1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Caregiver for Spouse with Alzheimers - How can I Survive?

Posted by wascaly @wascaly, Mar 24 9:13am

I am a 74 year old spouse of a retired Army officer. He was diagnosed with memory loss/probable Altzheimers one year ago. Since then, we have sold our house and moved into a very expensive senior facility. My son wanted us to move closer to him and, so here we are
Besides all the stress from the move, I also am stressing life with someone who was becoming more and more “out there.” My DIL constantly reminds me how “it’s going to get worse,” as if I haven’t already figured that out!
This community living really doesn’t agree with me. I don’t want to sound snobby, but the activities they have here are kind of silly. None of them interest me. All the rules and regulations here are extremely constricted. For instance, there is no cooking allowed. While I realize management doesn’t want a bunch of old people setting the place on fire, I’d really like to try all these recipes I get online.

Additionally, living with a man who previously commanded several companies and who used to have that “take charge” attitude is disintegrating right in front of my eyes. It’s so demoralizing, not to mention just plain tragic.

I could go on and on, but I know everyone who reads this may already be bored. I also have physical problems, as well, but they pale in comparison with those of my spouse. In light of all the complete upheaval of our lives, I, myself, am so stressed and anxious. I hear it in my quivering voice and constant nervousness.

In closing I thank you for “listening.” If anyone has any advice, I would certainly love to hear it. I care very much about helping my husband, but I’m really concerned about my own mental health. I sometimes wonder if Altzheimers is contagious!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

wascaly | @wascaly | Mar 26 10:19am
In reply to @gently "We're not bored. It seems like you are not well matched with this expensive facility. I..." + (show)
@gently

We're not bored. It seems like you are not well matched with this expensive facility. I don't know how locked in you are, and with all of the turmoil of this year, another change now might not be the best for you. But you should at the least be able to get away.
It can be tough because you love the guy and you know more than anyone in the world about what he needs and what comfort him. But taking a class or seeing a movie, a long walk you need to be able to step away. And luckily your son wanted you close to help you facilitate the things that you and your husband need.
If you can, slowly start looking for a place with fewer restrictions. Wanting a place where you can cook is such a small desire. Don't ask yourself to stop living.

Jump to this post

Thanks so much for your suggestions.
I do need, however, to explain my health concerns.
January 2025, because of my imbalance, I took a nasty fall while my husband was hospitalized for pneumonia. Well, long story short, the senior facility called 911, and an ambulance whisked me away to the local ER. From there I ended up having surgery for a broken hip, as well as a broken femur.
As a result of this, I am now in a wheelchair and am receiving PT every 2 weeks. Of course, my goal is to be able to walk with my walker (as I did before) with a cane. I don’t see in my future being able to walk without assistance, a harsh realization.
I say all this because of your suggestion to take a walk. Believe me, I’d love to! When my femur heals which was, without a doubt, the worst injury, I do plan to get outside and enjoy nature, on my walker! As it is now, this facility has a “Fitness Room” with a few dumbbells and a couple of recumbent bikes. I drag my husband there at least 3x a week. It’s kind of funny - it appears we’re the only residents who use it. I guess no one else is interested, but I’ve been working out 30 years, and although it’s a far cry from what I’m used to, I’m just not ready to completely give it up.
Since I’m not locked in to a lease, I am still looking for a place to live that would allow me to at least indulge some of my desires, while at the same time providing the care we both need.
Thank you, again.

REPLY
1 reply
gently | @gently | Mar 26 11:04am
In reply to @wascaly "Thanks so much for your suggestions. I do need, however, to explain my health concerns. January..." + (show)
@wascaly

Thanks so much for your suggestions.
I do need, however, to explain my health concerns.
January 2025, because of my imbalance, I took a nasty fall while my husband was hospitalized for pneumonia. Well, long story short, the senior facility called 911, and an ambulance whisked me away to the local ER. From there I ended up having surgery for a broken hip, as well as a broken femur.
As a result of this, I am now in a wheelchair and am receiving PT every 2 weeks. Of course, my goal is to be able to walk with my walker (as I did before) with a cane. I don’t see in my future being able to walk without assistance, a harsh realization.
I say all this because of your suggestion to take a walk. Believe me, I’d love to! When my femur heals which was, without a doubt, the worst injury, I do plan to get outside and enjoy nature, on my walker! As it is now, this facility has a “Fitness Room” with a few dumbbells and a couple of recumbent bikes. I drag my husband there at least 3x a week. It’s kind of funny - it appears we’re the only residents who use it. I guess no one else is interested, but I’ve been working out 30 years, and although it’s a far cry from what I’m used to, I’m just not ready to completely give it up.
Since I’m not locked in to a lease, I am still looking for a place to live that would allow me to at least indulge some of my desires, while at the same time providing the care we both need.
Thank you, again.

Jump to this post

oh, wascaly, you are certainly dealing with a lot and handling it well. Does the lack of balance continue to be a problem. Nice to have a private little fitness room--fewer germs. I hope the fractures aren't painful, obviously you aren't a complainer. Best wishes to you and your husband.

REPLY
sillyblone | @sillyblone | Mar 26 11:18am

My heart goes out to you. Being a caregiver myself I would say it is tiring , annoying at times because of the way he talks to me and it is all about him 24/7. Don't get me wrong I am honored to help him and hear the occasional "I love you" . That being said his nasty side comes out and I try to respond positively..but I am human nor am I perfect. So far this has been going on almost 7 year's. I never know what to expect daily. Been married over 52 years. I cannot give up .But I will say it is starting to get to me.Luckily I have cousins and my best friend ever. Stay strong..but don't have something you do for you! I was able to see what my Dad was doing at an Independent Living and I was appalled at the lack of care, neglect and the most ridiculous things they called keeping engaged. They were stringing beads on string. No talking or interaction. I found my father in a fearful state because his roommate screamed at him. My Dad had macular degeneration in both eyes. They had put the man's clothes on my Dad. My Dad had not been shaved he had a BM and he stunk to high heaven. I shaved him and since he needed two people to help him . I asked them to clean him nicely. They put his pants on they were soild with feces. At that point I had had it . I spoke to the Director. What a joke. I live in another state, so my sister took out of his former place. Which was clean and he was always attended for all his needs. My sister got an earful when I returned home. A few days later he ended up in the hospital and never went back.The reason I say this is neglect from a caregiver or dumping him there in the first place. I wish that they would have more things for you to do. It is appalling how no one asked the caregiver and offer things that interest everyone. I think it is money . Mainly the bottom dollar. By the way my sister is watching my brother now. I visited in Febuary and the house is horrible. All three of my loved have or had Parkinsons. I gathered it was a nice place ,but nothing is offered to you and I am so sorry. I do care. So sorry so wordy. Best of wishes to you both. From someone who cares and totally get it. Hugs a and prayers.

REPLY
1 reply
kittyjohnson1964 | @kittyjohnson1964 | Mar 30 8:06pm

As I was reading over your post I felt compelled to respond. I am a caregiver for people with dementia and alzheimers. I have seen first hand what it can do to the spouse who is the care giver. First I applaud you for hanging in there. Some days are worse than others. In one of the comments someone said"You can't give from an empty basket" and they are right. Take time for you. Whatever you enjoy and makes you laugh and smile. Give yourself credit, go easy on yourself you are only human. And please make sure you get some good sleep,that is crucial for dealing with stress,God is with you every step of the way. Claim his promises. He promises never to leave us nor forsake us. I'll be praying for you both. Take care

REPLY
celia16 | @celia16 | Mar 31 1:40am
In reply to @sillyblone "My heart goes out to you. Being a caregiver myself I would say it is tiring..." + (show)
@sillyblone

My heart goes out to you. Being a caregiver myself I would say it is tiring , annoying at times because of the way he talks to me and it is all about him 24/7. Don't get me wrong I am honored to help him and hear the occasional "I love you" . That being said his nasty side comes out and I try to respond positively..but I am human nor am I perfect. So far this has been going on almost 7 year's. I never know what to expect daily. Been married over 52 years. I cannot give up .But I will say it is starting to get to me.Luckily I have cousins and my best friend ever. Stay strong..but don't have something you do for you! I was able to see what my Dad was doing at an Independent Living and I was appalled at the lack of care, neglect and the most ridiculous things they called keeping engaged. They were stringing beads on string. No talking or interaction. I found my father in a fearful state because his roommate screamed at him. My Dad had macular degeneration in both eyes. They had put the man's clothes on my Dad. My Dad had not been shaved he had a BM and he stunk to high heaven. I shaved him and since he needed two people to help him . I asked them to clean him nicely. They put his pants on they were soild with feces. At that point I had had it . I spoke to the Director. What a joke. I live in another state, so my sister took out of his former place. Which was clean and he was always attended for all his needs. My sister got an earful when I returned home. A few days later he ended up in the hospital and never went back.The reason I say this is neglect from a caregiver or dumping him there in the first place. I wish that they would have more things for you to do. It is appalling how no one asked the caregiver and offer things that interest everyone. I think it is money . Mainly the bottom dollar. By the way my sister is watching my brother now. I visited in Febuary and the house is horrible. All three of my loved have or had Parkinsons. I gathered it was a nice place ,but nothing is offered to you and I am so sorry. I do care. So sorry so wordy. Best of wishes to you both. From someone who cares and totally get it. Hugs a and prayers.

Jump to this post

That sounds like a horrific experience, but I wasn’t aware Independent Living provided much in way of hands on care for the residents. Is your dad now getting a higher level if care? M

REPLY
1 reply
sillyblone | @sillyblone | Mar 31 11:50am
In reply to @celia16 "That sounds like a horrific experience, but I wasn’t aware Independent Living provided much in way..." + (show)
@celia16

That sounds like a horrific experience, but I wasn’t aware Independent Living provided much in way of hands on care for the residents. Is your dad now getting a higher level if care? M

Jump to this post

He was not in the proper place. But I live in another state. My Dad was being neglected in my opinion. When he moved in with my brother he received care from HHA and they decided the care . I would have never let this happen in the first place. It was me from long distance who was making suggestions to deaf ears. My Dad passed in 2018. No more suffering.

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.