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My father cries a lot. We are at a loss what to do.
When my father had a "mini" stroke for the 2nd time late March 2019 (1st one 10 yrs prior) the Dr. only ordered blood/urine tests, head CT & a NeuroPsych eval. The blood/urine/CT results were all normal. The NeuroPsych eval took 7 months to get in. He was diagnosed in Oct. 2019 "Isolated Memory Impairment vs. Mild Dementia, suggestive cerebral vascular basis for cognitive difficulties, poss. lateralized to the left hemisphere." When we followed up with his PCP, I was given a copy of the report, and we were told to come back in 6 months. No referral to Neurology was suggested. I did request a referral to U of Mich. PT Department's "Drive Ability" program and his driver's license was eventually taken away. He was very angry for a few years about losing his license and eventually his PCP agreed that we could try an anti-depressant. He's on Cymbalta now 60mg. Not much changed and life became day to day.
I moved in with my parents late March 2019 after his "stroke" when I discovered that Dad wasn't paying some of their bills and putting salt in the water softener, etc. VERY unlike him.
My mother also was not formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but her brother died from it and her sister was diagnosed has been in a memory care facility since 2018. Mom also had no memory and was on dialysis. I eventually learned how to do her dialysis at home and what foods to avoid etc. Dialysis was her last contact with other people/social life and I was very sad when she gave up driving herself back and forth to dialysis, but was happy I was trained and could treat her at home.
They kept me very busy, despite their routines were simply to get out of bed each day, spend the day in their recliners and back to bed each night. The TV always on. News for Mom & NCIS for Dad. Dad didn't keep in touch with any of his friends after retiring from Detroit Edison in 2003. It was pretty much, just the 2 of them. Neither of them were very social.
Last year Mom fell, hit her head, brain bleed caused her to lose the ability to swallow, we had Hospice get her out of the hospital, to be home with Dad and she passed 2/25/24
They had been married since 1956. Held hands while they slept at night.
Here we are shy one day of Mom's passing a year ago. Dad's cognitive abilities have continued to decline. He can't change the batteries on his TV remote anymore or use a phone. It's too confusing.
The past 6 months it seems like he is more aware of his mental decline and lack of memory and it makes him very sad. He has reached the point where he is sobbing almost every day now.
I am on a 6 week break from care giving and my sister Julie is staying with Dad while juggling a full time job after moving her computer from home. We are at a loss with how/if to console him.
At first I/we would run to him, hug him and tell him we missed Mom too. We would cry and look at photos or reminisce together and eventually I could coax him to come have breakfast or lunch. Then it seemed like I should maybe let him occasionally cry on his own thinking we all need to grieve in our own way sometimes.
Mom was my best friend. My husband & I traveled many times with my parents. We have lots of good memories.
His 87th birthday was 2/20. He spent the day in his recliner in front of the TV. Julie had to wake him up to eat lunch and handed him the phone when his older sister called to wish him a Happy Birthday.
He fell back to sleep after lunch. When Julie brought him dinner she mentioned how nice it was that his sister called and that she made him a special dessert for his Bday supper. He couldn't remember the phone call. He wouldn't eat. Kept asking things like "when did she call?" "I had lunch?" and started crying. Julie tried to answer his questions until she decided to call his sister back so that he could talk to her again. Eventually he stopped crying.
He sobbed for a good half hour this morning before getting out of bed. Our hearts are breaking.
We are wondering if anyone has any suggestions for us and very thankful for this support group!
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My heart goes out to you and your family. I see a little of my spouse go away faster this year than ever. He cries and he also doesn't remember things the same. It is sad to see him decline from his former self. He does have a sense of humor. Being a caregiver to a family member is so hard.It really sounds like you and your family are trying to keep him engaged. I guess what I am trying to say is kudos that your parents obviously taught you how to love and be there. Hugs! Welcome to the group.
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4 ReactionsHello @dtbic2024 I went through this with a family member, not from dementia but just sad from circumstances for a few months before passing away young. My heart breaks for you right now as you go through this very hard time.
I can tell you that in time, the memory of the tears faded and the memories of the smiles and the laughter returned. I am glad I had all those months with him even though they were hard.
Enjoy your break, your deserve every minute.❤️
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2 Reactions@dtbic2024 This is so difficult. You and your sister are the most wonderful children who have decided to care for your parents. It's a very sad and difficult situation that you described first with your mother and now with your father. I am wondering if your dad's tearfulness is related to the stroke and dementia meaning that his mood changes could very well be brain-related changes that cause these changes in mood. When my father-in-law had a stroke his cheerfulness and optimism changed and he became easily tearful. We were told by the doctors that this was because of the stroke and not anything we were doing or necessarily the situation itself.
Are you and your sister in touch with a caregivers' support group in your community that meets in-person? Sometimes the people who come to these support groups are or have experienced the same as others and provide suggestions to one another.
When your father does not remember it can be helpful to not remind. Step into his reality and instead of reminding him what he may have forgotten you can focus on the present whenever that is possible. For instance, if he has forgotten that he already had lunch you can just move on to whatever is next. I'm not sure I am explaining this very well. With my own father I found it helpful to not say "remember....". Instead, I repeated the information without saying that I am reminding him or that he has forgotten. That approach worked some of the time and helped my father feel more content. I also just sat with my father at times and we did not talk. He may have been sleeping in the front of the TV but when he awoke he knew he wasn't alone.
Do any of these ideas resonate with you?
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5 Reactions@dtbic2024 I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mom and the continued vascular cognitive decline of your Dad. Kudos to you and your sister for being such compassionate and committed caregivers. It must be so exhausting to watch his ongoing grief and emotional dysregulation, which is a symptom that comes with a history of strokes, MCI, progressing toward vascular dementia. In addition to being my husband’s caregiver, I am a licensed therapist and have completed many assessments of individuals with cognitive impairment and dementia. Your Dad’s current med for depression and/ or dose should be reevaluated, particularly because geriatric patients metabolize meds differently and usually have other conditions, and meds, to consider. He would benefit from a current evaluation also from a neurologist and you may want to research “psuedobulbar affect,” as well. Best wishes that you are able to get some answers and some relief from his current level of emotional distress.
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