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Hi Tammy,
I'm sorry that you are going through all of this and for all this time! That's hard. Life isn't always how we think it's going to be and when things happen, we aren't always prepared. I'm 79 and my husband of 30 years died a year ago this month of lung cancer. Even though we expected it, you are never prepared. All of a sudden I was totally alone. Some friends and neighbors were very nice and helpful but they have all lost interest since then and I'm alone again. At my age, all of my friends and family have died. Also my son hasn't spoken to me in over 20 years and I'm not sure why. That really hurts much like your father rejecting you.
What has helped me the most is prayer. I just talk to God like he's my best friend and he is! I ask for his help often and I receive it. I also read the Bible daily. Mainly because it's interesting and very historical but also at 79, I don't want to get up to Heaven and have to tell God that I hadn't read the book! Plus the Bible gives you a lot of guidance.
The nice thing about your situation is that you are only 33! That is very young and you have your whole life before you to do whatever you want and desire to do with it. It's entirely your decision. The past has not been good for you. So, leave it there. In the past. Ask God for help in dealing with the past but eventually just ignore it. You can't change it. Go on with your very bright future! Find a career that you enjoy or go to college or back to college whatever you want. Or meet a wonderful person and get married and start a family. You have so many choices at your age! I envy you! Also I assume that you are probably in pretty good health. That's another plus! At 79 I'm in fairly good health but at that age, things start to not work right. That's just the way God designed our bodies so we'd be prepared for death.
It also helps to notice the positive things in your life. Good food that you enjoy, a beautiful flower that you saw, a gorgeous sunset etc. In my case the positive things were being able to lift heavy old tool items from my husband's shed and carry them to the dumpster! I was amazed that I could do that but I did! They had to be cleared out and there was no one but me. Also putting gas in the car. I hadn't done that in years but I was able to! (Those gas nozzles are heavy!)
Tammy, just think positive about yourself and say a prayer! You will get through all of this. I'll say a prayer for you also.
PML
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I'm going to be 60 next year. Never thought I would see 40. My brother and I were both adopted at birth. So people might say, that we weren't blood related. Hated that. We were three years apart. As usual when we were growing up we would fight like kids do. Didn't really spend any time together except for family stuff you know holidays our relatives special occasions. I was always his little sis. Not until we became young adults working in the casino business. He moved to Las Vegas. Couple months later I moved in with him. Stayed there a few years. Decided to move to Mississippi where a new casino was opening. Being there for about a year he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Back to Philadelphia to have surgery. Horrible thing to see. He healed we moved on to Connecticut where he was then diagnosed with testicular cancer. How much more can he take. Treatments which made him so sick, he would have to pull over on the highway to throw up. In his suit and tie. They had to remove his testicle. Ten years later, bad diabetes. Everything he was going through I was right there next to him. Not my big brother. Yea well ... Ever diagnosis every good or bad situation, we were together. Him and me against the world. We loved hard but we fought just as hard. Almost connected at the hip. Actually we were connected by our being adopted. I lost him 2012 from a heart attack. It took me a year to start believing he was really gone but when I did.... I couldn't move. I lay on my bed in a fetal position. Crying nonstop. The depression, anger and confusion was so overwhelming. Looking back, I truly believe I had a nervous breakdown. Physically couldn't move. Something had to give. I started writing about my days and how I was feeling. A journal I guess. After a few entries, found myself actually talking to Dino. (My Brother) Talking to him as if he was right there. Cursing at him. Laughing at things we had done all our lives. Private jokes we had about our mother. Wanting to hear that belly laugh just one more time. It gets easier in time. I don't think you ever get over it but the pain does eventually subside and you find yourself starting to laugh at the memories instead of crying. Sometimes I find myself with those happy tears I've heard people talk about. Take your time. Feel all those feelings personally. Get mad, cry there are no rules about what your supposed to to be feeling. Take your time. Get it all out your way. It's going to be tough at times but you'll be relieved or maybe just content with yourself and your feelings. All the luck, love and happiness to you. Take care of yourself. My prayers are with you. Dana