What boundaries to set for my 29 yr old alcoholic son?

I find you very wise and I don’t say that often, sometimes I wonder why God lets us suffer and I’m certainly not alone in feeling this way… when I read your post it was filled with so much pain but you turned it around and it became your wisdom and inevitably your strength, God does work in strange ways sometimes.

Viktor Frankl (1905–1997) was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and Holocaust survivor who developed logotherapy to my mind his philosophy that one must make meaning from suffering is grace itself.

Like Sisyphus…my “why” makes my “how” tolerable.

For me that is my promise to my children…that is my why and it exceeds all how’s.

Find your why.

For me it is always other directed.

My suggestion too. I am a member, as well se the reason some people attend Al-Anon meetings. (You get it).

First of all I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. I was 18 and my boyfriend was addicted to drugs and his mother and I were in your exact position. We couldn’t sleep we were always up waiting for him to come home. Sickening feeling. BUT eventually, he was told he was not allowed back. He then went down the block to an old time friend and his family, which only put up with him for a couple weeks until the mother felt like us! Long story short, but no one would give him anything anymore. Everyone stopped! So he moved out of state. Got help from his father but eventually got in a lot of trouble. But the end of the story is he FINALLY hit rock bottom! Got help and hasn’t done drugs anymore. There’s hope, I promise. But you have to be tough. My mom tried to help him and cashed a check for him even though I told her not to, it was a bad check and with the $ my mom gave him he overdosed that night. He ended up in the hospital for the night. So the longer you enable him the more miserable situations you will witness.
I really hope this helps 🙂

Enabling is when a person does not have their own set of boundaries.

The enabler has a self serving need hidden inside themselves that is stronger than "love" for the person they mistakenly think they are helping.

One cannot relieve the person suffering from an addiction, truly: only the addicted can help themselves by wanting to help themself when enough is enough.

Sad as it is: not every puppy in the pound can be saved.

You may not have control over your son’s behavior or actions, but you do have control over how you choose to respond. Setting boundaries that you are comfortable with is very important. I've learned this after 18 years and my daughter struggling with substances. Please check our Learn to Cope. . . a nonprofit peer support group for families struggling with their loved ones substance use. http://www.learn2cope.org
You can join a Zoom meeting from wherever you live and you will realize you're not alone and there is HOPE.

His girlfriend is either very co-dependent/suffering from her own mental health issues and/or also in addiction herself (could be drugs if not alcohol). If you know she is not on the same page (about wanting him to stop) then he has zero chance of staying sober/committing to his recovery while they are living together. I know your pain well. My son is 33 and has been dealing with Alcohol Use Disorder for almost 7 years now. He's also done various drugs on and off (they often go together so don't be naive about that). He also has cancer. The damage alcohol has done to his body is horrific. The longest he's been sober is about 5 months. His last relapse was the worst and it started after his girlfriend moved in. You are right to hold boundaries about requesting sobriety while he is in your house. I would suggest you hold firm on that and if you know he has been "sneaking" it in, then that's a violation of your boundary. You need your own support to get through this! There are other support groups for parents/families of addicted loved ones out there in addition to Al-Anon, such as CRAFT. These are free and are often online (although some are in person) and non-secular. Just google CRAFT recovery groups (which stands for Community Reinforcement and Family Training). SMART recovery for Family & Friends, and PAL (parents of Addicted Loved Ones).

My son is 40, does not live with me. I suspected he was abusing his prescription amphetamines for awhile now. But found positive proof the last time he visited me in August. I was snooping...& didn't confront him before he left. I don't know how to proceed. He visits several times a year and we speak weekly on the phone. I spoke to him last night and he sounded fine. He is working but has isolated himself from all former friends and he had a lot. Sometimes I see some paranoia but not to the extreme. I am afraid if I bring it up he will, of course, deny it and become angry. I am afraid of becoming estranged from him. He is my only child, he's not married. Should he cut off all contact with me I know I will become very depressed. His father (my ex) lives down south and really doesn't care if he sees him or speaks with him. I most certainly do. I am flying next month to see him for his birthday...and don't want to spoil that. Then there is Christmas and he always spends it with me and my husband. I feel I am between a rock and a hard place. I was on line with Nar-anon support group for Moms and they don't give you advice. But all of them are in a different place than me. Some of the Moms don't know where their adult child is - or haven't seen them in years. They have learned "let go"...I could never cope with that. Anyone with thoughts on my situation or experience with it? Many kind thanks.

@briarrose
I am part of a peer support Learn to Cope - http://www.learn2cope.org
There is no right or wrong way to deal with your loved ones substance use. Take a peek at the website; you might find some support. There are Zoom meetings every night at 7 pm EST. You might benefit from hopping on and listening. Good luck!

I believe the best way to seek help for him to seek help for yourself. Ala-non is a wonderful program and I'm sure there's meetings online if you can't or don't want to attend in person The people there have gone through what you are going through. They understand. Too much to mention here, but I strongly suggest Ala-non. They're the experts. They know the mistakes we all make in dealing with the addict. It's not your fault and actually, it's not your son's fault either. He doesn't want to be an alcoholic. It is a mental disease.
I wish you the best and your son as well.