My Anger is overwhelming

Do you live in an area that has support care? Check with senior centers and/or social services with your health care provider or county services. At least, in CA, those are some of the options. Some faith organizations may also be able to help. May you get the help you need.

Denise, I have read your post numerous times and couldn’t find the words to express how much you affected me, so much of what you said is striking a chord with me. It’s uncanny how you can read about someone’s feelings and relate but then you just don’t have the words to express to them that you totally understand what they’re feeling. I have been going through the same thing and it’s so frustrating to find the answers to my problems, I have tried therapy and various medications but it just skims the surface of what’s inside. I find you very intelligent and I believe that you have always been in control of your life, along comes illness and you do all the right things to stay in control but the mind presents the most difficult part to control, nothing in life is more important than your health and when it’s threatened you realize that the control you have is so fragile. I also became very angry with myself and the people surrounding me, it’s so easy to hide behind anger and push back but the mind has its own agenda. I think you will find the answers inside and eventually get the peace you so desperately need because you have it inside to do so.

That's such a difficult situation you have. I'm the one who had cancer. (64). My parents were needing help. I just couldn't really be there for them. My sister stepped up. She was helping me and my parents.

Listen to your child. Is you child asking for you to be there? Ask your child what is needed.
I didn't want help from my parents, but I'm probably your age and our parents are the same age as your parents. It was different situation, but my mom felt helpless. She wanted to do something to help me.

Hang in there.

Denise

Thank you for the raw honesty. I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma July 2024. I have felt angry all the time. I have tried support groups and one on one coaching. It has not helped. I have definitely pulled back from life and family. Thank you for expressing your honesty about the burning anger you feel. I know that feeling very well.

I’m curious as to why we push our family and friends away, I did the same thing over the past few years after getting cancer, it was not possible to see them with covid in full force but as time passed I realized it was what I wanted. I don’t know if this happened to anyone else, I sometimes felt envy when I heard how much support some people have, I never had this with my family. I started having nightmares about trauma I suffered at the hands of an older brother, this was the start of my isolation, it took getting cancer for me to realize I didn’t have a very good family life, it’s like my mind is only focused on those who hurt me over the years. I did have some therapy sessions but it merely skimmed the surface of my pain. Sadly the only thing that came out of this unhappiness is that I am losing my fear of death, I do fear how I will die but I’m not afraid to say goodbye to those I called my family and friends.

"it took getting cancer for me to realize I didn’t have a very good family life, it’s like my mind is only focused on those who hurt me over the years."

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that many people with cancer feel the way you do. There's something very real about cancer and our culture of denial finally crumbles in the face of it: many of us are not prepared for such an unvarnished experience. Your observation about your mind really struck me as well: I wonder if having cancer opens our minds and bodies up to what they've wanted to tell us for so long? Almost as if these memories see an opening to talk to us and they grab it, full force. Maybe that's why it feels so powerful and overwhelming.

I wish you more healing and hope that you can find a therapist who can join you in going deeper than the "surface" of your pain. Glad to be in this with you and the rest of us here in this brutal cancer "club."

I have empathy for you. I was diagnosed September 2023. I have some siblings who have never acknowledged my situation, not one word nor card not even a text. I was hospitalized twice in 2023, nothing. I probably sound bitter. Fortunately I have two siblings who are wonderfully supportive as are my immediate family and two cousins. Bless you on this journey.

Really good post. At several points it sounded like I wrote it myself

Hope that you are feeling better today

I read your comment of how angry you are. I have been diagnosed with lung cancer in January of this year and had my upper left lobe (VATS) remove the tumor that was isolated, stage one. I am so glad that I didn’t need any type of treatment. This was just one more thing that has happened in my life. At 12 yrs old I had a ruptured appendix that kept me in the hospital for almost a month. At 20, I had an ectopic pregnancy that again kept me in the hospital for 3 weeks, came close to dying. I lost my 19 year old son in 1992, my Mom in 1997, dad in 1998 and my dear husband in 2000 from kidney cancer. I then found out I Hepatitis C from my ectopic pregnancy and went through a year & 1/2 of interferon. The same stuff given to my husband. I then contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted fever that almost killed me. I had sepsis, pneumonia and a UTI.
Here it is three years later and I am diagnosed with lung cancer. I too was mad at God until I realized He healed me each time.
My faith has kept me going all these years. I will pray that the Lord will comfort you and draw you close to Him and give you peace.

Amu45sin here.
I know how you feel, and send many hugz
Please try and accept what is happening and embrace it. By accepting it and embracing it, you will not reject it, both mentally and physically. Anger does nit help us to heal our body.
Please try and let it go and release it.
You can do it!