Obsessions and Selfishness: Just need to vent

First I would like to say that venting on Mayo connect really helps. I don’t share what is happening with my friends they know some minor things but I prefer to keep anything else to myself, I know my friends mean well and they worry about me but I don’t want to spend the time I have talking about it.There is only my husband and I no family since I was born in the UK. I am sure my husband has MCL our doctor did a minor test and suggested a neurologist which after much research and finding the right one I found when I called he had just retired. Normally I can get my act together but my husband fell and broke his finger, a trip to urgent care confirmed this today and they gave him a splint and a referral to see a specialist for follow up. It has been quite a year since last year he fractured two vertebrae’s in his back. The splint has gone missing because he does not want to wear it and after constantly asking him to wear it I broke down, I said I was leaving for a while he said not without me and blocked the door. I said I hated him with tears running down my face, I was horrified to hear this out of my mouth especially when he said I will always love you and please don’t leave. OMG all I could think of is this something he will remember and what if it’s the last thing I get to say. I have tried so hard to bite my tongue and normally if I do life is bearable. Thanks for listening. 😢

This post really hit home for me. It takes enormous will to bite your tongue when you see life as you knew it slowly crumble around you, and common sense in spouse has vanished. All the frustration you experience just has to be let out, like a volcano. Normally you would feel better letting it out, but not anymore. Now when I let it out it feels like I’ve opened the gates of hell. With all the will I can possibly muster, I take a moment to respond, if at all, and redirect in a calm voice.
After trying this for the last few weeks, the waters are calmer but I feel like I am completely losing myself. There are no longer meaningful and intimate conversations. There is no humor, just flatline existence, day after day. It’s the only way to keep the peace.

I am thankful for 50 years of a loving relationship with my wife or I think the "for better or worse" would be almost unbearable. Your reflections are spot on. The giver gives up almost everything and is criticized along the way.
A bad week for me as my wife has been yelling at me and my brother in law, who has rapidly failing health, thinks I should also take care of him and his advanced parkinson wife along with my wife. And lays sobbing guilt on me as he begs.
Treating her a a child gets me in trouble sometimes, but clearly she acts like it sometimes.
Then, there a moments. My wife was very musical. Playing the church organ for 40 years. Singing solos. That all stopped 2 years ago. Yesterday, on our car ride she started singing How Great Thou Art in the car. The first I have heard her sing in two years. God does work in mysterious way....

Boy, do I hear you. This is a situation that no one understands like someone else going through it too. The best advice from professionals and social workers, in my experience, doesn't come close to what we really need. And what is that? I wish I knew, but like you, I feel the joy draining out of my life. I'm 78, my husband is 76 and not the man he was. He's repetitive to the point of madness (mine) and I don't like to go anywhere with him, including walks around the neighborhood, because he stops to tell the same stories over and over to everyone we meet. I'm glad you brought up the sex business. Like you, I have absolutely no desire and hubs. can't seem to let me alone. I've finally got him sleeping upstairs in another bed so I can get some sleep, but he's not exactly thrilled about that. It's like living with an octopus. That sounds harsh, which is why I'm glad you brought it up.

I know there are many caretakers who are dealing with the pain and frustration of watching a spouse slowly drift away. When anger is involved, it's much worse. And there's no way to know how long the sentence is; we just know it's for life. It's hard to plan or look forward to anything when you're stuck at home with the simulacrum of the person you once lived with. "Sad" doesn't begin to cover it. I've tried a support group but it hasn't been much help. This group seems much more promising. I like the anonymity and the privacy. The truth shall set you free. Courage all around.

I have worked with dementia patients and was always more concerned with the caregiver than the patient. In our community, volunteers will sit with the involved person while the caregiver leaves. We even have another volunteer who will take the caregiver out somewhere fun. There are also respite programs available depending upon the situation. It's hard to accept the fact that this is not the person you married. Like raising children, you must set limits on behavior. The brain degeneration is like going backwards in time to some extent. Every now and then clarity occurs. Emotional outburst, hypersexuality, incontinence of bowel and bladder are all difficult to manage.

Been there, done that, Try to come from love and leave your ego behind, They need to feel loved even if they don't remember who you are. Sometimes we don't know who they are.
If possible get a break. Hospice if you have it can arrange a break. If not do you have a friend, relative or neighbor who will help.
My husband was driving me crazy, but my neighbor thought he was funny, she loved him, and I got a very much needed break. Some day this will all be just a memory.

Wow i hear your pain and loneliness. I do not deal with MS but i hear your pain and will pray that you are able to find some peace if not joy during this very hard time in your lives.
For me, i was very low for years. I could not think straight about anything. Then one day i said to myself, “I must change something or I will die before my loved one does”!
Very slowly i did something new each day. It could be moving more, not watching tv so much, starting a hobby, educating myself on something new, calling someone to ask about their life, and trying to see my actions differently. I just knew I had to get off the merry-go-round i was on. I hated it!
Perhaps something in my ramblings will give you hope for tomorrow. Pat yourself on the back for being a steadfast husband.
One day at a time!

That is very good advice and I appreciate your wisdom. Thank you for sharing

Oh gosh - you are right! My neighbor always refers to my husband as “that funny guy” and she just smiles.

“
Your “ they need to feel love” really hit home. Thank you for saying that- - it helps.