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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business

Posted by Scott, Volunteer Mentor @IndianaScott, Sep 4, 2016

I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!

I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....

So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂

I'll start.

More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.

As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.

In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.

Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."

This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!

Feel free to have at it!

Peace and strength to all caregivers!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

jwright726 | @jwright726 | Mar 20 8:28am

After mom passed I could see so many things I could do better. And I can't get rid of the guilt. I miss her so much and loved caring for her. It's been 3 years and there isn't a day that goes by when I am not thinking of mom.

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jwright726 | @jwright726 | Mar 20 8:33am

I am sure you did the best for her. Blessings to you.

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strongsurvivor | @strongsurvivor | Mar 21 11:13pm
In reply to @colleenyoung "What a great idea, Scott. You're so right. Guilt doesn't have to be rational to be..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

What a great idea, Scott. You're so right. Guilt doesn't have to be rational to be real. And it is very real for many caregivers. Sometimes I just feel like marching around with a placard and shout "Down with Guilt" or "Guilt be Gone! We're Doing the Best we Can." But alas, feelings of guilt seem to go hand in hand with caregiving.

I like the idea of dumping our guilt here, to share it with others who get it and can help us lessen the burden we place on ourselves. I'm tagging other members of the Caregivers group to bring them into the conversation. @sma1952 @lindabf @lisa_sj99 @besrus5 @soul @sylviapf @tavi @sandydominy1 @bbams @burrkay @rozalia @kwilbur @chesneydell1965 @martyc2016 @dawn_giacabazi @rjm62 @shortshot80 @azjulie @macbeth please read Scott's message above.

What guilt burden would you like to leave in the "dumpster"?

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My husband passed 5 weeks ago and I am struggling with guilt over the times that I lost my patience with him. This was obviously due to stress. I would always apologize, but I still gwlt awful.

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royce | @royce | Mar 22 7:34am

jwright726 and strongsurvivor, We all share in this kind of guilt. It feels horrible to hurt the ones we love. We all have done it.

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1995victoria | @1995victoria | Mar 22 7:37am

I'm so sorry for your loss. It can be difficult not to lose patience when you experience a loved one decline, but haven't intellectually realized it. It's hard not to feel guilty, but we all struggle understanding ourselves and our feelings, and then struggle to understand those we love. We do our best. I always repeat to myself the lines of the serenity prayer "Accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can". It helps me feel peaceful. Wishing you peace as you mourn the loss of your husband.

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jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Mar 23 10:24am
In reply to @jwright726 "After mom passed I could see so many things I could do better. And I can't..." + (show)
@jwright726

After mom passed I could see so many things I could do better. And I can't get rid of the guilt. I miss her so much and loved caring for her. It's been 3 years and there isn't a day that goes by when I am not thinking of mom.

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I had the same feelings when my mum died. She lived in the UK and when I found out she had cancer I went home for a month and ended up staying 4 months until she passed, one thing I will never regret was I remember her saying your not leaving are you? There are so many things I thought of later that I could have done so I went to a counselor, I only had one session, she asked me a question what more could you have done? When I looked back I realized I did everything I could just being there was a comfort to my mother who never had to worry about anything. I think if you look back also you will find the same thing?

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jwright726 | @jwright726 | Mar 23 4:01pm
In reply to @jeanadair123 "I had the same feelings when my mum died. She lived in the UK and when..." + (show)
@jeanadair123

I had the same feelings when my mum died. She lived in the UK and when I found out she had cancer I went home for a month and ended up staying 4 months until she passed, one thing I will never regret was I remember her saying your not leaving are you? There are so many things I thought of later that I could have done so I went to a counselor, I only had one session, she asked me a question what more could you have done? When I looked back I realized I did everything I could just being there was a comfort to my mother who never had to worry about anything. I think if you look back also you will find the same thing?

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Thank you

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Mar 29 10:05pm
In reply to @kateia "My husband and I were care givers for my mom and dad for close to 40..." + (show)
@kateia

My husband and I were care givers for my mom and dad for close to 40 years. The last 10 years was very difficult for me seeing my mom failing and tearing dad apart verbally. My sister and brother would visit occasionally (2-3 x a year) but never really accepted that my mom was having problems. We moved them closer to my sister and brother three years ago so that they would get to see family more often which also included grandchildren and great-grandchildren. They lived in independent living for 2 years before having to move mom into memory care. Dad remains in independent living. I am now 2 1/2 hours away and visit e/o week.
I spend pretty much the whole day there. Two hours with mom and 4-5 hours with dad. Since mom has been in memory care (I'm the lady that visits once in awhile -- she doesn't know me as her daughter) I have enjoyed being the "daughter" again and just visiting without all of the other responsibilities. My sister is now trying to guilt me into coming more. She visits a couple times a week, for short periods, and my brother visits daily (he works next door to the facility). They both feel very guilty that nothing was done to help mom prior to their move. I tried for 2-3 years asking them to help. How do I explain to them that they do not need to feel guilty. Mom is being well taken care of. Dad is doing fine. They need to love them as their parents. God has blessed us with extra years to share with them. They are not a burden. I don't want them to burn out by thinking they have to make up for lost time. What do I do?

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Keep loving them and be yourself. You sound like a beautiful soul. 🫂

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baughn | @baughn | Mar 30 1:09pm

My daughter became disabled by a rare illness when she was in her mid twenties. My family and her father’s family basically ignored this issue for years and didn’t make any attempts to help. After she finally received a completely disabled diagnosis from SSA they were better but still basically ignore what they don't understand. Hang in there. You are not alone.

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jeanadair123 | @jeanadair123 | Mar 30 4:26pm

My husband is taking his nap after lunch so thought I would check in. First I am so grateful for what he does, garbage, dishes, fills coffee and napkins, gets his shower and dresses himself to name a few. Life is good basically as long as my mouth stays closed. 😂 negative points he won’t wear his hearing aids which after many discussions is not going to happen, so I find I do not communicate as much as I used to since I have to repeat everything 2-3 times. I have to make sure I always put my sweats away for they seem to disappear into his man cave which is irritating but when I realize that I can’t find them now I look there. I find I spend a lot of time looking for things and he constantly gets his wallet and glasses mixed up. Little changes I see but for this man I am hopelessly in love with I will deal with this and try and be the person I hope he would be proud of? He tells me 10 times a day how much he loves me what more could I ask for? That’s me for today.

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