Dying Well

Thank you for the kind and generous feedback. It is very true what you wrote and, like you (pretty sure), there have been many wonderful stories you now reflect on that were pretty miraculous. Such as it is with me and which is why I love being a caregiver. That sweet spot is what we wait for when we are paired with someone who is facing their next step forward into eternity. That sweet spot is what I look forward to and am grateful that, for whatever reason, it was me who was chosen for them. It took ten plus years for my client (beloved friend as I knew her since I was 13) to have NO anxiety any longer...her soul found the peace and her mind was healed. I miss my friend fiercely every day, and yet, my own heart is happy she is no longer in that state of anxiety. Peace, harmony, infinite well being...!

Hi @cynthiaftaylor . I didn't mean to give the impression to you that I am not a believer. I'm sorry if I mislead you. My faith in God, and in the Holy Trinity is the strongest it's ever been. The words that speak to me are from St. Paul, "pray ceaselessly". And I do, doubt I would have made it this far on my own. I am planning on revisiting all of my advance directives this summer. I did them forever ago, and my wishes have not changed. But the laws do. I recently retired as an Eldercaregiver, my second career. I stopped because my last patient passed and I knew I was burnt out. Not on caregiving, I've loved all my folks to bits. I had to step away from the medical industry, because I was getting combative. I was also horrified by the rampant ageism in medicine. I sure didn't expect that. All my people have their ducks in a row, had advance directives, DNR, POA. Etc. Here in AZ we can file them with the AG's office, which is a lifesaver. I would make multiple copies, all signed and notarized. I would take them to their doctors' offices, and local hospital and request they be placed in the patient's chart. If it was a Vet, the VA got a set. I kept the originals, and several copies in file. Why? Because nobody reads anymore. If you don't have an advocate there hospitals routinely ignore the directives. I would show up, wave it all in staff's faces and that's when the combat commenced. "well, we've never seen this before". Try going beyond the first page in the chart, you morons. If a patient comes through ER, without said advocate, here's what happens. The race is on, to pad that hospital bill with useless diagnostics that cost a fortune. Setting the cost aside, I've seen patients in extremis, close to death get hustled all over town in ambulances for extra imaging, etc. Families getting hysterical, because their loved one's wishes are not being addressed or even considered. There are laws now, in most states, addressing this problem, but it is endemic to the elderly death experience. I had seen enough, and had to step away, for my own health and sanity. There are loopholes, even in DNR. Is she really dying? They have to make sure, before they can even look at the DNR. Let's do a bunch of tests and see. I hope your doc is still around to advocate for you, or a trustworthy family member or designee. It's dreadful time for families. They are bereft as it is, and under enormous stress. Which is the cue for everyone to pile on. The social worker, who is getting hassled by her bosses, to empty the bed. The insurance company reps, who come off ultra sincere while they tell you softly, that oh no, that isn't covered. They will ask the patient rep million stupid questions and then lie in the answers. It's always the next person in line's job to tell the family that what the previous said is incorrect, until your head spins! I am my family's patient rep, because I am the family pit bull. My daughter is starting to take over, even tho she's in poor health herself, but is finding her advocate's voice. And me, I'm done. No more doctors ('cept eyes and feet). No more invasive procedures, no more questionable meds. It's been five years now, and I am doing great, having taken the responsibility for my own self care. I was once a nurse, my mother was a nurse. I have two cousins' who are doctors. We're all on the same page with this stuff, and they are all over the US. Marcus Welby is long gone. Hospitals are for profit, Which means they answer to a Board of Investors who are only interested in profitability. And senior are the cash cows in that equation, for the Boomers are aging out, while the system is collapsing. Peace and Every Good! Mayo Rochester is the exception, I've heard, but Mayo Phoenix and Jacksonville are the same as everyone else.

I am 76. I love my life even though it is filled with physical pain right now. I live in hope that can be solved. Generally I'm in good health. I will live this life for as long as I have. I love my husband and he loves me. We have a wonderful family. I will die when I die. I hope I have time to say goodbye to my loved ones. I think. Sometimes though, when one is elderly, and you've talked fairly openly about death and life for others beyond your life, maybe just slipping away is the best. Not really a great shock or surprise. I've had my travel and adventures. Had a great career. Now, I find incredible joy in such simple things in life. Observing nature in minutia. Listeming to my family chat and laugh in the next room. Sharing a glass of wine with my dear friends. Reading a great novel. Trying to meet my couriosity needs about "stuff" Enoying the favorite things of ours with my husband of 55 years. That's all I want or need now, and until the day I die. Although, I hope this pain situation I have now can get resolved because having pain at this level, I could not live with.

There are trained professionals who specialize in positively facilitating the final stage of life.
I’m not sure what it’s called in English but I have a truly wonderful student (I’m a yoga teacher) who does this. From her stories, I think this is exactly what you’re looking for. Try googling it.

Some things I've done in preparation for dying:
A prepaid contract with the Neptune Society. All arrangements have been made and paid for collection of my body, filing of legal papers, funeral services and cremation. One phone call to the Neptune Society is all that is needed. < https://neptunesociety.com&gt;
I've made a simple box to hold my cremains with the cremains of by beloved dog, Hazel. I do need to talk with friends to ask their help in mixing and spreading our ashes along our favorite walk in the woods.
If I die first, Hazel's foster parents have agreed to adopt her.
I've completed the Get It Together notebook from Nolo Press. All the information and documents that will be needed to finish my business are in this book, in a fireproof container, and people know about it.
< https://www.nolo.com/search/products?query=Get+It+together&sub=www&gt;
I constantly try to reduce my possessions and bring order to what I keep. That's the hardest task!

Hi all, I thought you might appreciate this interesting project that my friend, Kathy Kastner, does. She takes minature white boards to conferences and patient gatherings with a simple fill in the blank question:

I want to __________________ until I die.

It is so thought provoking and really makes people ponder what is important to them. And the end result when they land on their choice is a smile and bright eyes. Check out the article and the smiles:

- ‘I want to pat dogs until I die’: End-of-life planning should be more than just Living Wills https://healthydebate.ca/2025/05/topic/end-of-life-planning-more-than-wills/

What would you write in the blank spot?