't tell your husband to stop driving, but you actually can. Also, a doctor can tell him that if you don't want to.
Don't wait for a scary near miss (what happened to us); it's just too dangerous. Time for you to take charge and just tell him how it's going to be for safety sake.
Perhaps buy one new car for both of you to use. If you're retired, you probably only need one anyway; less insurance to pay.
Good luck!

I have a dilemma and would appreciate some input. Yesterday my husband's old Mazda died and I spent much of the day dealing with having it towed, picking him up from where it expired, and finding a place to take it. Today I'll arrange to donate it to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. My husband has Alzheimer's that was diagnosed at least two years ago and had been evident for several years before that. Two doctors have recommended he stop driving, but he only drives to one or two places that he's very familiar with. One is a coffee shop where he's able to socialize and get out of the house for a few hours. I know he shouldn't drive anywhere else, but I think that for now he's okay. But, now that his car is gone it would be a good time for him to stop driving. My own car, a Toyota Camry that will live forever, is 21 years old and, though it runs okay, it's a mess. I've wanted a new car for a long time and am worried that mine will break down or need expensive repairs. Now would be a good time to get a new car and downsize to just having one. The trouble is, my husband wants a new car for himself. When I mentioned getting one for me and getting rid of my old decrepit vehicle (we are not a car-loving family particularly), he objected. I want him to stop driving but we've reached an impasse. I can't tell my husband to stop driving. I can't tell him to cut his long hair and beard, let alone stop driving. I know what I should do: get a doctor to do it, but I need some encouragement. What to do?

When my husband's driving became a legitimate concern, I told him it was time to stop and cited two incidents that scared me as a passenger, wife, and potential co-defendant in an accident case. Whether your husband causes an accident or is involved in one caused by another driver, the fact remains that he has a dementia diagnosis of record, and you (wife) were aware of that fact as he continued to drive. The liability you share with him is real. Likely you have not advised your insurance company that one of the insured drivers on your policy has dementia or they may have required a certified driving assessment by a mental health professional or canceled his coverage. Unless your financial situation allows for self- insurance, and you are not concerned about causing property damage, serious bodily injury or death, or sharing in civil or criminal penalties arising from fault in a driving event, by all means continue to LET him drive. You can also advise him that due to your concerns for his safety, and the impact a serious accident may have on your financial security you will shift these worries to his PCP or physician managing his dementia. In this case liability would involve his doctor(s) and expose their medical licenses to jeopardy. No doctor will want to accept that type of liability. Physicians can initiate the process in your state of removing driving privileges. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a very serious issue for you, your husband, and those on the road with him. With dementia no one ever knows when the "first time" for something will occur even when in the driver's seat with an excellent previous driving record.