Divorce ~ I thought the healing was complete, but I guess not ...~

I realize that so many of you have losses much greater than mine, but I just need to get this out. My now x-husband and I were married for 45 years when we divorced. After our last child left home, I got into therapy ..... my X is a narcissist .... and my self-image was at rock bottom. I was always corrected, asked why I did some things, told I was illogical and irrational, never complimented me on anything - hair, the way I looked, how I was dressed .... nothing to build me up or make me feel good about myself. I felt like a worm. In the reverse, other people - friends and acquaintances - told me I was fun, easy to talk to, a good friend, and kind. My therapist, after hearing my story and all the pieces of it, told me that my H was an N and that they don't change .... they are totally convinced they're right. My Psychiatrist, who gave me the medication told me that "he rarely sees any Engineers in his office, but he sees a lot of their wives." A dear friend told me that "I had footprints" on my back. And still, I ignored it and plugged away, not wanting to believe I was thought of so little. My therapist, a PsyD, told me that of all the personality disorders, N's never change. When I finally convinced my husband to go to marriage therapy, the PsyD (not the same one I was seeing) asked us to tell him some good qualities about the other. I started and had several to say - when it was his time (my husband's), he thought for awhile and said, "she's a good mother." That was all he could think of. Now I was a good mother because I worked at that, but if that was all he saw in me .... I knew at that point I was done. I got up, walked out, and moved out that weekend. What did he say when I gave him a letter I wrote about why I was leaving? "You don't have to do this you know." To that I said, "yes, I do" and I left. That was many, many, years ago and it still hurts deeply. It doesn't help that he lives only 30 miles away from me - we both live near our 3 kids - and I see him on holidays and various other occasions. We would have been married over 60 years this year, and the pain still stings. Thanks for listening.
Barb

Hello,
I’ve been divorced now for almost 14 yrs. Best decision I could have made for myself. I too was beaten down emotionally with his narcissism and after 20 yrs of marriage I had had enough. My children have suffered the most because he left them completely and they have no relationship now. I never see him and thank God because it would not be good. I’m at peace with being happy without him and my children now grown have learned to deal with the reality. However, I’m glad you all can spend time together as a family during the holidays and special events but the boundaries are in place which is necessary and help with the healing. Obviously you loved him deeply or it wouldn’t still hurt so much. But from your story it sounds like you have fabulous friends which makes a good support group. Just know in your heart you are enough, you are amazing, you are strong and you do not need a man to define who you are. Walk tall and proud and hold your head high. Have confidence in yourself that you made the right decision for a better healthier happier you. I know we don’t know each other and I could never understand exactly what you’re going through because I’m not you, but after reading your story I can relate enough to know that you made the right decision. God bless you