I don't know why I did that

Posted by joedeb @joedeb, Feb 8 9:31am

Yesterday while we were in the kitchen, with me doing some cleanup, my wife just turned a burner on on the stove. Nothing on the burner. My reaction was much like you would react to a 3 yr old who did that. Later, I asked her why she did that. Her reply was telling for me. She said "I don't know why I did that" I realized that I can't treat her like a 3 yr old and yell at her to punish her like some pavlovian dog exercise. She's a grown adult. That response only offends her. That's the thing about dementia I'm learning. She did it but doesn't know why. It's frustrating and scary. Two days ago I notices holes in the turtleneck shirt she had on. She never liked this shirt because it was tight over her head. I found a pair of scissors on the laundry counter with chunks of the shirt next to it. She just started cuttin holes in the shirt. She didn't know why she did that. My sister in law, in assisted living with long haul parkinsons, just takes off out of her apartment down the haul and falls. The staff have threatened her telling her she has to be in a wheel chair at all times or they are moving her to memory care. That didn't work.
She is moving into memory care next tuesday. Now they have a full time person with her to protect her. She just doesn't know why she doesn't remember to get in the wheel chair despite constant reminders.
When I talked to my wife this morning and told her I realized she was not able to know why she turned on the burner, she teared up. I think everyone, me included, has done stupid things that later you say to yourself "Why did I do that?" With that there is some self awareness and self examination. With dementia, the self awareness and examination are gone. It's like a child before the sense of reason or learning takes hold. Such a weird thing to deal with...

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

@carrie40

Oh my...sounds so familiar. Two major issues in one marriage are at least one too many. My husband has cognitive decline (he's 88) and I have pancreatic cancer. Trying to stay stress free, eat meals without arguments, trying to remember he can't help it, keeping up with bills, food and household maintenance--I know all of you readers are doing the same thing. He leans on me so heavily for everything--every tiny little decision (should I make coffee? what's happening today? why isn't my computer (phone, etc.) working?) Asks for my opinion and then argues about it. Hard to remember the good times. I'm glad I have some photo albums and get them out to look at old pictures--and I'm grateful for a supportive family, no financial worries after being frugal for a lifetime...

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We're all in this together. The only way out is through. I feel such sympathy and empathy for everyone dealing with things that can all too often feel overwhelming.

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@steilacoomcaregiver

You seem to have a very open mind about her unexplained behavior. I admire your compassion and understanding for her.

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Welcome, @steilacoomcaregiver. May I ask what your caregiver situation is? Who are you caring for? How are you doing?

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Post Covid I took on additional household management tasks to support my husband. Due to the episodic nature of his memory lapses and loss of concentration I accompany him to appointments and help him monitor exercise, diet, and medication. We got legal paperwork in order and he has new Neurologist. I am trying to stay on top of things.

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@saa76

I see myself and my husband in your description. Remind, remind, remind. Notice the root, “mind”? One thing I’m learning, when I’m not seething with impatience from repeating myself, is that this caregiver journey keeps my mind on point! I don’t think I’ll lose my memory because I must keep alert for the both of us.

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I'm having one of those seething impatience days!!!! My husband has an upcoming sleep study this Friday at a hotel by us. He has been wearing an Actigraphy device for the last 2 weeks. We need to return it tomorrow via Fedex along with a sleep study work sheet he has been logging.
My whole morning has been discussions with my beloved husband concerning the return.
I have repeated the process 10 times this morning!!!
saa76.. I agree that we can't lose our memory.
Just one of those days that I might lose it. Serenity Prayer!!!!!!!

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It is sometimes difficult to determine what is a memory issue and what has been procrastination or evenrebellion. I am learning to give the benefit of the doubt and continue to support.

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@steilacoomcaregiver

Post Covid I took on additional household management tasks to support my husband. Due to the episodic nature of his memory lapses and loss of concentration I accompany him to appointments and help him monitor exercise, diet, and medication. We got legal paperwork in order and he has new Neurologist. I am trying to stay on top of things.

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How were you able to get a neurologist? All we get are written are verbal memory tests that do not clearly show anything but possible "mild decline". We wouldn't be there if there was not a problem!

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@crypea

I can certainly relate to your post. My husband is the same way, very functional, but we cover the same topics or I answer the same questions each day. I try my best to be patient, but sometimes it is just too much!

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Absolutely... I have never been so patient in my whole life! And I am 74! I still slip up occasionally.

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