Enough - This is going to be fixed!

Want to make one comment. Our Doc. has an early day tomorrow, so he said he would stay after his scheduled appointments to do this for H because he is concerned about both him and me. That is great because the older SD is in Cal, a 3 hr. time difference.

This itself makes me feel better.

I have been very busy with talking to lawyers, the doc., the daughter AND putting up with the normal H hacking, etc. today.
Now, I am going to take a nap. I am EXHAUSTED! Heaven help any one that wakes me up LOL!

@kartwk I am happy to hear that you are being proactive! When people tell you "the first step is the hardest", I will kindly disagree - keeping your courage and determination to take action is harder. I am glad you will have help on hand, in the form of his daughter, though it would be wonderful if she was in the room to observe his demeanor. Please be sure to make a point of his non-compliance with medication routines - even to the point of bringing a bagful of the meds he has stopped taking! Also, try to get the doctor to furnish his opinion of your husband's status and condition in writing to give to the elder law attorney; that way he knows in medical terms what is happening.

From what you have told us these past months, I really believe that your husband is demonstrating many characteristics of Cognitive Impairment, and that it is becoming more than one person can handle. You are most likely beyond the reach of any counseling for him, but at some point you need some for YOU to heal when this is resolved. Outsiders, especially those familiar with CI, will probably tell you NOW is the time you need help. Please listen.

At one of your attorney visits, you need to bring your husband so he can observe the behaviors you have described. Any challenging questions or "hot buttons" your husband has will quickly reveal his real self - so make sure it is not just a "meet and greet" where he plays nice for 30 minutes, then explodes at you in the car. Maybe a time to update some documents or add some new ones. If there is anything to sign it would be helpful if you had to sign something as well - just so he doesn't feel he is being ambushed or ganged up on.

It has been many years since we dealt with this first hand with family members, but reading what you are living brings tears to my eyes.

I am glad you will have help on hand, in the form of his daughter, though it would be wonderful if she was in the room to observe his demeanor. I have a question - do you think you or she might find a way record the visit, so when husband argues, you can play the doctors words back?

I am sending hugs for courage to see this through and reclaim yourself. It will not be easy, but if you have peace in the end, will be worth it.

Thanks.
This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons you cited above. I told the Doc., when we talked that if insurance didn't cover it and the time, I would personally. He said not to worry about it. Gawd, I hated crying while talking to him.

I plan on using my phone to record and there will be a medical record.

I mean, I have to get the house clean in the manner I like to keep it. An unkept house is just depressing me more. Things need to be cleaned with more than just plain water.

I am ready with my documentation of H and his strange way of dealing with the chicken bones after we have chicken. They can't go into the garbage like pork chop bones, beef bones, spareribs and yes, even turkey bones; they HAVE to be put in aluminum foil and then in a plastic Ziplock bag and in the refrigerator (not the freezer, but the refrig.) until garbage day. Why all this, you ask? He claims they stink and that even if you put them in the outside garbage can they still stink. But the other scarps no such problem. I am not even going to tell you about empty gallon milk jugs because it just depresses me daily.

He is not going to be happy as he likes to deny these things when I bring them up in past.

I am making my list and checking it twice, but sadly not for Christmas - LOL. Going to go over the points with his daughter later tonight. She is aware because I have talked to her about them before but it has gotten worse. She really can't contribute anything, but her being there will hopefully make his listen as he is proud of her and her nursing profession. Explain that no one is ganging up on him.

I am also very, very nervous.

Best of luck with everything. I hope the doctor and daughter will obtain useful information. Hopefully, you will be able to know more. I would be prepared for no change with husband though. If it is cognitive, there is a disconnect that no words from a doctor or family member is inclined to change. And, if they do, they forget and later it’s like it never happened. Good idea to have the recording, but it still may be denied. Not trying to be negative, just pragmatic. I’ll look forward to reading what happens. Will this enable you to get some help?

@kartwk YOU are doing a great job !!! Don’t let yourself doubt yourself! You can do this!! When I had to counsel a nurse, I would write it out first so I wouldn’t forget important things. When I told my son, an army officer who had 100+ soldiers answering to him, he suggested that I do something good for myself right after the meeting. His suggestion was to have a candy bar!
Just do something for yourself!!

I didn't realize there are two posts going on! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, kartwk! I just read these posts after sending a reply to the other one. You are acting and in a very reasonable manner--a great idea to have his daughter involved. Best wishes, love and courage, Carrie

Well, it didn't go as well as I had hoped. H. claims nothing wrong with him, he doesn't want any tests. Even his daughter couldn't reason with him.

At least I did get to vent with the Doc and Daughter listening and he had to listen.

H did pass that little test they give where they give you something to remember and then have you count. Then the Doc asks what the thing was.

My H is a stubborn man.

Fortunately my daughter is going to be here for 2 full weeks for the holidays so I will get some reprieve.

Daughter was here, holidays over and, well, the Doc. apt. may not have gone well but SHE sure straightened things out.

The constant hacking and checking phlegm stopped as she always asked him if there was anything wrong. Don't know why her asking bothered him, but then he was doing it constantly and publicly (yuck). He had to pick up his own tissues not leave them laying around because he was "dying".

She started ordering groceries on the Kroger site for delivery and it worked out excellently! He wouldn't do it or let me order that way because he didn't trust them or some other excuse (he had so many I forget all of them) and it always ended in a big fight. Makes it much easier for me as I don't have to haul a lot when I do go shopping for mainly meat and frozen things like ice cream. Yeah daughter!!

But, best of all was when she and grandkids decided to take me down to Louisville for 2 days. He was invited, but as usual grumpily declined hoping I would say No. The thing was what to do with him as leaving him alone is not an option for me. Daughter called his daughter and gave her some dates we were going but she was "too busy" as usual. Daughter even told her that if he couldn't stay with her for 2 days he would have to go into a respite care center. Stepdaughter couldn't care less. Let me make this clear, it wasn't a matter that his daughter was out of town or some such thing, her husband was off between Christmas and New Years, and they didn't want to be bothered!

My daughter had the stepdaughter on speaker so H. could hear the conversation so there was no misunderstanding. He overheard everything.

While he gave me a hard time about it, he shut his mouth in front of my Daughter. She made the arrangements for him. Needless to say he was grumpy after that but I sure was looking forward to getting out.

He wasn't happy when we picked him up from respite; but I had a good time and much needed to laugh, swim at the hotel pool, shopping, take in an antique show, movie, meals out. YEAH!!

Daughter said she had a good talk with him about how she knows and understands he is failing and that is part of life. That I am standing by him as caretaker, but I must have help, breaks and he can't keep harping on me about everything. That she will be checking on my mental and physical health. Told him if I get sick he will end up in a nursing home etc.

Folks, one of the best things was that he aways take food, plates, cups etc. but never brings them back to kitchen or makes a big mess for me in bathroom with towels etc. Boy, she called him to task on that. Told him that, hobbling and having issues is tough, but if he can throw his towel on the sink or leave it on the floor for me to pickup, he can hang it up BEFORE he leaves the bathroom. I can tell you he was glad to see her leave.

He is still grumpy, etc., and I leave him alone and go read, out for lunch, to the library even though that is difficult for me with my leg issues. Let's see how long it lasts.

I want to also say that she noticed the cognizant decline. That she would say something to him and he would get a blank look in his eyes and she would have to explain it in simpler terms. She also thought that he was, at times, aware of this because it seemed he would get mad, or sullen. She pointed this out to me so that I could prepare myself when it happened - like a lashing out at her when he wasn't grasping things.

She and I are working on the housekeeping help. H is fanatic about having strangers come in, he is afraid they are going to steal things and other fears. But I can't do it all by myself and he can't do a lot either. He is still delusional that his daughter is going to help us out. THAT, from her attitude, isn't going to happen. Once she found out about the will, she is G-O-N-E. Don't bother her, she has better things to do. Sad, very sad.