1. < Mental Health

Really struggling ... going back home if nothing changes

Posted by Barb @amberpep, Nov 11, 2016

I can't believe it ... I was just almost ready to post this, and my computer crashed. Anyhow, I think I've been through the whole thing about moving from MD to VA because my girls live down here and they've been wanting me to move down for several years. I'd been in MD 30 plus years and had my own condo (me and the bank). Well, I am so sorry I moved ... I'm obviously not a young chick (71), was divorced about 10 years ago which was traumatic, and since then I had a knee replacement and then 2 years later had to have a revision - which is having it done all over again with a new part. My dog died just about 2 months ago, and where I live is essentially a college town. The closest church like mine in MD is 1-1/2 hrs. away. Everything that was important to me, except for my family, is in MD ..... my neighborhood, my friends, my church, essentially my "nest."
I have Bipolar II with the emphasis on the depression. I never feel up .... "flat" is a good day. I have been struggling with some serious depression for months now and with winter coming .... well, it's worse. I still go up to MD every other week to see my therapist and my Psychiatrist.
My kids say, "get out, go do something!" That sounds fine, but I don't know my way around anywhere here, I have no money to spend - I'm in a debt consolidation program; they say "volunteer" ..... sounds good too but I can barely get out of bed in the morning. It's gotten so bad that when I wake up, I make a hot cup of tea and immediately take my meds., watch the weather and a bit of news until the meds kick in. Only then do I even care about getting dressed. My kids, of course, don't want to hear it. Like their Dad (well 2 of them anyhow), "just get moving" is the answer. Sure, I would if I could.
I hate it here .... I'm giving it til Spring and if nothing changes, I'm going home. I essentially live on S.S. and some money my son gives me each month, so I don't even ever fill the gas tank anymore. I don't use CC's because of being in the debt consolidation program, so I pay for everything with cash or a check. That's OK, I don't mind that, but none of this would have happened if I had stayed where I was happy.
Thanks for listening.
abby

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Barb | @amberpep | Nov 12, 2016

I am going to stay here in VA until Spring and think and pray about whether to stay here or move back to MD. I am very much a "nester" .... I like to live in a place that I can make "mine" , then feel at home there, and feel a sense of safety and ownership. I like knowing my neighbors, visiting when we walk out dogs, and just being in a community that is friendly and open with one another.
If things do not change by Spring here, I will be headed back to MD. Everything I know and love is there, with the exception of my 2 kids. Well, I know it sounds harsh, but they can make the 3 hour drive to see me. I'm 71 and I want to enjoy what I have left on this earth, and I doubt it will be here.
abby

REPLY
johnhans | @johnhans | Nov 12, 2016

I'm sorry you are having a hard time now. Winter is always hard with depressive people I think. It is also much harder to adjust when you are older.
I think you are wise to give yourself some time to make a decision on what to do. In the meantime we are here to understand and empathize with you. Thank you for telling us your experiences.

REPLY
1 reply
Hirono Sekiguchi | @hironopiro | Nov 12, 2016

Hello, Abby.
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling, but I appreciate that you took courage to express your feeling and what you have experienced.
Moving is certainly one of the most stressful events in life, and I cannot hardly imagine what it would feel like in your situation.

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 12, 2016
In reply to @johnhans "I'm sorry you are having a hard time now. Winter is always hard with depressive people..." + (show)
@johnhans

I'm sorry you are having a hard time now. Winter is always hard with depressive people I think. It is also much harder to adjust when you are older.
I think you are wise to give yourself some time to make a decision on what to do. In the meantime we are here to understand and empathize with you. Thank you for telling us your experiences.

Jump to this post

Thanks john for your kind reply. Yes, winter is always a bummer for me .... I have a lightbox, but I don't know if it does much or not. I had to put my pup down about 2-1/2 months ago and boy did that leave a big hole in my life. I called my Vet and told them if anyone brings in a dog they can no longer keep, for whatever reason, and it's fairly small and good natured, to call me.
I may have mentioned this before, but I've been divorced for 10 years now .... we were married for 40 years, and ..... he has moved down this way and built a huge house and takes a big trip every other year with our son. I'm not sure living down here that close to him is a good idea ... it means we're altogether on holidays, which is OK I guess, but it just doesn't feel right. This isn't one of those soap operas where people divorce and become close buddies forever. We get along, but we also stay out of each other's way. I told my girls that my moving was rather like yanking a big old tree out of the ground and replanting it in another country, and hoping it would thrive ..... maybe it will, maybe it won't.
Thanks again,
abby

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 12, 2016

Hi there ..... stressful is right. And, not to belabor this, but within the passed 10 years, I've been divorced (after a 40 year marriage) - he lives down here now too; I've had a total knee replacement, and then had to have a revision (completely redone), my sweet little dog died - she had congestive heart failure and I had to have her put down-a rescue from a puppy mill, and my Depression has gone through the roof, or should I say gone down to the basement! Winter is always a bad time for me and being here doesn't help at all.
Thanks for writing,
abby

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safetyshield | @safetyshield | Nov 14, 2016

AMBERPEP@You certainly have had the time of it. I also left my home town leaving friends and good job opportunities. But my reason was if I did not move where my family now is I would have to travel to them each holiday. Now I have made good friends and do more social activities than I did in my home town. So the move was bitter sweet. I glad to hear that you are giving your move a chance and I agree you should live where ever makes you feel better. Keep coming to this community and let us know how you are doing

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Barb | @amberpep | Nov 14, 2016

Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my daughters and their families are down this way. But, I had no idea that neither of them liked the town I'm living in ..... they never told me that. They actually found this place but never said a word. Both of them live way out in the countryside ..... like 50 min. into the countryside, so to them this isn't country. But it is to me after living right on the edges of a nice town in a condo where there were always people coming and going, I knew everyone, and even if I was bored and had nothing to do, I could literally take my pup for a walk and always run into friends. Well, she's dead now and even when she was still alive, there literally is no place to walk around here, so I really feel stuck. It's been over a week and I have not been out of the house except to get the mail. I have 1 neighbor I talk to now and then, but the rest aren't around. I've gone up to them when I've seen them and introduced myself, and they're nice enough, then ..... but that's as far as it goes. They stick to their own family groups for everything. My main place in MD to make friends was at church, but there isn't one down here, and while I've tried ones similar, they're very ethnic, and again stay in their own little group. I'm giving it til Spring, but that's it. I know my girls will be upset and I'm really sorry about that, but this is just not for me. I needed to stay where I was and had been for over 30 years. And, having their Dad (my X) down here doesn't help at all either. This is a very strange area ..... my sil, when talking about this one day, told me that this town was never meant to be a town. Some wealthy folks years ago gave a huge amount of land to a school to build down here, which they did. Now the town is essentially the school and it encompasses everything. Believe it or not, the students, when I see them in a store or somewhere, are nicer and more willing to talk than their adult counterparts! Go figure.
abby

REPLY
2 replies
johnhans | @johnhans | Nov 15, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my..." + (show)
@amberpep

Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my daughters and their families are down this way. But, I had no idea that neither of them liked the town I'm living in ..... they never told me that. They actually found this place but never said a word. Both of them live way out in the countryside ..... like 50 min. into the countryside, so to them this isn't country. But it is to me after living right on the edges of a nice town in a condo where there were always people coming and going, I knew everyone, and even if I was bored and had nothing to do, I could literally take my pup for a walk and always run into friends. Well, she's dead now and even when she was still alive, there literally is no place to walk around here, so I really feel stuck. It's been over a week and I have not been out of the house except to get the mail. I have 1 neighbor I talk to now and then, but the rest aren't around. I've gone up to them when I've seen them and introduced myself, and they're nice enough, then ..... but that's as far as it goes. They stick to their own family groups for everything. My main place in MD to make friends was at church, but there isn't one down here, and while I've tried ones similar, they're very ethnic, and again stay in their own little group. I'm giving it til Spring, but that's it. I know my girls will be upset and I'm really sorry about that, but this is just not for me. I needed to stay where I was and had been for over 30 years. And, having their Dad (my X) down here doesn't help at all either. This is a very strange area ..... my sil, when talking about this one day, told me that this town was never meant to be a town. Some wealthy folks years ago gave a huge amount of land to a school to build down here, which they did. Now the town is essentially the school and it encompasses everything. Believe it or not, the students, when I see them in a store or somewhere, are nicer and more willing to talk than their adult counterparts! Go figure.
abby

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You might want to check out the VDA and see if they have any ideas on social activities for senior citizens in your area. VDA stands for Virginia Division for Aging and can be found on the Internet at vda.virginia.gov Hope this helps.

REPLY
safetyshield | @safetyshield | Nov 16, 2016
In reply to @amberpep "Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my..." + (show)
@amberpep

Thanks safetyshield for writing. Yes, the only reason I moved down here was because both my daughters and their families are down this way. But, I had no idea that neither of them liked the town I'm living in ..... they never told me that. They actually found this place but never said a word. Both of them live way out in the countryside ..... like 50 min. into the countryside, so to them this isn't country. But it is to me after living right on the edges of a nice town in a condo where there were always people coming and going, I knew everyone, and even if I was bored and had nothing to do, I could literally take my pup for a walk and always run into friends. Well, she's dead now and even when she was still alive, there literally is no place to walk around here, so I really feel stuck. It's been over a week and I have not been out of the house except to get the mail. I have 1 neighbor I talk to now and then, but the rest aren't around. I've gone up to them when I've seen them and introduced myself, and they're nice enough, then ..... but that's as far as it goes. They stick to their own family groups for everything. My main place in MD to make friends was at church, but there isn't one down here, and while I've tried ones similar, they're very ethnic, and again stay in their own little group. I'm giving it til Spring, but that's it. I know my girls will be upset and I'm really sorry about that, but this is just not for me. I needed to stay where I was and had been for over 30 years. And, having their Dad (my X) down here doesn't help at all either. This is a very strange area ..... my sil, when talking about this one day, told me that this town was never meant to be a town. Some wealthy folks years ago gave a huge amount of land to a school to build down here, which they did. Now the town is essentially the school and it encompasses everything. Believe it or not, the students, when I see them in a store or somewhere, are nicer and more willing to talk than their adult counterparts! Go figure.
abby

Jump to this post

amberpep have you tried looking in the town paper they have a listing of social groups and town activities that may interest you? When I came down to MD myself I had a friend who told me of a group that I was interested in. I joined this group and have been apart of them for 13 years.

REPLY
Barb | @amberpep | Nov 16, 2016

I really haven't done that as there's not an actual newspaper for this area, believe it or not. Most things are found out by word of mouth. But, my girls and I are looking for another place for me to live which is closer in toward a more active and "community type" area. I am pretty far out of the range of "normal" things and I don't like that. Hopefully, when I do move down closer into the busier areas, there will be more to do. One thing I actually even thought of driving to Frederick, MD for is the St. Stevens Scottish Society of Mid-MD. I was very involved in that for several years and absolutely loved it. There is nothing down here even remotely similar and I actually thought of driving up to their once a month meetings; they have 2-3 a month when it's closer to May as they have a Scottish Festival, which I so much enjoyed being part of. I had a "heart to heart" talk with my oldest daughter yesterday, told her I was not happy and had thought about going back to Frederick. She really doesn't want me to do that so we're on the hunt for a new place closer in toward "civilization." There's also a better chance of getting a part-time job in that area as it's full of all sorts of little eclectic stores everywhere, and of course the big ones are there too, but I'd love working in a small glass shop, pottery place, etc. Anyhow, I've babbled on and I'm sorry. Guess you deduced that my family is Scotch - we're MacPherson's. Thanks for writing ..... I needed that today.
abby

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