Caregivers use different practices and techniques - no arbiter!

Hi @robertwills, This is helpful, because if given a choice, family caregivers my be able to choose an appropriate facility based on their loved ones' needs and wants. When checking out a facility, they could ask what is the approach to care at the facility.
For example, my husband relies on me to pick his clothes, and he eats whatever I give him to eat. I help him shower and do his oral hygiene routine at night. He likes to do jigsaw puzzles a certain way (he cheats) and gets angry if I mess with his system for doing a puzzle.
One relative's parent went to a facility where they offered constant sweets. Never a heavy man, her dad gained so much weight there he had to use a scooter. I wouldn't want an outcome like that for my spouse.

@tsc I guess I set my expectations too high with the facility I chose for my 64 yo husband. I liked the answers I was given when I toured the facility I was looking to place him. There was no isolations, no sedations, and residents had free roam of the entire facility with restrictions (doors that didn't open), and the ratio was 4-5 residents to 1 caregiver...all things that I was happy to hear. This was a dementia specialized care facility (so everyone was in a different phase of their journey) with only a 42% capacity, so I figured he'd get the care he was used to by me... picking out his own clothes, eat whatever I gave him, helping him shower, etc...all the things you were doing for your hubby. There was nothing real special about the facility, like gourmet restaurant, swimming pool, etc but as long as it was safe and he was being taken care of, I would be able to rest easy. Boy, did I get an awakening. I would drive 45 minutes about 2-3 times a week to see him and he'd be in the same clothes, toothbrush VERY dry, OH AND they had him in adult diapers after day 3. I was told in case he was incontinent they would be able to control his accidents. They never asked me about his continence, they just assumed which rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because he started developing sores on his butt which I think was due to the material and he said he didn't like them cuz they were for girls lol. His care plan stated he needed help with toileting but when I would visit, I would find dirty "diapers" laying on the counter or the floor. When I asked about his oral hygiene and clothes I could never get a straight answer, I was told "i'm not sure, but I'll check" and I never did get a straight answer. With this transition which was SO far off into left field than what he was used to, I couldn't keep watching him decline faster and faster. Oh, did I mention that he looked 10 years older (all within a month), he looked confused about his surroundings, after 30 days he still didn't know how to get to his room, he was now always looking down and never smiled anymore. The hardest decision I've ever had to make was to place him in a home but I knew that he needed more care than what I could provide... like behavior changes/challenges, no longer being isolated (he has lost interest in a lot of things) and being around others with dementia, but the easiest and best decision I've made was to take him out of there and back home with me where he will get the care he needs.... the loving touch, ALL the comforts he was used to, etc. He now gets a shower more than once a week, his clothes are changed every day and he toothbrush in never bone dry anymore AND he's smiling again 🙂 I have a different attitude and outlook with our day to day lives, and i will give the facility credit with helping me with that... like more patience, more of a loving voice, soft tones, nothing is so important that it can't wait til later if he's not ready for it... like taking his meds, or going on errands with me. I am now in the process again of searching for an in-home care provider to help me with respite care and cooking meals from time to time. I know everyone's journey is different and our journey will involve us not living apart, getting in-home care and providing as much joy as I can provide him for the rest of his life. He IS the love of my life and i tell him that everyday and altho he has severe aphasia, he always tells me he loves me too and that I'm the best-est girl and those words warm my heart and make me feel very loved even if he doesn't always remember my name.

@tsc I guess I set my expectations too high with the facility I chose for my 64 yo husband. I liked the answers I was given when I toured the facility I was looking to place him. There was no isolations, no sedations, and residents had free roam of the entire facility with restrictions (doors that didn't open), and the ratio was 4-5 residents to 1 caregiver...all things that I was happy to hear. This was a dementia specialized care facility (so everyone was in a different phase of their journey) with only a 42% capacity, so I figured he'd get the care he was used to by me... picking out his own clothes, eat whatever I gave him, helping him shower, etc...all the things you were doing for your hubby. There was nothing real special about the facility, like gourmet restaurant, swimming pool, etc but as long as it was safe and he was being taken care of, I would be able to rest easy. Boy, did I get an awakening. I would drive 45 minutes about 2-3 times a week to see him and he'd be in the same clothes, toothbrush VERY dry, OH AND they had him in adult diapers after day 3. I was told in case he was incontinent they would be able to control his accidents. They never asked me about his continence, they just assumed which rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because he started developing sores on his butt which I think was due to the material and he said he didn't like them cuz they were for girls lol. His care plan stated he needed help with toileting but when I would visit, I would find dirty "diapers" laying on the counter or the floor. When I asked about his oral hygiene and clothes I could never get a straight answer, I was told "i'm not sure, but I'll check" and I never did get a straight answer. With this transition which was SO far off into left field than what he was used to, I couldn't keep watching him decline faster and faster. Oh, did I mention that he looked 10 years older (all within a month), he looked confused about his surroundings, after 30 days he still didn't know how to get to his room, he was now always looking down and never smiled anymore. The hardest decision I've ever had to make was to place him in a home but I knew that he needed more care than what I could provide... like behavior changes/challenges, no longer being isolated (he has lost interest in a lot of things) and being around others with dementia, but the easiest and best decision I've made was to take him out of there and back home with me where he will get the care he needs.... the loving touch, ALL the comforts he was used to, etc. He now gets a shower more than once a week, his clothes are changed every day and he toothbrush in never bone dry anymore AND he's smiling again 🙂 I have a different attitude and outlook with our day to day lives, and i will give the facility credit with helping me with that... like more patience, more of a loving voice, soft tones, nothing is so important that it can't wait til later if he's not ready for it... like taking his meds, or going on errands with me. I am now in the process again of searching for an in-home care provider to help me with respite care and cooking meals from time to time. I know everyone's journey is different and our journey will involve us not living apart, getting in-home care and providing as much joy as I can provide him for the rest of his life. He IS the love of my life and i tell him that everyday and altho he has severe aphasia, he always tells me he loves me too and that I'm the best-est girl and those words warm my heart and make me feel very loved even if he doesn't always remember my name.

Hi @robertwills, This is helpful, because if given a choice, family caregivers my be able to choose an appropriate facility based on their loved ones' needs and wants. When checking out a facility, they could ask what is the approach to care at the facility.
For example, my husband relies on me to pick his clothes, and he eats whatever I give him to eat. I help him shower and do his oral hygiene routine at night. He likes to do jigsaw puzzles a certain way (he cheats) and gets angry if I mess with his system for doing a puzzle.
One relative's parent went to a facility where they offered constant sweets. Never a heavy man, her dad gained so much weight there he had to use a scooter. I wouldn't want an outcome like that for my spouse.

teri, Way to go, you're nice to allow him the cheat. I chuckled cause my wife would cheat at Gin rummy but I never let on, just cheered her good plays. Really I don't think she saw it as cheating because of her confused mind and that she just thought it was the way to play. I loved just playing with her and seeing her have some fun because there were so many other times of terror as she felt losing herself. I cry every day now with my loss of her and not having her company to keep me from this deep sadness I suffer. Good luck & God bless you and your hubby.