Faith and dementia: Struggling to attend church

Posted by joedeb @joedeb, Apr 6 11:14pm

My wife and I are struggling with attending church. She was the church organist/guitar player at our parish for 47 years. She was pregnant with our first son now 49 when she started. She had anxiety almost every Sunday before mass. She was a perfectionist.
It was her mission. We had a choir for 20 years. Our little parish of 80 families can outsing a parish triple our size, because of my wifes playing and teaching new songs. . She was also the church secretary/bookkeeper for 20 of those years. People would bring church business to after the service. It was her ministry, her mission.
She retired from the secretary job 4 years ago and 2 years ago was forced to retire after she started having cognitive decline. Today, she can't play the piano or the guitar. She can't follow the music. Heck, she can't even find her pew coming back from communion. She is too embarrassed to even go to our old church because everyone can see what has happened to her. To say our faith has been tested is an understatement. We hav been watching masses on tv on Sunday morning. And just the last two weekends, we attended mass at a much larger parish where we are relatively unknown. I guess it's a matter of just accepting where we are and try to get back. What are you doing?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

SusanEllen66 | @SusanEllen66 | Apr 7 12:43am

@joedeb Excuse me for dropping in here. I am the “loved one” with dementia.
I can try and understand her feelings, and your frustration.

As a Christian myself I know God is with both of you every step of the way. When I keep my eyes on Jesus rather than the problem, things become manageable.

Your parish is small, she is well known there, I have to believe they would love to lend her, and yourself a hand up. Perhaps you might give them a chance to love on both of you.

celia16 | @celia16 | Apr 7 1:01am

My parents are in a similar situation (father with dementia) , however they watch their church’s services online. The church members offer prayers, support, bring meals, visit, send cards, etc. My parents struggle to find solace in their faith. They are not able to physically attend church. It’s sad, but the support of the church could be helpful. Especially, if she progresses with her condition. Of course, being able to obtain spiritual comfort should be wherever the two of you feel comfortable.

Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | Apr 7 8:32am

@joedeb God's presence is there with you and your wife. God welcomes your wife whether she prays at home or in church.

Your wife has been the helper for so many years at your church. I can understand how she might feel about the cognitive decline and feeling unable or less able to fill that role now.

Do the others in your parish know why the two of you have not been coming to Mass? Have you talked with your priest? Will your wife be OK with you contacting the people you both know to share what is happening with your wife? I'm asking all these questions because I have learned that more I hide how I feel and what I am going through the more anxious I feel. When I "put it out there" I am grateful for all the support I get that comes from friends and people I do not know.

I think it's important that your wife does not isolate herself. Do visitors come to the house who are from your parish? Has your priest visited? Finding ways to continue a social life outside the home is important for all of us cognitively and emotionally.

Will you talk with your wife about some of these ideas?

larryg333 | @larryg333 | Apr 7 10:26am

Joe -- Your wife was a real trooper for the church. And so incredibly talented! She was a blessing to her spiritual community.

Wish you and her only the best. Hoping everything works out well for both of you. Everyone reading this thread must be thinking of, and praying for, the two of you, and that all goes well in the days to come.

Regards,
/LarryG

edwardsruth | @edwardsruth | Apr 7 5:38pm

In reply to @SusanEllen66 "@joedeb Excuse me for dropping in here. I am the “loved one” with dementia. I can..." + (show)

I have to agree. Y'all have been with these people for 50+ years. They love y'all. They will most likely be your best encouragers and even be of assistance with caring for your wife. She certainly had many friends who love her there. I am sorry this devastating disease has found your bride!

tschierk | @tschierk | Apr 7 7:21pm

I am a pastor’s wife, but since I have both housebound parents living with me/us I stay home and watch our church’s livestream services on the tv. It’s been a year now. It’s hard being away, but it is what is working best for now.