How do you handle time management and calendar?

Posted by maryvc @maryvc, 4 days ago

My husband has progressing MCI and has no time management skills. He is done with the clock on any tests. I keep our calendar and a white board for the day on the frig.
Early on I bought him a large calendar and he still got confused and anxious.
I totally schedule our life and use my phone calendar and a paper calendar.
What do others do for their spouse to keep them organized? And to reduce anxiety?
He also wakes up in the middle of the night to get ready if he has something the next day.,
I try not telling him til the day of, but he does like to be in on plans.

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My fridge is a jumble of pictures and our travel magnets which now make me realize it could be confusing for him. Love the idea of family names!

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Amazon has a clock with a digital rectangular face which has the date at the top, the time in the middle in larger numbers, and the “portion” of the day- morning, afternoon, and evening. It was a BIG help keeping him oriented when he would become anxious. It was the last thing “to go” after he could no longer make sense of signs (“turn faucets off”, “shut fridge door”, etc.)
Funny, not funny: I woke up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, I could hear rushing water coming from the kitchen, here the kitchen faucet was on full blast). In the morning, talked to hubby, taped a sign on the spigot, few days later, came in from a walk, hot water faucet on full blast- clouds of steam. Talked to hubby, went to the local plumbing supply, they ordered a faucet set meant for families with children- the faucet turns itself off after being on 2 minutes. Set installed, problem solved, BUT I called the Water Authority, bill coming soon is over $1,000- the lady noted our drastically increased water usage and asked if we had a swimming pool. 😩😩

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My husband never seems concerned about what we might be supposed to do today or tomorrow, but he does frequently look at his phone or TV box to see the time. He reads it out loud, and often just a few minutes later, will do so again. This seems to be mostly an evening thing, although he does it a little during the day. As for doc appts., I've learned it's best not to mention them until the morning of because sometimes he decides there's no reason to go or he doesn't remember it anyway. He loves to eat out, so telling him we'll stop at a restaurant he likes is a way of getting him to the appt.

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I wish I could go back in time! When my husband's dr. told us he had MCI, I wish I would have started all these little strategies and tips and maybe it wouldn't be so much of a struggle for me to help him help himself...if that makes sense. But maybe like a lot of you, I was in denial.... that it could get worse over time a SHORT amount of time for us. I knew it was going to be tough to watch his memory fade but not THIS tough because not only memory loss and cognitive disabilities but he also suffers from aphasia. Tom was diagnosed with MCI in 2020 and was told about a year later he has ALZ caused by dementia. We are a fairly young couple....he's now 64 and i'm 60... and never known anyone with this awful disease. We got a wonderful handbook from the brain clinic he goes to and when i was reading it I thought I would find answers to all my questions, and I was so off the mark, cuz there are no answers as to why and when these symptoms will appear and how to "cut and dry" fix them ( and I don't mean a cure). The hardest struggle for me, is how fast his dementia has progressed. I never in a million years thought I would be in the process of placing him in a memory care facility this early in the disease ( 4 years). Neither of us had kids in our previous marriages, so the only help we get from family is moral help and SOME actual physical help. So I'm pretty much on my own with this, and I need more help. No one has really ever said "let me do_____ for you". No one has ever offered respite for me. i would LOVE to just get out and do what i want to do, not always what i HAVE to do. I guess what hurts the most, is that I have to ask..no one is offering. His behaviors have changes... verbally and sometimes physically aggressive, erratic mood changes at the drop of a hat, etc and have realized it's time to get him the much needed care I can't give him anymore. It breaks my heart but I have to do what's best for him! I feel like I've kept him isolated from a lot of things like his friends because of his behaviors and aggressive and erratic mood changes, so placing him in a facility with others of the like, he'll make new friends that are similar to him and that makes my heart happy!!

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@crankyyankee

I did the whiteboard calendar thing and gave him index cards every morning to prepare him for upcoming events. Experience has taught me that for him, the big calendar only caused anxiety. I find that on the day of an event (med appt, guests, etc) I just, as casually as possible, say that X is happening todayand here's what we need to do to prepare He has never said 'why didn't you tell me that yesterday' because sadly he has no yesterday. Try the daily index card (day of the week, date, year and the day's 'agenda'.) It helped my sanity and made him feel like he's still "in the loop".

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We,too use the daily index cards. One one side is the hourly schedule; on the other you can write reminders etc. He has always liked using index cards, and these do help, with them being preprinted for day and date.

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@bayviewgal

I wish I could go back in time! When my husband's dr. told us he had MCI, I wish I would have started all these little strategies and tips and maybe it wouldn't be so much of a struggle for me to help him help himself...if that makes sense. But maybe like a lot of you, I was in denial.... that it could get worse over time a SHORT amount of time for us. I knew it was going to be tough to watch his memory fade but not THIS tough because not only memory loss and cognitive disabilities but he also suffers from aphasia. Tom was diagnosed with MCI in 2020 and was told about a year later he has ALZ caused by dementia. We are a fairly young couple....he's now 64 and i'm 60... and never known anyone with this awful disease. We got a wonderful handbook from the brain clinic he goes to and when i was reading it I thought I would find answers to all my questions, and I was so off the mark, cuz there are no answers as to why and when these symptoms will appear and how to "cut and dry" fix them ( and I don't mean a cure). The hardest struggle for me, is how fast his dementia has progressed. I never in a million years thought I would be in the process of placing him in a memory care facility this early in the disease ( 4 years). Neither of us had kids in our previous marriages, so the only help we get from family is moral help and SOME actual physical help. So I'm pretty much on my own with this, and I need more help. No one has really ever said "let me do_____ for you". No one has ever offered respite for me. i would LOVE to just get out and do what i want to do, not always what i HAVE to do. I guess what hurts the most, is that I have to ask..no one is offering. His behaviors have changes... verbally and sometimes physically aggressive, erratic mood changes at the drop of a hat, etc and have realized it's time to get him the much needed care I can't give him anymore. It breaks my heart but I have to do what's best for him! I feel like I've kept him isolated from a lot of things like his friends because of his behaviors and aggressive and erratic mood changes, so placing him in a facility with others of the like, he'll make new friends that are similar to him and that makes my heart happy!!

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If it’s any solace, I too had to place my hubby in a facility when aggressive and explosive behaviors started. It has turned out to be the best thing I could have done for him.
He has done amazingly well with the structure of the facility- “time for bed, time to get up, here is your meal, here are your meds, time to take a shower….” He loves “teasing” with the female staff and “bro talk” with the male staff. He has a group of guy friends- they sit together and laugh. He wheeled his way to two guys wearing Navy ball caps and sits with them too. He is a lot happier and healthier than he was at home. In three years, he has had one aggressive outburst, was easily calmed by a staff person. At home, it was daily.
At home, he was staying up till all hours, refusing the meals I would make, protective of handling his meds while getting them mixed up, refusing to shower, sleeping in his clothes and refusing to change, and he got into the “you’re not the boss of me” mode whenever I tried to address any of it. Then he left in the middle of the night and ended up in the kitchen of neighbors who had left their back door unlocked. You can imagine the commotion that caused.
I think you’ll be surprised at how your husband does in AL. I think an element of “appropriate behavior in public” is deeply embedded in the brain, from social training begun in early childhood and continued through life. You can’t scream at your boss and expect to have a job, but you can scream at your wife and kids or kick the dog.

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Thank you for this post. That is our plan but I was hoping my husband would be ok with me and additional caregivers in our home and then independent living apt. until at least 2027. In 2026 we are moving to new apts that are part of a full CCRC - we actually are considered residents now. The intention is for him to move into Memory Care and I would be in the apt 1/2 mile away.
After reading your post I’m thinking it may all happen sooner. Being the 24/7 caregiver, watch dog, financial and security administrator, nurse, therapist, safety officer and more I am exhausted and losing my ability to live, love and be patient.
I think eventually he will do better without me as all of that and instead being his wife, his love and daily companion where we look forward to seeing each other.
Thank you for posting a positive outlook on long term care.

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