I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.

Posted by michael1981 @michael1981, Feb 23 4:13pm

I don't know why I am typing this. Why I started an account and am putting this put there. I don't expect the way I feel to ever change.

Last night was my daughters wedding. She was absolutely beautiful and the event went perfect. From beginning to end it could not have been better for my daughter and her now husband. I've never seen her so happy.

Her mother and myself divorced 20 years ago. Her mom remarried shortly after we divorced and they just recently celebrated their 18 year anniversary. Her husband really is a great guy. He has shown my children nothing but love and respect from day one. He views my children as his own, and I have zero doubts now that he loves them.

When I heard my exwife was getting remarried I was filled with tremendous dread and fear. The thought of losing the only thing I had left in life to live for, my children, to another father figure caused me anxiety I've never felt before.

I made a promise to myself when I first found out I was gonna be a parent that I would always put my kids welfare and happiness first. I was gonna be the dad I wished I had. I never felt my dad loved me as much as he loved the different girls he dated growing up, so I vowed to never date seriously again. My kids will never know how I felt as a kid. More than once I heard my parents say how important their own happiness is while never seeming to worry about mine. So I vowed that I will step on any landmine and smile if it meant my kids avoiding unnecessary heartache and pain. I'll give up happiness for a time if needed so my kids can have it. So I did. I encouraged my kids to love and respect their step-dad and mother. Even though I hated them both. Even if it meant I spent every night without them crying into my pillow alone. And in time my kids grew to love him as much as he loves them. Because that is what was best for them.

Leading up to my daughter's wedding it was made known in a subtle way that my daughter would love for her step dad to be just as much a part of the wedding as me. That meant sharing my first look of my daughter in her wedding dress with a man deep down I considered my ultimate rival. Walking her down the isle with me holding one arm and him holding the other. For her happiness.

I could tell in the moment how much it meant not only to my daughter but also her step dad, her mom, and every member of his family.

I was pulled to the side by most every attendee and told how beautiful the ceremony was and how proud of me they were for sharing the moment with him. I smiled, lied and said it was my pleasure. It wasn't a total lie, seeing how much he loves my kids, knowing they can count on him felt good in the moment.

That brings us to today. Today I'm filled with more depression and lack of wanting to continue another day on this planet more than ever before. I've always secretly been depressed. Of course I hide that from my kids and anyone who might tell them. I refuse to be a casue of them being sad. They must not know.

I realize now I will never truly be happy. I hate myself. I'm still here today because I've always told myself my kids truly need me. Nobody loves them like I do... I learned last night that is not true.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid. Obviously if I did it would destroy my kids happiness and zero chance I'm doing that. So... based on previous family members lifes. I may have 40 more years on this planet. 40 years to watch my grandchildren call him grandpa. 40 years of putting on a fake smile. 40 years of crying alone at night. Knowing I will never be happy again.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

sue417 | @sue417 | Feb 23 5:24pm

Hi
Please, sir.Call a crisis line in your area and they will help set you up with some kind of counseling for all the grief inside you have. If you go to a church they also have great counseling services. I've never been married or divorced , but I have lost Love in my life in relationships. I am going to tell you there podcasts on your tube by Mel Robbins . Pls go on there and start scrolling thru them. You will find good information on anxiety , depression , how to let go and move on. Counseling does wonders. If you let go and start seeing the good in your life.
And healing your pain things open up that you don't realize. May god bless you.🙏

mrmacabre | @mrmacabre | Feb 23 5:29pm

This is just my opinion, but you need to take care of YOU before anyone else. Your kids, no matter their ages, need to know the truth about how you feel. Believe me, your ex and her hubby won't be happy about it, but tough shit, we're talking about the rest of your life first and foremost.

Arrange a date with just you and your kids, take them out to lunch at a place that you all like, and tell them, calmly, how you've felt all these years. Life will never be fair, but this situation is really fu(&ed up. There's not a single reason to hide the truth from your own kids indefinitely. Don't you think that if they found out the way you've felt all of these years after something has happened to you, either intentionally or by accident, that they would have wanted to know the truth all along?

They're YOUR kids before they'll ever be his. Your daughter's wedding should have been a wake up call that this situation needs to change. I might have gone along with what happened regarding the ceremony, but no more, you deserve to be happy, and have a relationship with your kids.
I know what it's like to feel alone, miserable, and depressed. The past decade hasn't been a whole lot of fun, but without my wife and kids knowing exactly what's going on, I wouldn't still be here.

You're going to need some support if you're really sure that you are planning on being here for another 40 years. I don't even know if I have 10 years left(I'm 66) given my current circumstances, but without my family, it probably wouldn't be another 10 days.

Talk to your kids, and tell them everything that you've told us, they all deserve to know the truth.

Scott R L | @scottrl | Feb 23 5:50pm

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

If I may, a couple of suggestions.
First, don't make life-altering decisions under severe emotional strain. Weddings are life events, very emotionally intense! When you've had a chance to rest, re-think your options.

Next, a little story. After I had a stroke, my life changed in unimaginable ways. I eventually realized I had a choice: I could give in, or try to make a new life.
I wrote about my choice here:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/do-you-live-in-shunland/
Don't give up.

My YouTube channel, "From Recovery to Discovery":
https://m.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Feb 23 8:28pm

Welcome, @michael1981. I bet that was hard to write and at the same time felt good to get it all out, raw and real. As you know, love is infinite. You see that your kids are loved by both you and your wife and her husband. I bet your daughter has a bottomless bucket of love for both the men who walked her down the aisle to marry the man she will share her married life with. There is room for all of you. Love is infinite. And she loves each of you uniquely. Your place in her heart, each of your kid's heart is for you and you only.

Despite your love for your children and the sacrifice you've made because of your love for them, the negative feelings are overwhelming. You hate yourself. You feel envy and anger towards someone who you feel is a rival. That's a tough hole to climb out of on your own.

Micheal, I'm glad you've come here to chat with others. I'm listening. I think you deserve happiness for you and your children for the next 40 years. It is possible. Have you talked to a professional therapist about these feelings?

writer413 | @writer413 | Feb 24 8:10am

Please call 988 and talk to someone right now. Your eloquent and candid post shows how much you have to contribute! Please don’t give up. Where there is life, there is Hope.

kayraymat | @kayraymat | Feb 24 9:50am

Your children are adults so you might consider telling them how
you feel. Why would you assume they would feel as you felt growing up??
A therapist might give you another way to look at your life and
your future.
Although it is no one business but yours, you did not say what caused
your divorce......& a therapist would want you to talk about that also.

ladydoz | @ladydoz | Feb 24 11:04am

I hope sincerely that you find some help. Depression is real and physical and can be treated. I do hope you reach out to a professional to get some help. Medications and talk therapy can do wonders. It sounds as if you are holding a lot of emotions inside trying to be the good parent. You have wonderful values but I think you need to have the other parts of yourself heard by a professional that can help you work through your feelings. It is only when we are truly heard that we can move on. I wish you the best.

bewildered | @bewildered | Feb 24 1:54pm

YOU are their real Dad and no one else will ever replace you no matter how “great” they seem to be. Try focusing on your own happiness. YOU deserve to be happy yourself, instead of just watching everyone else be happy.

mikekennedy759 | @mikekennedy759 | Feb 25 12:19pm

@michael1981 A lot of people have written caring and helpful comments in response to your post. Like @colleenyoung mentioned, I do hope writing your post helped you in some way.

This is an emotional time for you. A life transition with your daughter getting married. I am sure that memories both good and painful, are going through your mind. It is like reliving those sorrowful moments again. As a father, I can relate to your story. I think we all wish we can be the best dad in the world. However, I sometimes feel like I came up short. I think that is a natural feeling we all get. Simply put, it is regret. While I can look back and wish I did some things differently, I did what I thought was right at the time. I had to make peace with the past and I believe my best days as a parent are going forward.

It seems like your children still have a relationship with you from what I gather. I hope that you will find your best days with them will be going forward. They are adults now and they need adult guidance. My advice is to keep communicating with them.

If you have not already done so, see a therapist. Having someone to talk to can help greatly. Maybe you can work out some ideas to connect with your children in a way you find fulfilling. There is still plenty of time for you to have some cherished wonderful memories.

Finally, thanks for posting your story. Being able to write about this, brought some needed clarity to me as well.

rashida | @rashida | Feb 26 7:51am

I can only imagine the pain you must have felt having to share that walk down the aisle with your daughter, with the other man who also has been a part of her life for eighteen years. But her heart was in the right place choosing to give you equal part in her wedding. Hold on to that thought that she still loves you as much as her step father.

Going into her future, it is clear from her gesture at her wedding that your daughter will want you to play an as important part in many more of her events going forward … like the birth of children, etc. Don’t deny yourself - and as a result, her - the pleasure of having you share in those future events too. Grandchildren bring such joy into every life they touch and most certainly they will yours.