1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Is it always a good idea to not contradict a person with dementia?

Posted by bclane @bclane, Jan 26 10:29am

I recently saw a list of the three "golden rules of dementia care." They are:
1. Don’t ask direct questions.
2. Listen and learn from the person living with dementia.
3. Don’t contradict.
I have no objection to the second one, but I'm curious how others are handling the other two. I can see following all three when a person is in later stage dementia, but what about the early to mid-stages when there are times of clarity?

I guess I'm putting myself in their place, which may not be a good way to judge. But I would feel patronized if I said something that wasn't so and no one told me, then later I had a moment when I realized it wasn't so. Not to mention it's really hard for me not to correct something my husband says that's inaccurate and it's hard for me not to ask him if he remembers a particular thing, especially since sometimes he does. And when he doesn't, I explain it to him, and he seems okay with it. Other times something comes up and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. An example is that he can't remember who some of our neighbors are, and when their names are mentioned, he questions it. I explain who they are and where they live. He never seems offended or upset when I do.

I tend to talk to him as the adult he is and not as if he's a particularly slow child, which is what rules 1 and 3 make me think of. Now, as things progress, those rules might apply more. And I could see those rules being applicable if the person with dementia got really upset when asked if they remember something or if they're corrected. My husband doesn't get upset, so I know I'm lucky in that respect.

I'd love to hear how others are handling the early and mid-stages with this.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

pamela78 | @pamela78 | Feb 13 11:47am
In reply to @judimahoney "Hope you get some answers at the neurologist. We are awaiting results of year 2 follow..." + (show)
@judimahoney

Hope you get some answers at the neurologist. We are awaiting results of year 2 follow up testing. My husband is not in denial, he just doesn't realize he has issues.
Perhaps if the diagnosis comes from someone your husband trusts, maybe that will make a difference (not that he doesn't trust you, you are just too close to the situation).
Hugs to you.

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Do you talk to your husband about this? I want to at least be able to talk about it but I'm hesitant. He's so focused on how our relationship has changed but we're not ever going to be the way we were. I feel for him but I can't be what I used to be any more than he can. I'd like to be able to face this together but as it is we seem to be operating on two different planes. He asks me to do more and more for him--spell words, provide words when he forgets, etc.--yet he doesn't think there's anything wrong. At least that's what he says. How could he not know?

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2 replies
judimahoney | @judimahoney | Feb 13 12:56pm
In reply to @pamela78 "Do you talk to your husband about this? I want to at least be able to..." + (show)
@pamela78

Do you talk to your husband about this? I want to at least be able to talk about it but I'm hesitant. He's so focused on how our relationship has changed but we're not ever going to be the way we were. I feel for him but I can't be what I used to be any more than he can. I'd like to be able to face this together but as it is we seem to be operating on two different planes. He asks me to do more and more for him--spell words, provide words when he forgets, etc.--yet he doesn't think there's anything wrong. At least that's what he says. How could he not know?

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Hi Pamela:
Sometimes I talk to my husband about his condition. It does seem incredulous that my husband has no idea that he has issues, but that's the case with anosognosia, no self-awareness.
We both lament the change in our relationship, me more so than him because of his lack of awareness.
All the best to you. 🫂

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mtdt757 | @mtdt757 | Feb 14 3:05pm
In reply to @pamela78 "I don't know what stage my husband has reached, but his decline is more and more..." + (show)
@pamela78

I don't know what stage my husband has reached, but his decline is more and more noticeable. I'd say he started showing signs of impairment three or four years ago. He still functions quite well, drives to familiar places, helps around the house, and is generally mostly cheerful. He as an appointment with a neurologist tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect because hubs doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. If he's not happy, he threatens never to return to the neurologist. He's been diagnosed by our primary-care physician, so this is a follow up to that. The biggest problem I face at the moment is getting him to acknowledge what's happening. He's in denial, despite the many, many instances of his losses, and I hesitate to spell things out for him. Perhaps the neuro. will do that. Getting this out in the open would help me but I don't want to distress him. When he was not so obviously struggling, I could overlook things and wonder if I was exaggerating, but friends see what's going on, as does our doctor. I'm at a loss.

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This forum is so helpful when we have questions or just want to vent. The responses let me know there are many people in my situation out there. If you are truly struggling or are depressed reach out to other support groups. I am blessed that I don't get depressed or overly upset. I wake up every morning blessed that my Hunny of 46 years is still with me. Please be kind and comforting. They did not ask for this disease. HUGS!!

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mtdt757 | @mtdt757 | Feb 14 3:12pm
In reply to @pamela78 "Do you talk to your husband about this? I want to at least be able to..." + (show)
@pamela78

Do you talk to your husband about this? I want to at least be able to talk about it but I'm hesitant. He's so focused on how our relationship has changed but we're not ever going to be the way we were. I feel for him but I can't be what I used to be any more than he can. I'd like to be able to face this together but as it is we seem to be operating on two different planes. He asks me to do more and more for him--spell words, provide words when he forgets, etc.--yet he doesn't think there's anything wrong. At least that's what he says. How could he not know?

Jump to this post

I have conversations all the time with my husband. He is aware of his situation and not happy about it, His father and brother went thru this. I am his source of comfort and letting him know we will get through this. We have no children to help with this. He actually bought me a Valentines Day card saying he can't find his keys .. how much I support him. We actually laugh about his memory. Hugs to anyone going thru this

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1 reply
pamela78 | @pamela78 | Feb 14 4:02pm
In reply to @mtdt757 "I have conversations all the time with my husband. He is aware of his situation and..." + (show)
@mtdt757

I have conversations all the time with my husband. He is aware of his situation and not happy about it, His father and brother went thru this. I am his source of comfort and letting him know we will get through this. We have no children to help with this. He actually bought me a Valentines Day card saying he can't find his keys .. how much I support him. We actually laugh about his memory. Hugs to anyone going thru this

Jump to this post

I want to comfort my husband and reassure him, but he doesn't realize why he needs comforting. Still, kindness and patience are the best we've got to offer. Kindness is easy, patience is a bit harder I find.

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