How do you respond to this?

@judychurch

It is a shame that your daughter's friend said something that caused pain to your daughter. I am guessing her friend was more interested in the "Why?" then what happens next.

When I had cancer, many friends / relatives did not know how to react. I got tiered hearing the word 'sorry". Instead I wanted to hear words of encouragement. I would of had hard time being polite and would of probably broke down in tears. I was very emotions during cancer treatment.

You can do everything right and still get cancer. You might be interested in comments in following recent discussion. Different scenario, but the poster's friend makes comments that left poster feeling guilty and wondering if she did / doing something that caused her cancer.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/how-do-you-deal-with-well-meaning-but-hurtful-comments-from-friends/
I will be eager to see responses from other members.

Ignore your “friend”. Any cancer diagnosis is frightening no matter the circumstances. Her comments are a reflection of her ignorance. I went from a clean scan to cancer in 6 months. I blamed myself for not getting a second opinion on a questionable scan. A kind oncologist said no one is to blame. Cancer can pop-up quickly and unpredictably. Your daughter did nothing wrong. She is my thoughts and prayers and is certainly not alone.

"Didn't you have a mammogram every year?”
I can help you understand the science about mammograms and when they don’t identify a cancer.

“Why didn't they catch it earlier?”
There is research about why. Do you want me to send you some links?

“Didn't you feel the lump?"
I ignored every sign of cancer. The lump was golf ball size, it was leaking fluid, and my breast was bright red. I hid it all.
*pause*
Hahaha just kidding! (No need to say anymore. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.)

I’ve started reading Mel Robbins “Let Them Theory” and I’ve found a bit of tension release in “letting them” behave ignorantly if they must.

@judychurch - Hi Judy. Thanks for your post.

I have found comments by many “well meaning” people to be unhelpful - and annoying. Usually, these are people who have never experienced cancer themselves. It’s a combination of toxic positivity and ignorance.

And it has made me regretful that I probably said very unhelpful and inelegant things in the past to friends and family who were dealing with cancer.

Hang in there.

I have found it so helpful to learn that other patients experience this same frustration.

And I have vowed to myself to be more thoughtful in how I respond in the future to anyone dealing with cancer or challenging medical conditions.

This was an unkind--almost panicky--response. And Stage 4 breast cancer is often marginalized, hidden away. Very little public discussion or even acknowledgement that it exists during breast cancer "months" or ad campaigns.
But you aren't there to educate there people! I think, I hope, I'd say something like "right now, we are helped by expressions of support but it isn't appropriate for us to go into medical details when we run into someone." Then either change the subject or leave.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best. I'm glad most people have been kind and caring, unlike this one!

My advice: Just don't answer questions about why your daughter's cancer wasn't detected earlier. It's not your job to reassure the questioners that they don't have undetected cancer--which is what these questions really mean. Instead ask the questioner: "When was YOUR last mammogram/ monthly breast self-exam, doctor checked your breasts for lumps, etc.?"
BTW, for many months after my cancer diagnosis, I told no one that I had cancer--precisely because I didn't want to answer questions like the ones you and your precious daughter were asked.

I'm sorry for the insensitive comment of an ill informed person. I had just been to the Dr. and had the yearly breast exam, no lumps. I then had a mammogram and they saw three write spots, no mass. Cancer is a very sneaky thing you just don't know when it will hit.

So sorry this happened. I had mammograms every year and one year they found 5.8 cm lump so it had been missed Cancer can be sneaky.
DR liz O Riordan has a U tube channel that is helpful. She is a breast surgeon who has gone thru breast cancer. She has alot of u tube posts that are helpful sending hugs.

Thank you all, for your kind words, for sharing your experiences and your advice! I attended a cancer caregiver support group here at our local hospital today, and found the most wonderful, caring social worker...she is a gem! And thanks to you, I will be ready with some responses the next time this happens...although I will still be tempted to smack ém.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 5 years ago, I was shocked. I got my annual mammogram, did breast self exams, everything I was supposed to do. There were three masses in my breast, none of which were palpable. My oncology doctor said to me that as long as he was looking at my scans, showing him exactly where the masses were he could sort of feel maybe something there. But without the scan, he would’ve given me an absolutely perfect breast exam with no evidence of cancer. All three masses were the same type of cancer, none of them are palpable. They were fast growing and likely developed between the time of my last mammogram and the one that showed something. People can be stupid and people can be rude. You can use my experience as a breast cancer patient who got regular mammograms and did everything right. None of that stopped the development of cancer. None of it is really her business, but if you have to keep in contact with this woman for whatever reason You might want to use it as a teaching moment. Personally, I would drop her like a hot potato.