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I don't know why I did that
Yesterday while we were in the kitchen, with me doing some cleanup, my wife just turned a burner on on the stove. Nothing on the burner. My reaction was much like you would react to a 3 yr old who did that. Later, I asked her why she did that. Her reply was telling for me. She said "I don't know why I did that" I realized that I can't treat her like a 3 yr old and yell at her to punish her like some pavlovian dog exercise. She's a grown adult. That response only offends her. That's the thing about dementia I'm learning. She did it but doesn't know why. It's frustrating and scary. Two days ago I notices holes in the turtleneck shirt she had on. She never liked this shirt because it was tight over her head. I found a pair of scissors on the laundry counter with chunks of the shirt next to it. She just started cuttin holes in the shirt. She didn't know why she did that. My sister in law, in assisted living with long haul parkinsons, just takes off out of her apartment down the haul and falls. The staff have threatened her telling her she has to be in a wheel chair at all times or they are moving her to memory care. That didn't work.
She is moving into memory care next tuesday. Now they have a full time person with her to protect her. She just doesn't know why she doesn't remember to get in the wheel chair despite constant reminders.
When I talked to my wife this morning and told her I realized she was not able to know why she turned on the burner, she teared up. I think everyone, me included, has done stupid things that later you say to yourself "Why did I do that?" With that there is some self awareness and self examination. With dementia, the self awareness and examination are gone. It's like a child before the sense of reason or learning takes hold. Such a weird thing to deal with...
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Joe -- Great post! Perfect self-awareness / reflection on your part. Think many of us "have been there with you," if you know what I mean. We're not perfect, but we CAN and DO learn. I betcha a lot of us here can relate... no matter how many responses you receive.
Appreciate you for taking the time to remind us all.
/LarryG
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4 ReactionsThose meds do help some patients who have Alzheimer’s. We discovered just how much they help my dad when we tried to decrease them. We resumed the full doses and his behavior returned to a higher level. So, he’ll stay on them for the duration.
Other than monitoring, if the patient had something like Parkinson’s, I’m not sure how a neurologist would treat a person with dementia from Alzheimer’s or vascular disease. There really is no treatment, other than the medications, which a primary can prescribe. They can order scans, but the behavior will alert you when things are progressing. Can someone chime in if I’m missing something on this?
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3 ReactionsOne of the biggest things I have noticed in myself as time goes by, I am now more patient with her nuances. Unless they are serious, I just mumble to myself and move on. Things are more and more often misplaced. If they are serious I do point them out (she ran in to the side of our garage door trim as she was trying to park the car. When I showed her the damage she agreed I'd do the garage parking from now on). I am lucky that she is willing to cooperate, at this time anyways. Also, in our case, we do not dwell on the disease. We work with it. I know my wife is still very much in the real world and I pray she stays there for as long as possible.
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7 ReactionsI like the mumbling part. I asked my wife what she wanted for valentines day. She said she would like to be away from me for a while... Today she rightly said, I was treating her like I had a dog on a leash. I want her to go at my speed. Someone told me that when your spouse starts slowing down you have two choices. Either you try to speed her up or you slow down so you are together. I think speeding her up is not thr right choice and futile. So I have to learn to slow donw. And give her some space, even if she does strange things, I guess.
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14 ReactionsI am a very fast quick thinker and mover. I have to slow down now. It’s not a bad thing to slow down. My husband feels pushed if I go to fast., Great reminder to stay present, slow down, be mindful. Thank you for your post-very honest and a great reminder.
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11 ReactionsAll new caregivers go through the same process as you. Then we learn how to react. I replaced our gas stove. I unload the dishwasher and return items to storage. We go food shopping together and she carries the grocery list but I have our real list, then tell her “we might need this or that”. I keep track of her clothes and ask her to try something else on if I notice she stained her pants. It’s a tough journey but I’m lucky to have had her for over 55 years and I’m willing to take care of her for our remaining years.
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23 Reactionswow, she is lucky to have you.....wishing you all the best of years to come....
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4 ReactionsMy husband has a geriatrician whose job it is to be up to date on all things related to aging, including new meds and the latest in dementia care. As a specialist, her knowledge and expertise are more focused but in a way she's really a translator - of symptoms into appropriate treatment. There are so many faces of Alzheimer's . As you've said, there is no cure for dementia so the best we can hope for is professional recognition of the changes in decline of the mind and recommendations for making the patient's quality of life the best it can be. These professionals have many patients. We only have one and it is up to us to observe and report.
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8 ReactionsI can certainly relate to your post. My husband is the same way, very functional, but we cover the same topics or I answer the same questions each day. I try my best to be patient, but sometimes it is just too much!
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11 ReactionsI guess I was fortunate that I lived with my grandparents when I was a senior in high school (50-years ago). They were both in their late 70's and were in their routine, told the same stories over and over, and there was no reason to challenge them or correct them. They loved me and I loved them. They appreciated that I did 'chores' for them. And didn't seem to upset when I'd come home at 2am on a Saturday night.
My wife was a valedictorian in high school, finished college on a work scholarship in three years, and had a 140+ IQ, and still is pretty fluent in Mandarin Chinese, French, and Spanish. A few years ago when I was talking to my physician and stressed out, not knowing the real reason, he asked how 'Deb was doing?' I replied, "Not good, its like she went from a 140 IQ to 100." (I didn't tell him that she can't 'learn' to turn on the TV, operate a computer, doesn't know what day or year it is, doesn't remember that we have been together for 20-years, and a dozen other mis-memory things she does). He instantly said, "Sounds like Frontotemporal dementia (FTD)."
But once I realized I was first, 'a caregiver' and adopted the role of living with a 'grand-parent,' a lot of the stress and 'wanting her to understand' went away. I always check stove burners and locks on the front door, and am always turning off lights. One benefit is I now have "One hour Martinizing" (the Washing Machine and Dryer is running most of the day). It is lonely and I'm working on that.
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