1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Does anyone have tips for communicating with someone with dementia?

Posted by bclane @bclane, Apr 3 12:41pm

I've been increasingly frustrated with trying to communicate with my husband. It's like the stereotype of the husband never listening to the wife. For example, this morning he read off a message on his phone that the battery was low and it needed charging. I told him to get the charger, that it was the white cord hanging on the side of the dresser mirror. I thought the directions were pretty clear.

He came back with a belt—and it wasn't white and hadn't been hanging on the side of the dresser mirror either. I retrieved the cord myself, and when he saw it, he said I should have said that and not mentioned a belt (which I hadn't).

A week ago I had a doctor's appointment and a neighbor stayed with him while I went. For the first time, I wrote a note about where I was going and when I expected to be back and gave it to him. He wasn't offended by that, and the neighbor said he pulled it out and read it several times.

He often reads things out loud, like the captions on the TV news, so it just occurred to me this morning that maybe he can't hang on to spoken words. Maybe if I'd written a short note describing the phone charger and where it was located, that would have worked better. Has anyone else experienced this with the person they're caring for?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

crankyyankee | @crankyyankee | Apr 6 10:02am
In reply to @bclane "Since I posted about this, I read an article that suggested writing notes or at least..." + (show)
@bclane

Since I posted about this, I read an article that suggested writing notes or at least trying it to see if it works. I will try it one day just to see.

What was the cause of your cousin's dementia? I'm making a guess here, but I think that there are likely differences depending on the cause, as well as commonalities regardless of the cause. My husband's is due to his having had seven TIAs and one bigger stroke (according to the MRI because all we were aware of was one TIA). I would guess that two people with dementia due to strokes could have some differences in their symptoms depending on which area of the brain was affected.

I did buy one of those calendar/clock combos that tell the day of the week, date, time, and whether it's morning, afternoon, evening, or night. He was always straining to read his last-century watch that he got when he retired and he never knew what month, day, or year it was. Now he can read it and often does out loud. I don't know if he remembers that information when he leaves the room, but at least he can see it when he wants to. He really likes it. So do I, for that matter, just because it's a very useful item, period.

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Same! My husband has vascular dementia and I bought that clock thinking it wouldn't really be useful, but I was getting so weary having him always misreading his analog wrist watch. He loves it and it I've come to love it too! Two days ago, in the afternoon, the clock said 'afternoon' and he asked me when it would change. I guessed that at 6pm it would change to evening and went about my business. At 6pm he announced it had in fact changed to evening. This was a happy announcement to me: you can never know what's going on in that brain!

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1 reply
1995victoria | @1995victoria | Apr 6 12:36pm

I learned the hard way, never to correct my cousin, just change the subject. When she asks for something, I just say yes, and then she forgets, so not a problem.......yes works every time......when she was in hospital she asked for whisky.....first I said no.....but she kept asking......then I discovered and said yes, then she was ok......ps I did not bring whisky to hospital.....and she is not alcoholic I think she might remember it would make her feel better. But my saying yes also makes her feel better. I learned not to try to correct, just say yes.

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1 reply
oldgoat | @oldgoat | Apr 6 1:06pm
In reply to @wctdoc1943 "What you describe is (1) inability to recall exactly what you asked of him, and (2)..." + (show)
@wctdoc1943

What you describe is (1) inability to recall exactly what you asked of him, and (2) loss of "executive" funtion, which limits or prevents him from following "complex" (multi-step) tasks. My wife has difficulty performing a 3 step process on the TV remote control. She cannot follow a recipe. She cannot rmember how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. All these things involve following steps. I've written down the TV remote instructions and she sometimes cannot follow these. Writing notes or instruction may or may not help but it won't hurt to try. Executive function involves the ability to perform planning and organizational skills and is a prominent aspect of dementia.

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wctdoc, You're a good guy to try things in an effort to help your wife. My wife recently passed away and I too tried all I could to help her with those same type issues. What a cruel disease dementia is. 🙁
Good on you, God bless you.

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2 replies
bclane | @bclane | Apr 6 1:14pm
In reply to @crankyyankee "Same! My husband has vascular dementia and I bought that clock thinking it wouldn't really be..." + (show)
@crankyyankee

Same! My husband has vascular dementia and I bought that clock thinking it wouldn't really be useful, but I was getting so weary having him always misreading his analog wrist watch. He loves it and it I've come to love it too! Two days ago, in the afternoon, the clock said 'afternoon' and he asked me when it would change. I guessed that at 6pm it would change to evening and went about my business. At 6pm he announced it had in fact changed to evening. This was a happy announcement to me: you can never know what's going on in that brain!

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That is great that he remembered what you'd said about when the clock would change. It's true—you don't know what's going on in there and what will stick and what won't. I'm getting pretty good at not correcting my husband when he doesn't remember or understand something trivial, but when it's something important, I still do. I can't help but think it's not doing him any favors to reinforce something that's not so, especially when he's having trouble hanging on to what's real anyway.

I mean, if a person makes a mistake remembering something or doesn't understand something that's relatively important and no one speaks up to tell that person otherwise, how is he to know what's real (even if only for a short time) and what isn't? Seems like that would make him lose his connection to reality even faster. And as long as it doesn't upset him (which, so far, it doesn't seem to), what is the harm?

I expect that there will come a time when it will be better for me not to speak up, but I don't think we're there yet.

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bclane | @bclane | Apr 6 1:21pm
In reply to @1995victoria "I learned the hard way, never to correct my cousin, just change the subject. When she..." + (show)
@1995victoria

I learned the hard way, never to correct my cousin, just change the subject. When she asks for something, I just say yes, and then she forgets, so not a problem.......yes works every time......when she was in hospital she asked for whisky.....first I said no.....but she kept asking......then I discovered and said yes, then she was ok......ps I did not bring whisky to hospital.....and she is not alcoholic I think she might remember it would make her feel better. But my saying yes also makes her feel better. I learned not to try to correct, just say yes.

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This does sound like the best way to deal with where your cousin in with her dementia. I guess that's what all of us have to figure out. There are differences in the personalities of people with dementia and differences even in one person depending on where they're at in the dementia's progression. Kind of a moving target, I guess.

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wctdoc1943 | @wctdoc1943 | Apr 6 1:50pm
In reply to @oldgoat "wctdoc, You're a good guy to try things in an effort to help your wife. My..." + (show)
@oldgoat

wctdoc, You're a good guy to try things in an effort to help your wife. My wife recently passed away and I too tried all I could to help her with those same type issues. What a cruel disease dementia is. 🙁
Good on you, God bless you.

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Thank you. It is a cruel disease. My condolences for the loss of your spouse.

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1995victoria | @1995victoria | Apr 6 1:50pm
In reply to @oldgoat "wctdoc, You're a good guy to try things in an effort to help your wife. My..." + (show)
@oldgoat

wctdoc, You're a good guy to try things in an effort to help your wife. My wife recently passed away and I too tried all I could to help her with those same type issues. What a cruel disease dementia is. 🙁
Good on you, God bless you.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. In her heart she was grateful for your care.

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hippechk | @hippechk | Apr 6 7:50pm

My dearest friend was DXed with AD last year and it's been heartbreaking. So much that I searched for an online group to answer my many questions. There is a FaceBook group called MEMORY PEOPLE and it's helped me immensely. Very active group and always willing to help you or just a place where you can vent if things upset you. Check it out. The person who started MP has dementia and now, with a helper, continues to talk 'straight' about his disease. Hope that helps you. Just go to Facebook and look for Groups; when you are in the Groups section, just type in MEMORY PEOPLE, and you're in!

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julieboggesscdp | @julieboggesscdp | Apr 7 2:24pm

Hi, the topic of communication is universal. A person living with dementia can have both expressive and receptive aphasia, which is a deficit in understanding and expressing language. This is indeed very frustrating for caregivers.
I work for AGE-u-cate Training Institute, which develops training materials for professional and family caregivers. I attached what we call an "empowerment tool," which provides some best practice approaches on various topics related to dementia care. We also have one-hour, online device enabled courses called REVEAL Aging. These courses are geared to caregivers. I hope these empowerment tools help you, and feel free to check out our website at http://www.ageucate.com. All the best as you move through your caregiving journey. We are here to help.

Shared files

Empowerment_Tool_Communication_-_FINAL (Empowerment_Tool_Communication_-_FINAL.pdf)

Empowerment_Tool_Behavior_Changes (Empowerment_Tool_Behavior_Changes.pdf)

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2 replies
celia16 | @celia16 | Apr 7 3:44pm
In reply to @julieboggesscdp "Hi, the topic of communication is universal. A person living with dementia can have both expressive..." + (show)
@julieboggesscdp

Hi, the topic of communication is universal. A person living with dementia can have both expressive and receptive aphasia, which is a deficit in understanding and expressing language. This is indeed very frustrating for caregivers.
I work for AGE-u-cate Training Institute, which develops training materials for professional and family caregivers. I attached what we call an "empowerment tool," which provides some best practice approaches on various topics related to dementia care. We also have one-hour, online device enabled courses called REVEAL Aging. These courses are geared to caregivers. I hope these empowerment tools help you, and feel free to check out our website at http://www.ageucate.com. All the best as you move through your caregiving journey. We are here to help.

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I appreciate the links.

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