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I hate what I've become
I've been on this forum for a few weeks now, so I don't think I need to repeat the entire story of the last 15 years of my life here. Long story short, I'm 66 years old, been retired on SSDI for almost 10 years now, and suffer from chronic pain due to osteoarthritis, and idiopathic poly neuropathy in my feet.
From October of 2011 to November of 2018, I had surgery 12 times. I had 5 knee operations, 3 carpal tunnel surgeries, elbow surgery, 2 spinal fusion procedures in my neck, and skin cancer removal.
Physically, I'm now a shell of what I used to be, I have no physical endurance any more, I can't walk for more than 10 or 15 minutes without help, and I have balance issues as well. I'm not allowed to get on a ladder by my family for any reason now, which is humiliating.
I always worked a very physical job for over 35 years, which obviously has taken it's toll.
When I walked away from my job in July of '15, we had to sell our home and move in with our son and his family for 2 years. Retiring the way I did completely screwed my wife and myself over financially forever, we 'll never own a home again, and she's working to support us while I sit on my ass in the house dealing with the chronic, never ending pain.
I swore that I'd never become a fat old man when I was retired, and that's exactly what I've become.
I've decided that I'm done with the "specialist" doctors, I've had so many of them, and mostly what they've done is cost us money that we don't have. How can I lose weight if I can't even walk any more? I'm done them. I'm not going to bankrupt ourselves or our kids with more surgeries or treatments.
My life is pain, and pain just means that I'm still alive.
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Why am I still here?
That's what I've been sitting here wondering for the past hour, why am I still here? I had my follow up appointment with my GP earlier today, and I didn't really get any new info regarding my overall physical health other than the fact that I'm full of sh!t, literally.
On top of my arthritis and neuropathy pain, I've been dealing with some digestive issues for the past few years. I've seen a GI and had all of the tests done, and nothings really stood out, other than me being lactose intolerant for the second time in my life.
3 months ago my GP prescribed 2 drugs that he thought might help me lose some weight. Well, it didn't do anything but screw up my digestive system even more, so now I need to "clean out" myself for the second time in about 2 years. Oh boy, more fun to deal with.
We did briefly discuss my pain levels, which have gone up over the past few months, and I'm going to see him again in a month, this time with my wife so we can really empthasize just how much our lives have been impacted by this. We don't go for walks after dinner any more, or go to our favorite scenic hideaway to walk the trails and listen to the water and the water falls, all because of my chronic pain. I have to use the powered shopping carts at the grocery store when/if I can get one. I never thought that I'd live to see myself get to this point physically, and I'm only 66. What the hell kind of life can I expect to have in 5 or 10 years when I can hardly walk any distances any more? Am I going to end up in a wheelchair?
It's getting harder just to drive, another thing I never thought could happen to me, and I drove a truck for a living. I'm so damn frustrated, I know there are a lot of people who have it harder than I do, but I'm sitting at the desk in our office typing this while my feet are on fire, and my knees and hips are screaming at me.
I need the pain to stop, but I don't see that ever happening. It's to the point where I wish they could cut the nerves to my feet so I can't feel the pain any more, if anything like that were possible. I could use a new pair of hips and 1 1/2 new knee replacements while they're at it.
Living with chronic pain SUCKS, especially after 10 years of dealing with it.
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12 Reactions@mrmacabre, I concur. Living with chronic pain sucks. I can't imagine your joys and mobility being stolen for the past 10 years. When you look at yourself, you probably don't recognize the person you've become. This is not what you imagined life would be at only 66 years old.
I like the picture you paint of the times you and your wife would go for walks after dinner, steal time away together to scenic hideaways, listening to water falls together. That's why your still here! Your wife. She wants you to be here too.
I think that's a good idea to bring your wife to your next appointment. Share how these changes have impacted both your lives. Until that appointment, how might you recapture special moments together now?
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5 ReactionsI understand. I feel like a shell of a person too. I broke my foot 6 months ago. Had to be off of it for 10 weeks. Still don't have strength in my legs . Can't walk for more than 10 15 minutes. Foot swells and pains. I have back pain from sitting because of not being able to walk having to sit a lot. I do have hope and trust in God that He will heal me. I pray for you.
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2 ReactionsMy beloved Mother recently passed away from Stage 4 lung cancer. Weekly chemo left her drained, in chronic pain with absolutely no appetite. Her Doctor prescribed a legal marijuana card so she would have access to various strains. It was a Godsend. Her pain dissipated and appetite improved. She no longer suffered. When her cancer eventually spread and she had only few few months to live she was no longer in pain and passed peacefully in her sleep. I hope this helps. God bless you.
God loves you more than you can comprehend even if you don’t know him or believe in him at this current time. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is a type of therapy specifically for grief/loss and chronic pain. You can get involved without ever leaving your home. I highly recommend. It works
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1 ReactionI have had the same night. I have a stereotactic xray biopsy in 10 hours, in the morning. If its positive, is this my way out?
I would probably do treatment but I'm not sure why.
Well, thw why is because I KNOW if I wait it out, it will get better. Except this time it could be the big C. Do or do not. A true life/death decision. I will kniw this week if I have breast cancer. And with CRPS, even the bx tomorrow could cause a spread.
oh.. I see you. I feel this to my core. I won't "bore" you with my "story", but will tell you what I happened across yesterday in the hopes that maybe it will give you some guidance or a new road to look down; because I'm at that same fork, my friend. It's a good company. They have a link to help find a pain management doc if you don't have one, because you (like me) probably need one. In general. I hope this, in some way will help.
https://www.pain.com/en/chronic-pain-solutions
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1 ReactionLovely comment!! So perfectly said... that's why he's still here!! I was feeling some of these same emotions.. I drove 100 miles a week for over 35 years as a sales rep.. and have only driven 2-3 times in past two years.. blessed to have a significant someone who helps me..(or I wouldn't be here.. several gastro issues so severe I almost really did not survive) and I think "why am I still here.??" You answered that question beautifully for me too!! Thank you soo much!! I love this forum.. soo helpful!! Soo grateful!!
A person is but the product of their own thoughts. What and how that person thinks, that person becomes. The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but their thoughts about their situation. Our thoughts have a choice about how to respond to negative situations. Our thoughts have the power to create a life that is pure heaven or pure hell. We need to develop a life of peace, happiness, and contentment. Unproductive overthinking never provides a solution. Try to look for something positive every day, even if you have to look harder some days. Nothing is permanent in this world, it's all temporary. There's always change. Don't stress yourself too much because no matter how bad your situation it could be worse. You can have results or excuses, not both. There are people in a lot worse situations than you. You don't own all the problems in the world.
God bless you.
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7 ReactionsI use a gummy for sleep sometimes but it never helped my pain.