1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Convincing someone with dementia they need to move to assisted living

Posted by kdub1 @kdub1, Jan 30 4:50pm

Hi, my mom is 74 years old and has moderately severe multi infarct dementia. She lives alone with her two little dogs. In the past few months, she has declined and I fear she is not safe to live by herself anymore, but, she is also verbally aggressive and mean. She has told me she will not go to an "old folks" home. I have explained how great an assisted living can be - consistent homemade meals, help with medicine, help with technology etc. Her dogs are her family members and she won't leave them. I've considered trying to find a place that accepts a dog or two, but, she is unable to care for them. Her doctors, both primary and neurologist agree that she needs an assisted living but she won't listen to them either. I have POA but the assisted livings I've spoken to make it sound like they only take willing patients. I don't know what to do or how to keep my mom safe.

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gail60 | @gail60 | Feb 3 9:13am
In reply to @bayviewgal "@kdub1 I'm in the process of placing my 64 yo husband into a dementia care facility..." + (show)
@bayviewgal

@kdub1 I'm in the process of placing my 64 yo husband into a dementia care facility and hoping he won't be too resistant (fingers crossed). I haven't brought the subject up....yet....because until its a definite and everything is a go, i don't want him to worry about it. Altho, I'm sure he won't remember if I tell him. I tend NOT to tell him too far in advance about anything we're doing outside the house because he won't remember or he'll constantly keep asking me the same questions. He's pretty good about just going with the flow 🙂 I've been playing the scenario in my head how I'm going to tell him and I've decided to tell him that I need help to take care of him and that these nice people will do that for us. And because he doesn't understand the length of time anymore (as in minutes. hours, days, etc), i'm gonna let him know that i'll be back shortly and check on him shortly. Which is what I tell him already when he's laying down to take a nap and he always says "ok" 🙂 So I'm hoping that will work the day I have to leave him there.
I hope you find help for your situation and that you can rest easy. Can you move your mom in with you and get some in-home care?
Hugs and prayers to you

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@bayviewgal My guy is 63 and we are in the same spot. I plan on telling him a therapeutic fib that my sister needs me and I have to go to her, plus I've found a great furnished apartment for him to stay at while I get her settled...in reality it's a locked unit in a Memory Care facility...pray for us!
Question: are you in the private Facebook group for female caregivers of EOAD spouses/partners?

REPLY
bayviewgal | @bayviewgal | Feb 3 7:57pm

@gail60 sounds like you have the right idea about what to tell your guy. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that he accepts it and does well. In answer to your question..... No, I, not in a private FB group for caregivers. I'm not on FB much and i feel safer posting things here and going to my in-person support groups. Question for you...what is EOAD spouses/partners?

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1 reply
gail60 | @gail60 | Feb 4 7:08am
In reply to @bayviewgal "@gail60 sounds like you have the right idea about what to tell your guy. I'll keep..." + (show)
@bayviewgal

@gail60 sounds like you have the right idea about what to tell your guy. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that he accepts it and does well. In answer to your question..... No, I, not in a private FB group for caregivers. I'm not on FB much and i feel safer posting things here and going to my in-person support groups. Question for you...what is EOAD spouses/partners?

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The group is specifically for wives and life partners of people living with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease (EOAD).

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boppi | @boppi | Feb 4 7:47am

Have you considered hiring someone to care for her at home? Find the hours of care that work best and you can afford but the right person could care for the dogs as well as her and be a companion which may make her not so mean. I had to stay two weeks in a mobile care facility before I could fly home after suffering a heart attack and it was the worst experience of my life mentally. I would just as soon die before going into a home again…and would be terribly upset not to have my pets. Maybe start with someone 4 hours a day then expand the time as needed who could even take her places and get her out for lunch, a movie, shopping and enjoy what life she has left.

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deniseheart | @deniseheart | Feb 5 9:28am

I just went through this. Very difficult. My heart goes out to you and anyone who needs to do this.

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turtle4115 | @turtle4115 | Feb 5 1:45pm
In reply to @bayviewgal "@kdub1 I'm in the process of placing my 64 yo husband into a dementia care facility..." + (show)
@bayviewgal

@kdub1 I'm in the process of placing my 64 yo husband into a dementia care facility and hoping he won't be too resistant (fingers crossed). I haven't brought the subject up....yet....because until its a definite and everything is a go, i don't want him to worry about it. Altho, I'm sure he won't remember if I tell him. I tend NOT to tell him too far in advance about anything we're doing outside the house because he won't remember or he'll constantly keep asking me the same questions. He's pretty good about just going with the flow 🙂 I've been playing the scenario in my head how I'm going to tell him and I've decided to tell him that I need help to take care of him and that these nice people will do that for us. And because he doesn't understand the length of time anymore (as in minutes. hours, days, etc), i'm gonna let him know that i'll be back shortly and check on him shortly. Which is what I tell him already when he's laying down to take a nap and he always says "ok" 🙂 So I'm hoping that will work the day I have to leave him there.
I hope you find help for your situation and that you can rest easy. Can you move your mom in with you and get some in-home care?
Hugs and prayers to you

Jump to this post

My husband of 52 years has Lewy Body Dementia. We moved to a Continuing Care Retirement Community six years ago as an independent couple. He was with me until a year ago when he moved to Assisted Living. I told him I needed help with his care. The worst of the move was the loss for both of us. Even though I visited him every day it took about four months to adjust to the separation. This past December I moved him to nursing care. I guess I just want you to be prepared for the emotional loss that you will feel even though it will also be a relief.

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1 reply
turtle4115 | @turtle4115 | Feb 5 1:49pm

Visit the facilities and make arrangements at the ones you like and think your mother might enjoy. Then take to lunch at the facility. Tell her its an over 55 apartment complex after you have lunch and see if she'll agree to just look around. It's worth a try.

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1 reply
kdub1 | @kdub1 | Feb 5 2:31pm
In reply to @turtle4115 "My husband of 52 years has Lewy Body Dementia. We moved to a Continuing Care Retirement..." + (show)
@turtle4115

My husband of 52 years has Lewy Body Dementia. We moved to a Continuing Care Retirement Community six years ago as an independent couple. He was with me until a year ago when he moved to Assisted Living. I told him I needed help with his care. The worst of the move was the loss for both of us. Even though I visited him every day it took about four months to adjust to the separation. This past December I moved him to nursing care. I guess I just want you to be prepared for the emotional loss that you will feel even though it will also be a relief.

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Thank you. This makes sense but I wouldn't have thought of it.

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kdub1 | @kdub1 | Feb 5 2:32pm
In reply to @turtle4115 "Visit the facilities and make arrangements at the ones you like and think your mother might..." + (show)
@turtle4115

Visit the facilities and make arrangements at the ones you like and think your mother might enjoy. Then take to lunch at the facility. Tell her its an over 55 apartment complex after you have lunch and see if she'll agree to just look around. It's worth a try.

Jump to this post

I will try this. Thank you.

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1 reply
turtle4115 | @turtle4115 | Feb 5 3:26pm
In reply to @kdub1 "I will try this. Thank you." + (show)
@kdub1

I will try this. Thank you.

Jump to this post

Good luck!

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