I'm going to be 60 next year. Never thought I would see 40. My brother and I were both adopted at birth. So people might say, that we weren't blood related. Hated that. We were three years apart. As usual when we were growing up we would fight like kids do. Didn't really spend any time together except for family stuff you know holidays our relatives special occasions. I was always his little sis. Not until we became young adults working in the casino business. He moved to Las Vegas. Couple months later I moved in with him. Stayed there a few years. Decided to move to Mississippi where a new casino was opening. Being there for about a year he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Back to Philadelphia to have surgery. Horrible thing to see. He healed we moved on to Connecticut where he was then diagnosed with testicular cancer. How much more can he take. Treatments which made him so sick, he would have to pull over on the highway to throw up. In his suit and tie. They had to remove his testicle. Ten years later, bad diabetes. Everything he was going through I was right there next to him. Not my big brother. Yea well ... Ever diagnosis every good or bad situation, we were together. Him and me against the world. We loved hard but we fought just as hard. Almost connected at the hip. Actually we were connected by our being adopted. I lost him 2012 from a heart attack. It took me a year to start believing he was really gone but when I did.... I couldn't move. I lay on my bed in a fetal position. Crying nonstop. The depression, anger and confusion was so overwhelming. Looking back, I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. Physically couldn't move. Something had to give. I started writing about my days and how I was feeling. A journal I guess. After a few entries, found myself actually talking to Dino. (My Brother) Talking to him as if he was right there. Cursing at him. Laughing at things we had done all our lives. Private jokes we had about our mother. Wanting to hear that belly laugh just one more time. It gets easier in time. I don't think you ever get over it but the pain does eventually subside and you find yourself starting to laugh at the memories instead of crying. Sometimes I find myself with those happy tears I've heard people talk about. Take your time. Feel all those feelings personally. Get mad, cry there are no rules about what your supposed to to be feeling. Take your time. Get it all out your way. It's going to be tough at times but you'll be relieved or maybe just content with yourself and your feelings. All the luck, love and happiness to you. Take care of yourself. My prayers are with you. Dana