Husband doesn't know who I am more and more

Posted by bclane @bclane, Mar 25 7:27pm

I'm more bummed out than usual by this tonight, so I'm unloading here. It seems like it wasn't that long ago that it happened for the first time, then a few more times but I could still count how many. Now, I've lost track. And that's only the times I've confirmed he doesn't know who I am by actually asking him. When I tell him who I am and that we've been married over 34 years, he's surprised.

What clues me in is when he starts telling me stories about things that happened in our past, but as far as he is concerned, it's HIS past. That's when I ask him if he knows who I am, and he never does. I've suspected it other times based on the way he acts or looks at me, but I don't always ask. It strikes me odd that when he doesn't know who I am, he's still not concerned about who the "strange woman" is in his home.

Usually I take it in stride because I know it's the way things will go, but tonight I came close to tears. Maybe it's because one of the stories he started telling me was about our old dog who just died the first of this month. He said it made him want to cry. I want to cry for the loss of both of them.

Anyway, thanks for "listening." It's good to have a place to unload.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

gently | @gently | Mar 25 8:32pm

bclane, we're glad to listen and know that we aren't alone in these tragic moments. The crying is exhausting. I'm always grateful for the sleep that allows for dreams of yesterday. Thanks for posting.

celia16 | @celia16 | Mar 25 9:50pm

I’m so sorry this is happening. Dementia is so cruel.

Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Mar 26 6:09am

Good morning, @bclane I’m Scott and I was my wife’s caregiver for her 14+ year journey. It’s a tough and sad road you are on for sure.

One thing that helped me was that there were many questions I simply quit asking because I knew my wife’s broken brain was going to give me an answer I didn’t want to hear or I couldn’t understand. The damage is irreversible so I had to teach myself not to expect answers from our ‘old days’. It was hard but did help me.

Wishing you strength, courage. & Peace

katrina123 | @katrina123 | Mar 26 12:18pm

bclane
I totally understand your grief. My husband has Alzheimer's and I care for him at home. There are many things that he does that are exhausting but the most heart-breaking thing is when he does not know me and when I bring up things that we have done in our lives, but he doesn't remember. To witness my husband leaving me, cell by cell is so awful. At the same time that I am losing him I am also losing myself. It is difficult to explain to people who are not living through this what it is really like.
I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible journey too.
Katrina123

verol65 | @verol65 | Mar 26 2:02pm

Sending you a big hug, @bclane !

My husband and I care for my mother-in-law. Little by little she started not recognizing us, but, as in the case of your husband, she does not question who that strange man and that strange woman are doing in her apartment. She seems to take for granted that she needs help, even when she sometimes refuses to collaborate to stand up or sit down, and that these two people are there for that.

bclane | @bclane | Mar 26 3:05pm

In reply to @celia16 "I’m so sorry this is happening. Dementia is so cruel." + (show)

Truer words were never spoken! It's a slow death with the person disappearing before the body. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, either as the victim of it or the caregiver.

bclane | @bclane | Mar 26 3:17pm

In reply to @katrina123 "bclane I totally understand your grief. My husband has Alzheimer's and I care for him at..." + (show)

Cell by cell…that's an accurate way of describing it. It seems it gets worse every day and I'm usually surprised by some new manifestation of the change. I remember caring for people who had dementia when I was a nurse, but it's a lot different when you live with someone with it 24/7. My husband's is a result of multiple TIAs and one bigger stroke, but he doesn't have any physical problems due to the strokes, and I'm thankful for that at least. I hate that you feel you are losing yourself, too, but I know what you mean. And only people like us going through it can know what you mean.

bclane | @bclane | Mar 26 3:18pm

In reply to @IndianaScott "Good morning, @bclane I’m Scott and I was my wife’s caregiver for her 14+ year journey...." + (show)

Thank you! Wishing you strength, courage, and peace, too.

bclane | @bclane | Mar 26 3:21pm

In reply to @verol65 "Sending you a big hug, @bclane ! My husband and I care for my mother-in-law. Little..." + (show)

I think that must be it with my husband, too. A few times he has thought I was "the woman up the road" or "the woman next door," so I guess he thinks "she" has been hired to take care of him or is just a nice neighbor. There are times he does know who I am, but they're getting fewer.