What can I do to keep him busy?

Posted by gpingley477 @gpingley477, Jun 2 3:38pm

What can I do to keep my husband busy? My husband has always been active. He was an athlete and enjoyed working in the yard. Now he has no interests. He doesn’t read. He goes through stages where he can’t find what he’d like to see on TV and has no idea how to find anything. I don’t even know what he likes on TV anymore. He does not do puzzles. He does not do word games. I can’t get him engaged in our photo albums and historical information. He does not want to play cards, Domino’s or any other games like that. How should I answer when he says “what should I do?”

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@pamela78

Honestly, I don't worry about finding things for my husband to do. The things he wants to do, he does: goes to his favorite coffee shop and talks to people (I hope they have patience), unloads the dishwasher, makes the bed, does the laundry in the basement, picks up sticks in the yard. He's very proud of all these tasks when accomplished. The rest of the time he watches TV, where he inevitably falls asleep. Some patients like to walk around, others repeat the same tasks over and over. I deal with my husband the way I dealt with my children when they were young: I let them entertain themselves for the most part. They had toys and books and a yard to play in. It was up to them what they did with them. Of course, a parent must be more involved in a child's activities, but I say, if an old fellow wants to watch returns of "Friends" all day long, he has every right to do that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not a micromanager. My kids turned out great and my husband is happy. The anger is part of the deal, I'm afraid. You're not alone and those who don't admit their frustration are in denial about their own feelings. This disease means great loss. Disappointment and anger are inevitable. We have to adapt. When my husband was first diagnosed, I was angry (at what? him? the universe?), then depressed and grief-stricken. When friends asked me how I was doing, I told them how hard things were. Now I accept the reality and am grateful that we're doing as well as we are. When asked how I'm doing, I now say, "Okay." There are lots of stages so you can always say, This too shall pass.

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Thank you . But my spouse is selective and knows the difference between right and wrong. He complains that he wants to go out ...but when we do he does not want to be there. He is blaming me for this illness. I am the only person who knows him better than his Doctors.

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@scupper

This is a reminder that my feelings are normal. I find my anger returning when I watch my husband "waste his time" watching tv, or playing a computer game and usually falling asleep...for hours a day. I am learning to move on...go do those activities that are meaningful to me. Right now, I am not worried about leaving him alone while I play golf or cards etc. There may come a time when I need to be on hand most of the day...and I dread that time. Love that question...who am I angry with...a disease that he can't control? That anger flares up frequently, still. I am working at controlling my emotions but it is tough. There is a part of me that believes he could fight this a little harder...sitting in front of a tv for hours lulls his brain into nothingness...that flat affect. I can see him become animated when we are with other people. He enjoys interactions, casual ones and planned. I am torn between thinking I should be the one making sure he has these interactions or letting him just be. Should I let him do what he chooses, even if it is watching hours of tv?

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I agree!

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@nmrcdigman

Is there a drop in group he could go to for a few hours a day near you?
A friend’s husband didn’t want to go to one at first, and wouldn’t participate in any activities and then he
became very involved and looked forward to going.
I’m looking into a local one for us.

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My mother found a day care program ran by the city which she takes my father to three times a week. After one year of applying for a grant it went through. For some it can be free of cost including transportation. I hope this helps.

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@picnola

My mother found a day care program ran by the city which she takes my father to three times a week. After one year of applying for a grant it went through. For some it can be free of cost including transportation. I hope this helps.

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Thank you

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@mablesmith

Father's Day! I'm the one with MCI! A delivery was to be made at our house and since it was father's day I said I'd stay home to accept it. It was a lawn mower my husband should not have ordered at this time!! On a Sunday and a holiday at that. When it was delivered I called to let the family know it had been delivered and they could come get me which is 15 minutes away- I can no longer drive - my husband told them I didn't want to come! NOT TRUE! Both daughters called later to say they were sorry I didn't want to come. Did I actually say I didn't want to be with my family? I sure don't remember that but after all I'm the one with the mental problem. As the previous writer said. Rant over. I can't cause an uproar in our family.

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So sad and disappointing, @mablesmith, that you missed a celebration with your family!

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@tsc

So sad and disappointing, @mablesmith, that you missed a celebration with your family!

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Teri: Thank you. You know, I'm on the other side of this MCI thing. I get that people are so frustrated with caring for us but I'm at the beginning of this and all my family said was WE missed you no one even thought of how I felt being alone for four plus hours. I'm not a t.v. watcher. I have Macular Degeneration so I can read for long. Okay I'm still having a pity party but I can only "complain" to you. It's Wednesday and I still feel sad. I now know how people feel in assistant living with no one visiting. Boo, Boo, Boo. I can't drive so I'll wait until he's ready to take me to Wal-mart! You can't imagine how this feels. I thank you so much for listening I sure can't burden my family they will just so poor mom and go on their day. Have a blessed rest of the day.

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@mablesmith

Teri: Thank you. You know, I'm on the other side of this MCI thing. I get that people are so frustrated with caring for us but I'm at the beginning of this and all my family said was WE missed you no one even thought of how I felt being alone for four plus hours. I'm not a t.v. watcher. I have Macular Degeneration so I can read for long. Okay I'm still having a pity party but I can only "complain" to you. It's Wednesday and I still feel sad. I now know how people feel in assistant living with no one visiting. Boo, Boo, Boo. I can't drive so I'll wait until he's ready to take me to Wal-mart! You can't imagine how this feels. I thank you so much for listening I sure can't burden my family they will just so poor mom and go on their day. Have a blessed rest of the day.

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Hi @mablesmith, would it be possible to speak to your daughters and tell them about the misunderstanding? Maybe next time something like this comes up, speak to someone in addition to your husband to make sure your message is understood.

The Alzheimer's Association has a 24 hour helpline:

Our 24/7 Helpline is here for you
The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline (800.272.3900) is a free service offering support for people living with Alzheimer’s or another dementia, caregivers, families and the public, even on holidays. Connect with a live person who can provide information, local resources, crisis assistance and emotional support.

Maybe there are services near you, like special transportation and a support group/activity program you could attend, and special classes and training for persons with macular degeneration and other visual impairments.

It's difficult when you're dependent on one person!

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