1. < Just Want to Talk

Loveless marriage

Posted by londonex @londonex, Dec 26, 2024

Wife and I have grown apart over many years and feel more like house mates / strangers than a couple. Really concerned about how the accompanying isolation and hopelessness are affecting my long-term health. Anyone else in this situation and have any recommendations, other than couples therapy which doesn’t seem to work well at this juncture?
Thanks much.

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rashida | @rashida | Dec 28, 2024
In reply to @londonex "I don’t think either one of us feels we can truly be happy with each other...." + (show)
@londonex

I don’t think either one of us feels we can truly be happy with each other. It’s more a situation of convenience where the cost of a divorce and living separately is prohibitive despite the fact that we have saved our money over the years. So, we are left with Acting like icebergs under the same roof because the cost of change seems overwhelming.

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@londonex if you can find this movie on a streaming channel, watch it. It describes a situation somewhat like yours.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireproof_(film)

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raebaby | @raebaby | Dec 30, 2024

I was married for 58 years before my husband died with Parkinson's. He was also on the spectrum. What worked best was to complement the other when something went right.

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maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | Jan 1 4:55pm
In reply to @itchyd "Hi Mary Ruth! Kudos for your diligent study of the various religious books! It's always good..." + (show)
@itchyd

Hi Mary Ruth!
Kudos for your diligent study of the various
religious books! It's always good to have a variety of interpretations/opinions.
That being said, have you explored the ideas of leading agnostics and atheists? I believe it's helpful to consider Nietzche, Camus, Dawkins, Hitchens, Hawking and many others. Especially resonant are the philosophies backed up by strong scientific evidence and geometric reasoning.

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Hello Friend, okay you have made you point.
life is short death is sure, we have one life then Judgment. We each have to work out our own Salvation.♡

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maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | Jan 6 11:37am
In reply to @scottbeammeup "Do you BOTH feel this way? Is it more of a sexual problem than an emotional..." + (show)
@scottbeammeup

Do you BOTH feel this way? Is it more of a sexual problem than an emotional one? If so, can you make an arrangement where you will continue to live together to share expenses and insurance but see other people? I know several couples in open marriages with different rules for each one (some are DADT, some are "tell me everything," etc.) but they're still going strong after 20, 25 and 30 years. It's no longer the 1950s or 1960s and there are lots of different types of relationships available. Where I live no one would bat an eye at any of them.

I think a trap a lot of people fall into is expecting one person to provide EVERYTHING they need and that just doesn't happen. Also, in general, it seems women get a much worse deal out of marriage than men. For example, when I was researching the emotional aspects of having cancer I read that "a woman is six times more likely to be separated or divorced soon after a diagnosis of cancer than if a man in the relationship is the patient."

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My friend marriage is a covenant, it not every one can live with open marriage. I know of a woman she, felt her and her husband had an understanding the marriage was over she got herself another man, while the two of them were still bound in marriage, her husband shot them both dead. We never know just what a person can live with.

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maryruth7 | @maryruth7 | 6 days ago
In reply to @londonex "I don’t think either one of us feels we can truly be happy with each other...." + (show)
@londonex

I don’t think either one of us feels we can truly be happy with each other. It’s more a situation of convenience where the cost of a divorce and living separately is prohibitive despite the fact that we have saved our money over the years. So, we are left with Acting like icebergs under the same roof because the cost of change seems overwhelming.

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I know feel you, l experience living in a home with the feel of icey cold. It makes one are both avoid going in the same room they even think the other is. It's no way to live,
no easy answers. I could live every every easily just this way, being loving and kind to my spouse. eating delicious food, listening to music we once loved going about my life, dont depend on spouse to make you happy, make yourself happy.But if there is harsh word spoken, pushing, disrespect publicly or in private,
Abuse of the money or property. Me I am out of there. In these cases someone could lose their life. I would also before it go down
I would be ahead of the game I would have my own money set aside, I would get advise from a lawyer concerning my options. However with the economy, inflation it cheaper to stick it out,
The love could come back, That's the wonderful thing about life anything is possible.

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gwenrn74 | @gwenrn74 | 4 days ago
In reply to @kb2014 "I was in medicare advantage. Not a good decision. For 4 1/2 years my plan slowed..." + (show)
@kb2014

I was in medicare advantage. Not a good decision. For 4 1/2 years my plan slowed care billed me etc. I filed complaint after complaint. It worked. By the way I am the sole source of income in my marriage.

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Medicare aDvantage is the WORST, ask any hospital social worker or discharge planner, Cheap up front, then disaster !

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gwenrn74 | @gwenrn74 | 4 days ago

A couple of people here have mentioned saying thank you, a lot. This does work. My husband does this a LOT. Sometimes I think he thanks me for breathing. I was so angry at him in Sept 2024, I left for a month and suggested he read a marriage book from a Christian author. He did and I did as well. October as a little hard / rough.
Then in November his BF died, then I fell fracturing a lumbar vertebrae. We try to go for a walk or watch a movie together. He doesn't read books. He is a good person. He doesn't drink and I rarely do. I think Spring and summer will help as we both of cabin fever.
I come from a long line of married and non divorced people. Parents made it to 72 years. I know divorce costs a lot of money. It's okay to live together and to be separate at times, yet show support for one another. Ideally, it's best to age with someone...looking at my siblings etc.

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