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Adult daughter lives with elderly mother—two different worlds
Hello,
My mother is 83 years old. I am 48, I work full time. I am single, unmarried with no children. She has chronic back pain and limited mobility. Uses a walker. Was falling down a lot in the home. Unstable. With back injections, gives some relief. She is having cognitive decline. Very confused, cannot get her thoughts or words out, frustrated, She can still drive short distances . We have always been close.
She is my best friend and we have a good relationship. Recently
I am struggling with getting along with my mother. About a year ago, my mother was in need of help. With daily tasks, balancing checkbook, etc. so I stepped in and take care of that, along with grocery shopping, house cleaning, yard work and help pay bills.
I have to admit I have been frustrated myself and lack patience. I really try but we are In Two different worlds. She doesn’t understand me as I don’t understand her at times. She can be negative, nick picks things, not always pleasant to be around. And I the same.
I struggle with mild depression and anxiety. My mind is constantly going. And her is not. I slow it down, walk slower, speak slower,etc. also her hearing is going. Says I mumble, tv is so loud it’s hurts my ears.
My mother has been our family rock, kind, patient, loving, caring, understanding, Everything you would wish for.
We had a conversation the other day and she said her feelings are really hurt and I need to change my ways. She can’t take it much longer. The hurtful things I say or do.
I do get mean sometimes and frustrated. Not intentionally but overwhelmed I guess. I feel horrible but I cannot change what I have done or said. I don’t think caregiving is for me. I feel like I just became a parent at 48.
Thinking of moving out nearby. I would still do the above things just not live In the home.
She could probably afford to have help if needed.
My father passed away several years ago, my brother lives thousand of miles away. Mother is not interested in assisted living.
I’m concerned if I leave, she will decline even more. I take her out on the weekends to lunch or dinner, ride in the golf cart, little things to get her out and about. I cherish every moment because I know it won’t be forever.
Sorry this is all over the place. I’m trying to give a little background information with our situation. Would it be terrible if I move out now?
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@welcome25 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I tried to find the discussion that was very similar to yours. Members came up with lots of solutions and advice. I can’t find the discussion right now, but I’ll post it when I do. I’m hoping the members will come to your help tomorrow!
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2 ReactionsOne thing that might help is for your mother to see a Ear Physician and audiologist. I recently did that because my wife kept having to repeat herself for me to hear and the TV was very loud to her. I got hearing aids and now the TV setting is much lower when I watch it. Hearing aids take a little getting used to because at first sounds echo. You adjust to that with time and get used to it. It is supposed to help cognitive abilities too.
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2 ReactionsThere was a Mayo support group......to dump guilt over caregiving.....I can't find it now, but maybe the volunteer monitor can give you the connection. Wishing you all the best. I used to be the "family caregiver" and know how your patience can wax and wane.....take care, stay well.....
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2 ReactionsI have a similar situation. My mother is 89 and I am 65. I have 3 sons that lived nearby, but they are not much help. I had one tell me that I needed to find an assisted living home. I was diagnosed 2-1/2 years ago with CIDP. I have had several different treatments and nothing seems to be slowing down the progress. I am still able to drive, get myself to doctor's appointments without assistance. Travel to Mayo, unassisted, etc. However, I feel like a total drain on my mother. She is in Stage 4 COPD and has scoliosis so bad that she cannot stand straight up. I love her more than anything. However, her constant chatter about unimportant things. Her negative attitude. Her disregard for personal space. Along with the lectures/arguments about what "I do for you!" I don't ask her to do my laundry, I am capable. I don't ask her to fix my meals, I am capable. I am also good with a bowl of cereal, a bowl of grits, a sandwich, etc. I own a home but one of my sons is leasing it from me. I really cannot go back to it because all bedrooms are upstairs and I cannot negotiate stairs. I stay depressed and weepy. We are going to one of my son's homes tomorrow for dinner and I am already feeling very anxious and weepy over going. I would decline, but I want to see my granddaughters. I am on an antidepressant and hopefully they will increase the dosage, but I am not hopeful that it will work. This is not how I wanted to spend this time of my life.
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4 ReactionsIt's a hard job to do. Most of the time it's easiest on all parties if you have outside help. You can still help by being there and sharing outings, etc. It could be less strain on your relationship and you could focus on positive things and memories with her.
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2 ReactionsHi @welcome25, I'd like to add my welcome. 🙂
A few members mentioned other discussions that are related and may be helpful for you. I think I've dug them up.
@bedsbuddy mentioned this one
- Taking care of Mom: Most rewarding and difficult thing I’ve ever done https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/taking-care-of-mom/
@1995victoria suggests this one
- The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/the-caregivers-guilt-dumpster-open-for-business/
@welcome25, I hope you've found a moment to read the other helpful comments from members. How are you and your mom doing?