1. < Just Want to Talk

At what point are you considered alone forever?

Posted by texasguy1962 @texasguy1962, Apr 24, 2024

From reading a few posts, this sounds like a place to sound off at the very least, and hopefully find some thoughts of others on a subject. I honestly just signed onto this system so forgive me if I misunderstood.

I recently turned 60. I have been divorced 20 years. My kids are grown and on their own, so it is just me and my dog. I wonder at what point do you just decide you will probably be alone until the end? I mean, I have family and my kids are only an hour away, but the majority of my time is spent home alone. I go out and do things, but just not every day. But most of those things I do alone. I meet friends for a drink or lunch every now and then, but that's not even a weekly occurrence. I am retired and don't need anything but really don't want to go back to work, so I have days between busy and nothing. But again, I don't want to do anything some days.

I know most would say I am lonely and depressed, but I don't feel like I am. (Not being a jerk but would I feel like I was if, in fact I was? I don't know). Anyway, I don't have thoughts of harm, I don't sit and wish someone would call, and honestly, I laugh at myself quite a bit. I have one really good friend (no romantic attraction at all on either side) and we talk sometimes 3 times a day on the phone while she works... I think she is bored...lol.

I have dated off and on, more off than on recently, but I get exhausted because so many women in my age range are looking for immediate marriage and I am just not sure I want to do that. I don't have a problem with a living together situation but what is the benefit to marriage at this point in life? Religious stuff aside, if I were to get married I would not change my will or my financial stuff, or anything like that, so what is the benefit in a certificate? But they want marriage and they want it now. I had a long-term friend with benefits (sorry, but it's true and neither one of us wanted anything more) but she moved across the country a couple of years ago.

I do admit I would enjoy sitting on the couch with someone in the evening and watch tv, rub their feet, and just relax. I would enjoy going places with someone, either for the day or on a road trip, going grocery shopping together, and just enjoy and live life. I would be okay with being "in love" like that again, but at this point will be happy with compatible and stable and just liking each other a lot....lol.

Is there something wrong with me or am I looking for something that doesn't exist?

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robertwills | @robertwills | Dec 27, 2024

Never. There's always a good chance, if you don't want to be alone.

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mikekennedy759 | @mikekennedy759 | Dec 27, 2024
In reply to @londonex "These are all good points. I have discovered as I have gotten older that there is..." + (show)
@londonex

These are all good points. I have discovered as I have gotten older that there is such a huge difference between loneliness and solitude. A bad marriage can spurn profound loneliness, but make one yearn for solitude. As the years have gone by, I do appreciate my ability to find quiet time for my mind to shed the stressors of the marriage gone bad.
I sometimes imagine that this is the “peace” that divorce may yield on the other side, but getting there is a huge step.
My children are grown and on their own and are fully aware of the long-standing issues between my wife and I.
I know they would understand and be happy that we are both pursuing a happier existence apart from each other. It’s not their job to be emotional referees. Nonetheless, it is somewhat traumatic to blow up the family model and architect a whole new dynamic moving forward.

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To be honest, I am last person who should give marital advice. Not that I need the answer to this, but how does your wife feel? I would not be surprised that both of you feel the same way. I would also not be surprised your children sense something as well.

I have a friend who one day told her husband she was not happy; he replied me too. They worked on their marriage and it seems to be going well from what I can tell. I have seen them together and both seem to be happy. They share their lives but also pursue their own interests.

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rashida | @rashida | Dec 28, 2024
In reply to @mikekennedy759 "To be honest, I am last person who should give marital advice. Not that I need..." + (show)
@mikekennedy759

To be honest, I am last person who should give marital advice. Not that I need the answer to this, but how does your wife feel? I would not be surprised that both of you feel the same way. I would also not be surprised your children sense something as well.

I have a friend who one day told her husband she was not happy; he replied me too. They worked on their marriage and it seems to be going well from what I can tell. I have seen them together and both seem to be happy. They share their lives but also pursue their own interests.

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@mikekennedy759 it’s great that it worked out for your friend and her husband, but I have observed that most men go into denial when approached with a problem.

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mikekennedy759 | @mikekennedy759 | Dec 28, 2024
In reply to @rashida "@mikekennedy759 it’s great that it worked out for your friend and her husband, but I have..." + (show)
@rashida

@mikekennedy759 it’s great that it worked out for your friend and her husband, but I have observed that most men go into denial when approached with a problem.

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@rashida Not to make light of your comment but ouch! As someone who denied chest pain for three months, I cannot argue that. Denial has a friend named fear...especially of the unknown.

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rashida | @rashida | Dec 28, 2024
In reply to @mikekennedy759 "@rashida Not to make light of your comment but ouch! As someone who denied chest pain..." + (show)
@mikekennedy759

@rashida Not to make light of your comment but ouch! As someone who denied chest pain for three months, I cannot argue that. Denial has a friend named fear...especially of the unknown.

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@mikekennedy759 denial also has another friend called avoidance and that is the one I was referring to. lol! Of course, women are not immune to these friends either, but I think they are more prevalent among men. 😀

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kb2014 | @kb2014 | Dec 29, 2024

I have a husband who is negative. Reads the news talks about how bad things are. I know this we all do but it leads to hopeless and despair. I have made other posts about my situation. I would rather and I do steer a conversation to the more positive side because I do not control world events and using cognitive reserve wisely is important to me. I like what you say about how you would like to spend your evenings.

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1 reply
paulawesterlund | @paulawesterlund | Dec 29, 2024
In reply to @kb2014 "I have a husband who is negative. Reads the news talks about how bad things are...." + (show)
@kb2014

I have a husband who is negative. Reads the news talks about how bad things are. I know this we all do but it leads to hopeless and despair. I have made other posts about my situation. I would rather and I do steer a conversation to the more positive side because I do not control world events and using cognitive reserve wisely is important to me. I like what you say about how you would like to spend your evenings.

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I got a good pair of earphones (I don't know if that's what they're called) and subscribed to UTube and I play music that I love. You could tell your husband you want to hear sounds that you love and request that he do his own thing while you are listening.

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rashida | @rashida | Dec 29, 2024

@paulawesterlund @kb2014 or perhaps you could retreat to another part of the house/apartment and do your own thing …?

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1 reply
paulawesterlund | @paulawesterlund | Dec 29, 2024
In reply to @rashida "@paulawesterlund @kb2014 or perhaps you could retreat to another part of the house/apartment and do your..." + (show)
@rashida

@paulawesterlund @kb2014 or perhaps you could retreat to another part of the house/apartment and do your own thing …?

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the problem would be in getting the partner to comply by willingly accepting your wishes and occupying his own separate space or going to a friends house who is equally morose.

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kb2014 | @kb2014 | Dec 29, 2024

Thank you. Am grateful for all responses. I do my own thing. He goes to bed early. I stay up later reading caring for our dogs etc. I have to work on letting this go. He takes no responsibility for his part in this.

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