1. < Men's Health

Sexless Marriage (when one partner is ill)

Posted by Native Floridian @nativefloridian, Oct 15, 2011

Anyone out there think that this is a good idea? Some people are just too ill to have sex and if they are married, obviously their mates suffer. What do you think? Are there solutions to this problem or is it such a hush-hush topic that nobody wants to discuss it. I'd sure like to know whether or not a long term sexless marriage exists and if it can be a happy one.

Thanks for considering my questions and feel free to anonymously respond, if that is your desire.

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arctic22 | @arctic22 | Jan 7 8:06am
In reply to @vkngm77 "We just aren't fans of using toys. At this time, yes, it is more me than..." + (show)
@vkngm77

We just aren't fans of using toys.
At this time, yes, it is more me than my husband feeling lost without sex. He said sometimes he does want it, but it's more a fleeting thought and doesn't turn into anything. And on the rare occasion that it does, he gets so exhausted from the effort that it's really not worth it, he wont be able ti do anything else for a long time. The past few days we have just been sitting on the
couch and snuggling, and that kind of helps anyway.

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Well you have to be open to toys .. there are so many non invasive toys out there now perhaps take a 2nd look if you have not checked into them recently.

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raydg983 | @raydg983 | Jan 7 8:10am
In reply to @arctic22 "perhaps if you are healthy enough you should consider a penile implant. If you get a..." + (show)
@arctic22

perhaps if you are healthy enough you should consider a penile implant. If you get a mallabble implant it is a fairly simple surgery and in most cases 6 weeks after you can resume sexual activity ..

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Thanks for your reply but I am ok with my current saturation

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arctic22 | @arctic22 | Jan 7 8:15am

Ok good luck on whatever works for you and your partner.

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mikeandtina | @mikeandtina | Jan 7 8:38am
In reply to @mgraas "It’s no to kissing because of the pain. The doctors haven’t figured out the cause of..." + (show)
@mgraas

It’s no to kissing because of the pain. The doctors haven’t figured out the cause of the mouth ulcers. They have done about a half dozen biopsies. Two came back as pre-cancerous. I’m not worried about the ulcers spreading. If that was a problem, I’d have gotten them already.

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I had mouth ulcers until I switched my toothpaste to one that did not contain sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS). This was many years ago and I no longer get these painful ulcers. The toothpaste I used was Rembrandt but I believe there are others -- Tom's of Maine and Burts Bees. Just be sure to check the ingredients. Best of luck to you!

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1 reply
mgraas | @mgraas | Jan 7 5:03pm
In reply to @mikeandtina "I had mouth ulcers until I switched my toothpaste to one that did not contain sodium..." + (show)
@mikeandtina

I had mouth ulcers until I switched my toothpaste to one that did not contain sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS). This was many years ago and I no longer get these painful ulcers. The toothpaste I used was Rembrandt but I believe there are others -- Tom's of Maine and Burts Bees. Just be sure to check the ingredients. Best of luck to you!

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Thanks! She’s been using Squigle toothpaste for a couple of years … since the ulcers started … which doesn’t have SLS either. It’s specifically for people with sensitive mouths and ulcers.

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mgraas | @mgraas | Jan 7 5:08pm
In reply to @arctic22 "And in 17yrs you have not found any type of compromise to the situation .. I'll..." + (show)
@arctic22

And in 17yrs you have not found any type of compromise to the situation .. I'll assume you have tried all avenues? .. What does the counselor advise? ..

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It’s hard to believe, but no. Initially, we were in couples therapy and it seemed like we were talking about it, but she wasn’t answering my questions. Eventually, she just refused to talk about it. Since then we’ve been in individual therapy.

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arctic22 | @arctic22 | Jan 7 11:10pm

do you both go to the same therapist? If not it's no wonder you have not made any progress on the situation ..

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1 reply
mgraas | @mgraas | Jan 10 1:48pm
In reply to @arctic22 "do you both go to the same therapist? If not it's no wonder you have not..." + (show)
@arctic22

do you both go to the same therapist? If not it's no wonder you have not made any progress on the situation ..

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When we were in couples therapy, it was the same therapist. We sometimes went individually and sometimes together. When you are in individual therapy, you cannot see a therapist who is also seeing a member of your family or a close friend.

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arctic22 | @arctic22 | Jan 10 2:04pm

I guess they have their reasons ..

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adeliax | @adeliax | Jan 23 8:44pm
In reply to @zia123 "This is a 10 year old post so I'm sure you've experienced a lot of changes..." + (show)
@zia123

This is a 10 year old post so I'm sure you've experienced a lot of changes during that time but I just stumbled on it. I want to comment in case it can be helpful to anyone.

My marriage went sexless in 2007 after my spouse had a radical prostatectomy, making him totally impotent. He lost all desire and rejected me.

We went to couples therapy and it helped some at the time but his rejection and lack of desire never changed..

I sucked it up and decided sex wasn't the most important thing, even though I have a very healthy libido, but now all these years later I realized I've been repressing my own needs.

It has led to more communication, a little action, but I'm getting pretty fed up. He just doesn't think about it unless I do all the work.

The sad thing is, I love him dearly. I love our life together. But now over a dozen years later living in forced celibacy, I'm depressed. Communication hasn't made a big difference.

He doesn't even effort to read, research, understand. It's pretty unfair.

We've been together over 20 years. Those who have not been through this really are clueless as to how challenging it is. It has only worked in my marriage because I agreed to live celibate with this man. Not by choice.

Physical intimacy with us is rare. Emotional intimacy is stable, I'd say. But I realized recently that this is not ok with me anymore.

I don't know what the fate of your marriage ended up being but can it survive? Sure. At what cost? I don't know.

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My partner and I haven’t had intercourse in almost five years and we’ve been together for 18. He’s had health issues for a number of years, hitting its peak with colorectal cancer around a year ago. He has endless complications and is more or less in pain somewhere all the time. Everything in your post from ‘I sucked it up’ until the end is where I am right now. I’m also angry that he made very little effort to rectify this while he was able to. There is a 22 year age gap between us and we’re not married. Did you manage to find anything that turned the tables for you in the end? I could use some light in this long dark tunnel I am facing.

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