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How do you let go of a toxic family member?
I recently visited my family for the holidays and stayed with my sister for nine days. My sister has always been my best friend. There for me and took care of me since I was an infant as my mother was absent. On the first day, on the way to her house from the airport, she told me that she has a very rare blood cancer for which there is no treatment. She could die in two weeks or twenty years. No one knows. I decided right then and there that I would do everything I could to be there for her and that I would do everything she wanted to do during my visit. (Unlike visits in the past when I was so depressed I didn’t want to do anything).
But she had other ideas. She spent the entire nine days being mean and cruel to me and bullying me about any and every interaction we had or that I had with other people. From hating the smell of my toothpaste to the way I spoke to my mother. Nothing I could do was ever right. She accused me of calling her stupid at least five times a day. She called me passive aggressive and said that I mumble. None of that was true. She’s the smartest person I know. I’m a loving and kind woman and mostly people say that I talk too loud because I’m partially deaf. No need to elaborate, you get the picture.
I realize that she is probably sad and angry about a lot of things. I know she is capable of loving kindness because I watched her treat her husband that way the entire time. She’s always been a bully and capable of being mean and cruel but it was rarely directed at me.
So the point of this massive rambling is how to let her go. I was abused and bullied by the rest of my family for my entire life. I’ve learned that I don’t have to tolerate abuse. I tried to talk to her but she continued the abuse and refused to acknowledge that she was behaving in any way that was abnormal or inappropriate.
I know that everyone dies sometime, and that absolutely nothing excuses abusive behavior. At least that’s what I believe. So I have to let her go. I have to distance myself from her to avoid having my self esteem go down the toilet like it did when I was visiting.
It’s breaking my heart. I can’t even face it without feeling as though I’ll break down and never recover. I need help and support. I have some people who do that as well as they can, but no one who truly understands. I’m reaching out to all of you in the hope that someone out there has experienced something similar and has a little advice about any of it.
Thanks for listening.
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It semes hard, but it is actually very simple. You just stop all contact with her. No explanation needed. I am sorry you are faced with this. Setting firm boundaries or going no contact is always very hard. You could also try "gray rocking" her. Basically, conversations are straight and to the point and only when absolutely necessary.
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2 Reactions@meryw I am sorry you are going through this. I do not know my view is relates to your situation, but here it goes.
Two years ago, I went through a bout with survivor's guilt. This was when I was in a cardiac rehabilitation program and doing quite well, but others were struggling. I used to feel this was "unfair." I used to pray to God to take their suffering away...to trade my good fortune for theirs. I did not feel worthy of a full recovery. I felt a sense of shame as if my success was at their expense. It took me a while to move past it, and to this day I tend to be hypersensitive around cardiac patients.
The reason your post resonated with me, I wonder if your sister is feeling life is not fair. She took care of you and was a great sister to you, but now she has this devastating diagnosis. I am not saying what she did is ok, and I think you need to give her some space. People do not always act rational even when they are aware of it.
There is a caregive support group here in Mayo Connect (at least I think there is). You may want to look into it.
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5 ReactionsI am so very sorry, for all your hurt! I would start writing down all the times you were hurt! Do you believe in God? I like to analyze and talk my way through everything’s! Why they did what they did? Was it done knowing I would be hurt? Was it done to gain power over me? was it for a little high, or to hurt me on purpose ? Then how and why did I react? For a while I watch them react to my different reactions! All of this helped me to understand all my questions! Once I thought I understood, I had a better idea of what I had to do! I kept my notes so when I felt bad about my decision I would look back at all my notes! ! To once again feel good about what I decided! I included some texts, comments, phone calls! I even posted some of there horrible comments on my refrigerator I was not going to fail! Every time I have I thought I couldn’t do it, I would repeat in my head do not let them win! You want and need a better life!
I can be there for you anytime!,
The decision is clear. The problem I have experienced is grief. I am basically no contact with my father. His number is blocked but emails are ok. So far. He questions me over and over. Has to other family members too some of whom are dead. He asked for another chance said he could do better. I said no. My healing is in my hands not his.
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4 ReactionsYes, and tell yourself I want to be healthy! Without him in my life I will be healthy again!
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1 ReactionIt’s sounds also like your scare to leave your family? It’s scary!, I needed to get healthy!! I feel better than I have ever felt! I have more friends! I do things with confidence! I have a better personality! I feel free! You will be a better you!
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3 ReactionsIt’s isn’t easy to say no to your dad! They get mad or hurt and the guilt is horrible! I didn’t say it like it was permanent! I told my family I needed a break! One sister had to know how long! I told them I would text them! Then I blocked them all! It’s really ok to do this for yourself! I felt horrible too! It took time to get over that too! But soon you realize it’s still better than before! It’s a new pain! But the new pain does go away! If this helps! We can keep talking?
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1 ReactionI know that when you are abused verbally mentally physically spiritually and sexually you become capable of several things. In my case letting go has been my lifeline.
When I feel a bit bad for them being ill or grieving something, a line that a therapist gave me is my go to thought “don’t kick up the dust”.
It can seem so wrong in your heart because being a caring person it contradicts your natural tendency to “fix everything “.
Know that being a caring person means first and foremost caring for yourself.
How you navigate this in the next years is so totally up to you and nobody else. Nothing you do is ‘wrong’ or ‘right’, it is what you give yourself permission to do at any given time.
Think of yourself first and then navigate any response to your situation. Advice is always a good idea from trusted ones, advice from deep within is the ultimate though.
In my case, which is unique and not your case, was to let this person die without any contact allowed for many years.
If this next sentence is comforting or disturbing I cannot control that for you or anyone.
I have zero regrets, zero.
After her passing I only had anger, for all the hateful words and actions. I had nothing but gratitude that I stood up for myself for all these quiet years.
Your journey will be different from mine. Mine was only right for me and me alone.
Be confident that you will give the greatest care to yourself first and then decide how to care for others.
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1 ReactionMy husband said to me when we first got married 35 years ago.... how long are you going to let your family do this to you..... So it was then i decided .... "this is my life too" and let go because my mental health isn't worth the grief they were giving me.
Hi. I have the opposite issue but that doesn't matter. There is only one way to decide for me. I say " self, you can deal with this, or you can deal with that. Who do you want to be?"
Notice I didn't say "who are you "? If I say that I won't take the difficult path. I'll tell you a little about me. I started running away and getting in trouble when I was 13. By 15, nobody came looking for me except the police. I will say that during that time until now, and I'm close to 60, my family forgot about me. Then my half/dad died and my mom move clear across the United States and lives less than a mile away. And she acts like everything is fine.
Do you have any advice for me on letting her in without feeling angry? We'll trade.
Good luck and it sounds like you will have to be strong