1. < Breast Cancer

How do you respond to this?

Posted by Judy Nauman Churchfield @judychurch, Apr 1 1:33am

My daughter has stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, and all of our friends have been very supportive and empathetic. BUT...we ran into a friend whom we hadn't seen in quite some time, and the first things she asked were, "Didn't you have a mammogram every year? Why didn't they catch it earlier? Didn't you feel the lump?" etc etc. It felt like she was blaming my daughter instead of offering any sympathy, and quite frankly I wanted to smack her. Way to go, you just made my precious daughter feel bad. How would you respond?

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myoga | @myoga | 5 days ago
In reply to @judychurch "Thank you all, for your kind words, for sharing your experiences and your advice! I attended..." + (show)
@judychurch

Thank you all, for your kind words, for sharing your experiences and your advice! I attended a cancer caregiver support group here at our local hospital today, and found the most wonderful, caring social worker...she is a gem! And thanks to you, I will be ready with some responses the next time this happens...although I will still be tempted to smack ém.

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I’d love to smack ‘em too. So if you did it, please do one for me as well! All kidding aside, I’m sorry that your daughter has stage 4. I pray that her treatments are going well and wish her a full remission. 🤗

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moshi | @moshi | 5 days ago

It’s hard to be graceful in the face of sheer stupidity… I believe I would’ve been speechless for a moment, then possibly regained composure…. Your daughter no doubt felt belittled on top of everything else. And I would probably throw grace out with the garbage… something like: ‘ya know, you’re not only stupid… you’re mean.”would be appropriate.
Curse words bring you down a notch… your daughter needs your strength and guidance… show her how to be strong, be brave, be beautiful…
She needs to be a warrior…

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Judy Nauman Churchfield | @judychurch | 5 days ago
In reply to @tullynut "When I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 5 years ago, I was shocked. I got..." + (show)
@tullynut

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 5 years ago, I was shocked. I got my annual mammogram, did breast self exams, everything I was supposed to do. There were three masses in my breast, none of which were palpable. My oncology doctor said to me that as long as he was looking at my scans, showing him exactly where the masses were he could sort of feel maybe something there. But without the scan, he would’ve given me an absolutely perfect breast exam with no evidence of cancer. All three masses were the same type of cancer, none of them are palpable. They were fast growing and likely developed between the time of my last mammogram and the one that showed something. People can be stupid and people can be rude. You can use my experience as a breast cancer patient who got regular mammograms and did everything right. None of that stopped the development of cancer. None of it is really her business, but if you have to keep in contact with this woman for whatever reason You might want to use it as a teaching moment. Personally, I would drop her like a hot potato.

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I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, and hope you are doing well! The 'friend' and we don't run in the same circles, so we will hopefully not see her again. But if we do, I have some good retorts in mind thanks to this group!

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LisaY1 | @lisay1 | 4 days ago

I had dense breasts and they would say they are watching different areas. I went every 6 months for a couple of years until I finally had pain. Then it was discovered in four different areas of my breast and had spread to my lymph nodes. I went to all my appointments. For someone to say something like that just amazes me how people just don't get it!

I wish you and your daughter the best

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flygirl747 | @flygirl747 | 4 days ago
In reply to @dolphina3 "So sorry this happened. I had mammograms every year and one year they found 5.8 cm..." + (show)
@dolphina3

So sorry this happened. I had mammograms every year and one year they found 5.8 cm lump so it had been missed Cancer can be sneaky.
DR liz O Riordan has a U tube channel that is helpful. She is a breast surgeon who has gone thru breast cancer. She has alot of u tube posts that are helpful sending hugs.

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Sorry, white spots.

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dolphina3 | @dolphina3 | 4 days ago
In reply to @flygirl747 "Sorry, white spots." + (show)
@flygirl747

Sorry, white spots.

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Did you have white spots.

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flygirl747 | @flygirl747 | 4 days ago

White spots on the mammogram .

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Blessed | @blessedx6 | 3 days ago

I think sometimes people hear news like stage 4 breast cancer and they become fearful thinking that this could be them. They start thinking about all the things they are doing to prevent this. Unfortunately, their fear results in them saying hurtful and insensitive things to others.

I am sorry your daughter had to hear this from a person who obviously doesn't understand how aggressive breast can be regardless of the annual mammograms and physical checkups. Prayers for you and your daughter. She is fortunate to have you as a support to her during her treatments.

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rgn | @rgn | 2 days ago
In reply to @blessedx6 "I think sometimes people hear news like stage 4 breast cancer and they become fearful thinking..." + (show)
@blessedx6

I think sometimes people hear news like stage 4 breast cancer and they become fearful thinking that this could be them. They start thinking about all the things they are doing to prevent this. Unfortunately, their fear results in them saying hurtful and insensitive things to others.

I am sorry your daughter had to hear this from a person who obviously doesn't understand how aggressive breast can be regardless of the annual mammograms and physical checkups. Prayers for you and your daughter. She is fortunate to have you as a support to her during her treatments.

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There is a book, There is No Good Card for This, written by two women, cancer survivors.
It helps to make sense of these kind of remarks with GREAT HUMOR.

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jardinera25 | @jardinera25 | 2 days ago

A sister of my good friend found out she had stage 4 with metastasis to her spine. She'd been told originally it was just back pain and to go for physical therapy. Finally after a mammogram or a test of some sort, they realized it was breast cancer. That was 8 years ago. She has done very well with radiation and treatments with Herceptin infusions for her HER-2 positive BC, maybe other things I'm unaware of. She exercises and eats very healthy. It's possible for people with stage 4 illness to do very well.

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