1. < Just Want to Talk

At what point are you considered alone forever?

Posted by texasguy1962 @texasguy1962, Apr 24, 2024

From reading a few posts, this sounds like a place to sound off at the very least, and hopefully find some thoughts of others on a subject. I honestly just signed onto this system so forgive me if I misunderstood.

I recently turned 60. I have been divorced 20 years. My kids are grown and on their own, so it is just me and my dog. I wonder at what point do you just decide you will probably be alone until the end? I mean, I have family and my kids are only an hour away, but the majority of my time is spent home alone. I go out and do things, but just not every day. But most of those things I do alone. I meet friends for a drink or lunch every now and then, but that's not even a weekly occurrence. I am retired and don't need anything but really don't want to go back to work, so I have days between busy and nothing. But again, I don't want to do anything some days.

I know most would say I am lonely and depressed, but I don't feel like I am. (Not being a jerk but would I feel like I was if, in fact I was? I don't know). Anyway, I don't have thoughts of harm, I don't sit and wish someone would call, and honestly, I laugh at myself quite a bit. I have one really good friend (no romantic attraction at all on either side) and we talk sometimes 3 times a day on the phone while she works... I think she is bored...lol.

I have dated off and on, more off than on recently, but I get exhausted because so many women in my age range are looking for immediate marriage and I am just not sure I want to do that. I don't have a problem with a living together situation but what is the benefit to marriage at this point in life? Religious stuff aside, if I were to get married I would not change my will or my financial stuff, or anything like that, so what is the benefit in a certificate? But they want marriage and they want it now. I had a long-term friend with benefits (sorry, but it's true and neither one of us wanted anything more) but she moved across the country a couple of years ago.

I do admit I would enjoy sitting on the couch with someone in the evening and watch tv, rub their feet, and just relax. I would enjoy going places with someone, either for the day or on a road trip, going grocery shopping together, and just enjoy and live life. I would be okay with being "in love" like that again, but at this point will be happy with compatible and stable and just liking each other a lot....lol.

Is there something wrong with me or am I looking for something that doesn't exist?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Just Want to Talk Support Group.

isadora2021 | @isadora2021 | Jan 20 7:30am
In reply to @mansions11 "I'm 63 and been on my own for a number of years initially I did think..." + (show)
@mansions11

I'm 63 and been on my own for a number of years initially I did think I would meet someone after I was divorced but it just hasn't happened I'm now resigned to the reality that I am destined to be on my own until the end that's something I think about quite often I'm not looking for potty or sympathy I'm just explaining my situation I was brought up in the care system from the age of 6 has I didn't have a family so it's like I have always been on my own. Sometimes I feel like the grey mist has come down and I will scream at the sky and ask questions like why have I had to live the life that I have. I had never experienced what a close family relationship was I was in the care system until I was 17 and when I left I was on my own and totally lost I met my wife Julie when I was 20 and I fell in love with her almost immediately. We were together nearly ten years before we got married we had a beautiful home and two children both boys at the age of 30 my life could not have been better. And then things started to go wrong my eldest son Sean was killed in a road according the car was being driven by a very good friend of mine I'd known him nearly 20 years. He couldn't live with what he had done although I never blamed him it was an unfortunate accident he took his own life whilst speaking to me on the phone I pleaded with him please please don't do this to me I love you you are my world don't leave me but he did it in the most gruesome way. 14 months after the death of Sean my youngest son Anthony died of liver failure he was only four years old. Sean was nine when he died I couldn't believe how my life had been turned upside down I was unable to function and wanted my life to end I felt that life was no longer worth living and I kept asking myself why me what had I ever done I even started to think I was cursed in some way after years of sexual physical abuse in the UK social care system I had endured over ten years at the hands of these people who were supposed to look after me but instead I had an horrendous upbringing. I tried to carry on with life but I struggled every day. By this time I had been married to Julie for nearly 15 years plus I was with her for years before we got married so imagine the absolute devastation I felt when I discovered that the lady who I had loved for all those years was cheating on me with my brother the two people who meant everything to me who I reached out to when I was in the deepest of depression. I've never remarried and have lived on my own with justy wonderful memories of a life that I had, I know it's not right but some days I think please god just end my life I don't want to be here any longer my life has been truly horrendous since I was 6 years old no one should have to endure so much heartache. Thank you for reading and God bless you all x

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@mansions11 I am sorry to read how very tough life has been on you, with a relatively brief golden period in the middle. You must be incredibly courageous and resilient to be the person you are.

I pray that life gives you moments of joy and encourages you to push forward. You have so much to offer. I wonder if you could volunteer. It may be where you meet kindred spirits 🙏❤️‍🩹

REPLY
bethstanford | @bethstanford | Jan 20 7:50am

What about your husband? Volunteer at a nursing home or local library, join a church, offer yourself to the less fortunate. There’s ALWAYS someone out there who needs a listening ear or warm touch. And through them, and helping others you can also heal. Look outward NOT inward, and see if your perspective changes. Best of luck?

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isadora2021 | @isadora2021 | Jan 20 4:56pm

@texasguy1962 It’s difficult when you can’t make happen what you want to happen ❤️‍🩹

I hope you’re putting yourself out there to help make it possible to happen? My best relationships over the years including friendships) have happened through shared interests . I wonder if you have tried joining groups who share your interests?

I learnt from watching my mother when she retired. My father worked long hours and we had left home so she was often by herself. She volunteered but also played mahjong and bridge in person - as well as online with people from around the world. It was quite an inspiring how she worked out how to be with others, in a way that worked for her.

I too am now single, but happily so, so I don’t feel “alone”. I have 2 precious dogs but also very special male and female friends (including some of my family) I can call or message any time of the day or night. 3 of them are neighbours.

I hope you can find communities to join and bring into your life what you want in your life including a friend with benefits or a partner who wants to keep her own home 🙏😊

REPLY
az4me | @az4me | Apr 15 12:58am
In reply to @texasguy1962 "Thanks all, for the replies. Life keeps moving....lol. One thing on my mind lately: My brother..." + (show)
@texasguy1962

Thanks all, for the replies. Life keeps moving....lol. One thing on my mind lately: My brother and sister-in-law have been staying with me for a few months. She is going through chemo and he had heart surgery. So they were both unable to drive, walk the dog, and he even needed help showering for a month because he couldn't raise his hands above his shoulders. Got me to thinking... if I was either one of them, I would be in a world of hurt. They aren't THAT much older than me and I think they would have had a hard time without me here to help, without each other, I don't know how they would have made it through. I have no one to help in that situation so I guess I just don't take a shower or do laundry or anything for a couple of months?

That is one of the things that got me thinking I might need someone in addition to the companionship and all. But I can't afford some broke butt moving in just because I am afraid of getting sick...lol. Hopefully, some of the replies will help someone else... as for me, I will just keep plugging along on my own I guess.

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Curious if any follow up to this. Tripped over this forum and signed up. Didn’t you say you had kids nearby? Am in similar situation (long time divorced, content on own, semi retired) but I do think my kids would figure out a way to help if I needed some like your brother and sister in law. I moved to AZ to be near parents myself.

REPLY
LKas | @lkas | Apr 15 4:20pm

I’ve met my match 😊
I love being alone with myself as I have gotten older and now divorced (hasn’t even been a year) but one would say that I spend TOO MUCH TIME ALONE. I have very few friends and I have 2 married sons whose company I enjoy but I do wish I had a close companion to laugh with, watch movies with and to have a connection with. I wonder myself if ‘this’ is it. For me, it is just uncomfortable living in that ‘I don’t know’ place. I will have to be fine either way, and you, my friend, sound like you will be fine either way as well. The bottom line though is that too much time alone leaves a huge gap in one’s life so connection is preferred ✌🏽✌🏾✌🏼

REPLY
1 reply
robertwills | @robertwills | Apr 15 5:26pm
In reply to @lkas "I’ve met my match 😊 I love being alone with myself as I have gotten older..." + (show)
@lkas

I’ve met my match 😊
I love being alone with myself as I have gotten older and now divorced (hasn’t even been a year) but one would say that I spend TOO MUCH TIME ALONE. I have very few friends and I have 2 married sons whose company I enjoy but I do wish I had a close companion to laugh with, watch movies with and to have a connection with. I wonder myself if ‘this’ is it. For me, it is just uncomfortable living in that ‘I don’t know’ place. I will have to be fine either way, and you, my friend, sound like you will be fine either way as well. The bottom line though is that too much time alone leaves a huge gap in one’s life so connection is preferred ✌🏽✌🏾✌🏼

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You don't need many friends; just a few, at most. I moved to be near my relative in assisted living. I knew no one here except my extended family who turned on me for an unknown reason(s) shortly after I arrived.

I got to know some aides at the assisted living place who are exceptional people in all respects. Some of them told me they spend most of their free time alone and they love it! Just like me.

I looked up an old friend from my neighbor I grew up in and we speak on the phone for hours from time to time. They reminded me that I was such a helpful, decent person way back when. This restored my confidence and made me realize that people differ so significantly. I believe you connect with the right people but when stuck with the wrong people you feel it!

I have been commenting on this forum as I want to share good information and it also helps me "connect" with people. The amazing thing is that the people here are all over the US and the world! One person in the Pacific Northwest, PML, gave me great comfort when several angry, violent drugged-out, drug selling, men moved into my nice apartment building and began threatening me. I lived a heelish nightmare for months! Thank goodness these awful people were permanently removed!

So connecting is good but so is being alone. It's a balance if done right leads to a very high quality of life, in my opinion.

REPLY
1 reply
eileen11108 | @eileen11108 | Apr 16 7:32am

I suggest you look for senior single groups. When I was widowed years ago I found many more women than men joined single groups. I went to breakfast meet ups, dances, hikes, house parties, etc. Do they play pickleball in your area, learn it if they do…you will meet a lot of people. Pickleball seems to be a big thing now.

Also, I do not think all women want to remarry. But you might just find one you want to marry. A good marriage is a treasure.

Best wishes, Eileen

REPLY
pml | @pml | Apr 16 8:06pm
In reply to @robertwills "You don't need many friends; just a few, at most. I moved to be near my..." + (show)
@robertwills

You don't need many friends; just a few, at most. I moved to be near my relative in assisted living. I knew no one here except my extended family who turned on me for an unknown reason(s) shortly after I arrived.

I got to know some aides at the assisted living place who are exceptional people in all respects. Some of them told me they spend most of their free time alone and they love it! Just like me.

I looked up an old friend from my neighbor I grew up in and we speak on the phone for hours from time to time. They reminded me that I was such a helpful, decent person way back when. This restored my confidence and made me realize that people differ so significantly. I believe you connect with the right people but when stuck with the wrong people you feel it!

I have been commenting on this forum as I want to share good information and it also helps me "connect" with people. The amazing thing is that the people here are all over the US and the world! One person in the Pacific Northwest, PML, gave me great comfort when several angry, violent drugged-out, drug selling, men moved into my nice apartment building and began threatening me. I lived a heelish nightmare for months! Thank goodness these awful people were permanently removed!

So connecting is good but so is being alone. It's a balance if done right leads to a very high quality of life, in my opinion.

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Hi Robert,
Thank you for the kind comment! I'm glad that I could help. You are right that this forum helps those alone to connect. And, with such nice people like yourself! I've found this forum very useful and comforting since my husband died in July, 2024. But like you, I am also enjoying being alone. I miss my husband but he is out of pain and up in Heaven. We will be together again in God's time. Now, I can pursue the things I haven't been able to because I was so busy taking care of my husband. I'm back to doing my writing again and hopefully some of it will be published, I have time for my gardening and baking, etc. I'm finally getting used to being alone and like you, am enjoying it.

That's so nice that you went to take care of a relative who needed help! It's too bad that your extended family turned against you. My mother always said, "You can choose your friends but not your family!" She was so right. Mom's family turned against her too because she joined the Mormon church.
I'm so glad that things have finally turned out well for you!
PML

REPLY
hdwoman | @hdwoman | 6 days ago
In reply to @ddn "I definitely relate to your situation. I am 64, divorced for 26 years, with no plans..." + (show)
@ddn

I definitely relate to your situation. I am 64, divorced for 26 years, with no plans to ever marry again. Dating is out, because all they seem to want is immediate sex. It's a bit depressing, but I realize I will face this next chapter in my life alone. I worry about becoming incapacitated. All I can do is pray I go quickly when my time comes. God bless you on your journey 🙏

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Yep. A nurse, a purse and sex. I'd rather be alone. I've been widowed for 21 years, but I'm not lonely at all. I do miss my husband, my partner, my best friend. Marriage? No way!

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