To everyone. I am dreadfully sorry to have set off an alarm!!!!!!! I am okay and only now checked the forum. To the moderators and everyone, please let me know how i should connect if something is scary for me. I took 4 valium. 5 mg. Each. So that would be 20 mg. At one time. The last time i became so distressed was when i was at my son's funeral in August. I took 4 valium to numb the pain. His suicide, and walking in his blood, was too much for me. His birthday and the anniversary of his 5 month death was on the same day, january 13th. I have not been quite right since then. I left all my support and therapist in north carolina when i moved 6 weeks after eddie died. I live in pagosa springs, colorado and the closest town is durango, 60 miles away. There is no support for survivors of suicide loss , made more complex by my clinical depression and PTSD flashbacks to the scene of his death. At least in this town. Suicide is a hush hush word to those who have not experienced it. And the people around me, even my friends, have criticized me and called me self serving and uncaring about others who have lost loved ones.
That is because when i first got here in october, in hopes of trying to recover, i had seen a grief counselor who told me that the stress of a suicide loss survivor, or murder events or military PTSD, etc. ...... This process is called traumatic, complex grief and is treated differently in terms of therapy. All grief is traumatic and horrible....but under certain extremely traumatic events, it's kind of like peeliing an onion..... So many layers.
When i tried to talk about this to my friends, they turned away from me. They told me that what i was really saying was that "my loss is greater than theirs."
The only way to deal with all this is to just repress everything and put on a happy face and say i feel great. But then when his birthday and death anniversary happened the same day......there really isn't anywhere to turn. More on next reply.
There is an expression "small towns, small minds".
In reading this post it is absolutely positively a major step forward for you to get to the therapy that can benefit you the most.
Am sending virtual hugs and support and keeping only good thoughts for You!!!
Thank you johnjames for your concern and i didn't think to call the crisis line. I just needed to zone out and i don't drink or use drugs except prescribed. I am just totally in the wrong environment for resources, i guess. I did tell my husband that i was going to take 4 valium but he is a guy who is not comfortable with emotions. And he is not the father of my children.
Oh, i did finally realize that my youngest son's father also killed himself by hanging just as my son Eddie did. I have worked on crisis lines for years so i actually am aware of my behavior and increasing dysfunction. I guess i am mixing these two suicides. I have thought of checking into the hospital but i am not actively suicidal and am not a harm to anyone and do not have a plan and all the prerequisites, so to speak.
I am totally aware that i need some help here, and i feel like i am just kinda watching myself in a movie. Another thing. I did just finish reading "No Time to Say Goodbye" , Surviving the loss of a loved one, by Carla Fine. Broadway Books, division of Random House. I had to order it from the library.
She said that the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , states that "the level of stress resulting from suicide loss is ranked as catastrophic, equivalent to a concentration camp experience."
I know that survivors of suicide loss have a high incidence of suicidal thoughts and completion than the rest of the population. I am very careful about all this, but i can't quite solve or resolve this. I will post another reply.
Johnhans, here is anthoughtnabout v8ounterring. You might volunteering on line . i haveminvestigated myself andmit just requires a tekephone. Imseem to be h hmhaving too much troublr writ7ng.nsoni have tonsign offl .mineombelieve. I think mynsons suicide plus. Recent events that are toomstressful hav3njust put me over thenerg3.ni intook 4 valium anr i will go to sleep.
Johnjames, i did not know you are a chaplain.i don't know what anyone can do. I guess keeping in touch would be good. It is kind of hard just getting on the forum because i just am not feeling up to connecting. I am so grateful for everyone here.
My service dog is with me every Sunday at church, and many people know she's a psychiatric service dog. I've never felt any hostility or negativity. The church I used to go to were very accepting, and were really sad when we changed to another church. The only reason we left was that the pastor didn't believe in psychology or psychiatry, and made me feel wrongly judged. I think the church is growing up in its misperceptions of mental illness. I am a retired minister, and have felt the stigma firsthand. It's unfortunate, because that's certainly not what Jesus modeled.
I just changed my profile picture to a colored pencil drawing made of my previous service dog, Barnabas, who died a year ago.
Jmhd, just read your post and family genetics and depression. And thoughts of suicide. Well, i am with you on this. Runs wild in all my family and two of my children. I guess i would call myself "passive suicidal ideations". I have had so many years of therapy and it did help. It sounds like a good idea to maybe get on that today, if you feel up to it. I am praying for you, as we all are.
To everyone. I am dreadfully sorry to have set off an alarm!!!!!!! I am okay and only now checked the forum. To the moderators and everyone, please let me know how i should connect if something is scary for me. I took 4 valium. 5 mg. Each. So that would be 20 mg. At one time. The last time i became so distressed was when i was at my son's funeral in August. I took 4 valium to numb the pain. His suicide, and walking in his blood, was too much for me. His birthday and the anniversary of his 5 month death was on the same day, january 13th. I have not been quite right since then. I left all my support and therapist in north carolina when i moved 6 weeks after eddie died. I live in pagosa springs, colorado and the closest town is durango, 60 miles away. There is no support for survivors of suicide loss , made more complex by my clinical depression and PTSD flashbacks to the scene of his death. At least in this town. Suicide is a hush hush word to those who have not experienced it. And the people around me, even my friends, have criticized me and called me self serving and uncaring about others who have lost loved ones.
That is because when i first got here in october, in hopes of trying to recover, i had seen a grief counselor who told me that the stress of a suicide loss survivor, or murder events or military PTSD, etc. ...... This process is called traumatic, complex grief and is treated differently in terms of therapy. All grief is traumatic and horrible....but under certain extremely traumatic events, it's kind of like peeliing an onion..... So many layers.
When i tried to talk about this to my friends, they turned away from me. They told me that what i was really saying was that "my loss is greater than theirs."
The only way to deal with all this is to just repress everything and put on a happy face and say i feel great. But then when his birthday and death anniversary happened the same day......there really isn't anywhere to turn. More on next reply.
@georgette12 Thanks so much for contacting us today, it is so good to hear from you. We were all concerned. It sounds as if you have been in a difficult place and it is good to have you back on the forum. Let us know how we can be of help to you. Blessings and hugs, Teresa
Johnhans, here is anthoughtnabout v8ounterring. You might volunteering on line . i haveminvestigated myself andmit just requires a tekephone. Imseem to be h hmhaving too much troublr writ7ng.nsoni have tonsign offl .mineombelieve. I think mynsons suicide plus. Recent events that are toomstressful hav3njust put me over thenerg3.ni intook 4 valium anr i will go to sleep.
Thanks so very much. Hopeful and ladycat, i know there is a grief counselor here that specializes in traumatic grief and PTSD. She is extremely good and it is very rare to find an actual therapist who specializes in this area. I started out by paying a sliding scale fee. Then that was denied because i have insurance but that is a 40 dollar copay, which i do not have.
My husband and i lost our home and everything we had in the economic downturn and we have been trying to financially recover all this time. Not too successfully, i guess cause my husband keeps getting relocated as a chef. And we keep ending up in very nice towns, but employers do not pay anything like they should.
I have come to believe that what people say is true...... Employers figure that residents should feel priveleged to live in a tourist town and they figure that they do not need to pay them competitively because they have such great views! Blessings.
I am signing off for a few hours but i will check in later to tell you i am ok. Very sorry for alarming you. If i feel like that again i will call.....or sign in....or whatever is the way to do it. I do feel selfish for totally not thinking i should get back to you. I can give you my phone number . or i can text someone i should text. What should i do? Hugs and stuff.
Georgett12, I am so relieved to hear that you are still with us! It sounds as if you have had an extremely traumatic situation to deal with. I don't know what I would do in the same situation. My thoughts are with you and I am sending white light to surround you and protect you as you heal. Please let Thersa, the moderator of this site, know how to contact you. I'm glad you reached out this time because a couple of us, including myself, picked up that you were struggling. I was afraid you had taken too much Valium! It was frustrating not knowing how to get in touch with you or someone in your family. Im happy that you are better than the other day. Gail B.
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There is an expression "small towns, small minds".
In reading this post it is absolutely positively a major step forward for you to get to the therapy that can benefit you the most.
Am sending virtual hugs and support and keeping only good thoughts for You!!!
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Helpful -
Hug
3 ReactionsThank you johnjames for your concern and i didn't think to call the crisis line. I just needed to zone out and i don't drink or use drugs except prescribed. I am just totally in the wrong environment for resources, i guess. I did tell my husband that i was going to take 4 valium but he is a guy who is not comfortable with emotions. And he is not the father of my children.
Oh, i did finally realize that my youngest son's father also killed himself by hanging just as my son Eddie did. I have worked on crisis lines for years so i actually am aware of my behavior and increasing dysfunction. I guess i am mixing these two suicides. I have thought of checking into the hospital but i am not actively suicidal and am not a harm to anyone and do not have a plan and all the prerequisites, so to speak.
I am totally aware that i need some help here, and i feel like i am just kinda watching myself in a movie. Another thing. I did just finish reading "No Time to Say Goodbye" , Surviving the loss of a loved one, by Carla Fine. Broadway Books, division of Random House. I had to order it from the library.
She said that the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders , states that "the level of stress resulting from suicide loss is ranked as catastrophic, equivalent to a concentration camp experience."
I know that survivors of suicide loss have a high incidence of suicidal thoughts and completion than the rest of the population. I am very careful about all this, but i can't quite solve or resolve this. I will post another reply.
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Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionJohnjames, i did not know you are a chaplain.i don't know what anyone can do. I guess keeping in touch would be good. It is kind of hard just getting on the forum because i just am not feeling up to connecting. I am so grateful for everyone here.
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Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionJmhd, just read your post and family genetics and depression. And thoughts of suicide. Well, i am with you on this. Runs wild in all my family and two of my children. I guess i would call myself "passive suicidal ideations". I have had so many years of therapy and it did help. It sounds like a good idea to maybe get on that today, if you feel up to it. I am praying for you, as we all are.
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Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@georgette12 Thanks so much for contacting us today, it is so good to hear from you. We were all concerned. It sounds as if you have been in a difficult place and it is good to have you back on the forum. Let us know how we can be of help to you. Blessings and hugs, Teresa
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Hug
2 Reactions@georgette12 And we are grateful for you! Teresa
Thanks so very much. Hopeful and ladycat, i know there is a grief counselor here that specializes in traumatic grief and PTSD. She is extremely good and it is very rare to find an actual therapist who specializes in this area. I started out by paying a sliding scale fee. Then that was denied because i have insurance but that is a 40 dollar copay, which i do not have.
My husband and i lost our home and everything we had in the economic downturn and we have been trying to financially recover all this time. Not too successfully, i guess cause my husband keeps getting relocated as a chef. And we keep ending up in very nice towns, but employers do not pay anything like they should.
I have come to believe that what people say is true...... Employers figure that residents should feel priveleged to live in a tourist town and they figure that they do not need to pay them competitively because they have such great views! Blessings.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsI am signing off for a few hours but i will check in later to tell you i am ok. Very sorry for alarming you. If i feel like that again i will call.....or sign in....or whatever is the way to do it. I do feel selfish for totally not thinking i should get back to you. I can give you my phone number . or i can text someone i should text. What should i do? Hugs and stuff.
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Like -
Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsGeorgett12, I am so relieved to hear that you are still with us! It sounds as if you have had an extremely traumatic situation to deal with. I don't know what I would do in the same situation. My thoughts are with you and I am sending white light to surround you and protect you as you heal. Please let Thersa, the moderator of this site, know how to contact you. I'm glad you reached out this time because a couple of us, including myself, picked up that you were struggling. I was afraid you had taken too much Valium! It was frustrating not knowing how to get in touch with you or someone in your family. Im happy that you are better than the other day. Gail B.
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Helpful -
Hug
2 ReactionsGood to hear from you @georgette12. I admire your keen self- awareness.