Years in grief?

Well, a psychologist, psychotherapist, or a Social worker, can suggest ways to cope. Grief is a very individual process. There are also lots of books regarding grief & ways folk have coped. Is there a grief group in your community? Also starting a journal where the first question you might address is, "What exactly am I grieving......about Dad........then, about Mom?" Each day you go back to your journal you can read what you thought yesterday.... & then add to it , or think about why you are grieving a certain thing ? You can write about an idea you have read about grief. You become your own best friend. Good luck.

Stay with us on connect. Keep on keeping on. No one is alone. Your body / mind reactions are normal. The traumas and reactions have been suppressed until now. Your systems were Protecting you. Now is the time for the dam to have broken. All the feelings and reactions your systems were entitled to are erupting now, all at once. It is overwhelming, but your systems have "waited" until they knew you were STRONG ENOUGH now to deal with it. It is painful and needs a great deal of time for the outflow to become manageable. It does not disappear, but it becomes "smaller."
At 33 you have more time to work on this than if it hit you at 63😊.
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
Check out recent Mayo Chats for trauma and healing. Stat in touch.

Sondheim

For me, an octo(genarian) I ask myself: Is this the BEST possible use of my time (minute, hour, day, weeks, years) that when I look BACK I could truly say: Yes, I used that time for what I Believed was Clearly my best use of the time spent. Time is always gone for ever, never to be recovered!

Now I am writing to you because I am hoping my words will help you see YOUR use of Your time such that ten years, ten months, or ten minutes later from this moment You could say to yourself: I did not waste MY Time in ways that could have been better spent.

Life, death, loss, sickness, accidents are part of life-on-earth. I just came back from emergency room because I had serious injury from dear cat bite. I even thought, 'Could I lose my left hand? How will I live then? After all people do lose limbs around us... and still live on. Often they have little time left after they have done making sure they have food and shelter and hopefully a few friends who they can share their real and urgent needs.
But what if they have a lot more TIME. That is a question I find most interesting in our today's life of most people in the prosperous world.

In short, a 'good life' can still be lived if we confront ourselves with the question I pose above: Is this the use of my time I won't regret later on because I did not see the Potential for a much more enriching, enjoyable, Meaningful Life? I will start with only what is in My control.

I wish you find the light that steers you toward possibilities that await you!

Hi Tammy,
I'm sorry that you are going through all of this and for all this time! That's hard. Life isn't always how we think it's going to be and when things happen, we aren't always prepared. I'm 79 and my husband of 30 years died a year ago this month of lung cancer. Even though we expected it, you are never prepared. All of a sudden I was totally alone. Some friends and neighbors were very nice and helpful but they have all lost interest since then and I'm alone again. At my age, all of my friends and family have died. Also my son hasn't spoken to me in over 20 years and I'm not sure why. That really hurts much like your father rejecting you.

What has helped me the most is prayer. I just talk to God like he's my best friend and he is! I ask for his help often and I receive it. I also read the Bible daily. Mainly because it's interesting and very historical but also at 79, I don't want to get up to Heaven and have to tell God that I hadn't read the book! Plus the Bible gives you a lot of guidance.

The nice thing about your situation is that you are only 33! That is very young and you have your whole life before you to do whatever you want and desire to do with it. It's entirely your decision. The past has not been good for you. So, leave it there. In the past. Ask God for help in dealing with the past but eventually just ignore it. You can't change it. Go on with your very bright future! Find a career that you enjoy or go to college or back to college whatever you want. Or meet a wonderful person and get married and start a family. You have so many choices at your age! I envy you! Also I assume that you are probably in pretty good health. That's another plus! At 79 I'm in fairly good health but at that age, things start to not work right. That's just the way God designed our bodies so we'd be prepared for death.

It also helps to notice the positive things in your life. Good food that you enjoy, a beautiful flower that you saw, a gorgeous sunset etc. In my case the positive things were being able to lift heavy old tool items from my husband's shed and carry them to the dumpster! I was amazed that I could do that but I did! They had to be cleared out and there was no one but me. Also putting gas in the car. I hadn't done that in years but I was able to! (Those gas nozzles are heavy!)
Tammy, just think positive about yourself and say a prayer! You will get through all of this. I'll say a prayer for you also.
PML

So sorry for your experience. We all have different journeys where we feel like no one knows what we are going through. It it is true that you are going through your specific heart ache and journey and if you are like me, it ticks me off that no one can feel my frustration and it is not other folks fault that they cant comprehend what you are going through. So sorry you lost your mom at such a young age. That is trauma in itself. Another trauma with you and your dad. It is necessary that you have recognized that these two incidents have affected your life. You see the wounds and now you can seek to heal. I know you cant bring your mom back. Accepting that is part of the healing. And i know that hurts even if it has been many years. As far as your father, when the time is right for you, maybr you can extend an invitation to reconcile. Even if it means taking a big breath and saying that we dont have to agree on everything but maybe we can look beyond our differences and agree to disagree. Hope this helps and best wishes. Reconciliation is tricky and someyimes you have to create your own recipe on navigating these family tangles. Just try to do it as peaceful as you can. Peace always wins. Kind regards

Hello. I feel such deep loss and emotional pain listening to your pain as you describe it.

I lost my son to domestic violence over 20 years ago. He is the light of my life. I will never get over the loss. Our lives were ruined by his father who focused very purposefully on destroying us until our emotional connection was destroyed.

It’s called “maternal alienation”. It creates the erasure of the loved one. Deep, deep irresolvable pain. It should be prosecuted in criminal courts around the world. Very few professionals of any kind are educated in this area of human suffering.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. It is comforting to know there are people who understand ❤️

I'm going to be 60 next year. Never thought I would see 40. My brother and I were both adopted at birth. So people might say, that we weren't blood related. Hated that. We were three years apart. As usual when we were growing up we would fight like kids do. Didn't really spend any time together except for family stuff you know holidays our relatives special occasions. I was always his little sis. Not until we became young adults working in the casino business. He moved to Las Vegas. Couple months later I moved in with him. Stayed there a few years. Decided to move to Mississippi where a new casino was opening. Being there for about a year he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Back to Philadelphia to have surgery. Horrible thing to see. He healed we moved on to Connecticut where he was then diagnosed with testicular cancer. How much more can he take. Treatments which made him so sick, he would have to pull over on the highway to throw up. In his suit and tie. They had to remove his testicle. Ten years later, bad diabetes. Everything he was going through I was right there next to him. Not my big brother. Yea well ... Ever diagnosis every good or bad situation, we were together. Him and me against the world. We loved hard but we fought just as hard. Almost connected at the hip. Actually we were connected by our being adopted. I lost him 2012 from a heart attack. It took me a year to start believing he was really gone but when I did.... I couldn't move. I lay on my bed in a fetal position. Crying nonstop. The depression, anger and confusion was so overwhelming. Looking back, I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. Physically couldn't move. Something had to give. I started writing about my days and how I was feeling. A journal I guess. After a few entries, found myself actually talking to Dino. (My Brother) Talking to him as if he was right there. Cursing at him. Laughing at things we had done all our lives. Private jokes we had about our mother. Wanting to hear that belly laugh just one more time. It gets easier in time. I don't think you ever get over it but the pain does eventually subside and you find yourself starting to laugh at the memories instead of crying. Sometimes I find myself with those happy tears I've heard people talk about. Take your time. Feel all those feelings personally. Get mad, cry there are no rules about what your supposed to to be feeling. Take your time. Get it all out your way. It's going to be tough at times but you'll be relieved or maybe just content with yourself and your feelings. All the luck, love and happiness to you. Take care of yourself. My prayers are with you. Dana

@mailtodana66, such good advice. What a special relationship you and your brother had. I agree that the loss doesn't get smaller. Rather live grows around the loss to hold it and be able to breathe again.