Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

Thank you for your support.
How wonderful for you and your husband your son is "living his dream" in Hollywood and you are in constant contact with him. How I wish I could say the same!
But what is very difficult...? the distance away from him?

I have just been told by my elder son that he is seeking help for his mental health and also having a second baby on the way. I feel helpless and also giving him space to deal with it on his own way. What should I do ??

I FEEL YOUR PAIN MY SON IS 21 AND EVERYDAY IS A STRUGGLE I HAVE TO WATCH WHAT I SAY SO HE DOESNT GET UPSET BUT IM HIS MOM AND IF I KICK HIM OUT HE WONT SURVIVE HES NEVER WORKED BECAUSE HES ANTI SOCIAL DOESNT DRIVE BECAUSE AGAIN DOESNT LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE HOLIDAYS HE STAYS IN HIS ROOM FAMILY GATHERINGS STAYS HOME I WORRY FOR IF I DIE WHOS GOING TO PUT UP WITH HIM ITS A VERY SAD SITUATION AND A SCARY ONE BUT I PRAY EVERYDAY THAT GOD WILL RESCUE HIM I HAVE FAITH I HOPE THE BEST FOR YOU TOO

So very sorry to hear your son's awful, very sad situation and it's impact on you.
Yes, when our children suffer, no matter their ages, we Moms suffer even more.
I more than understand what you are going through. My son too has ostracized himself from his father's family as well as mine (we are divorced). Not to mention his many friends! The isolation is terrible but he wants it this way...it's a struggle all the time. To make it worse I am on the east coast, he is in the mid-west. So our visits are just a few a year but we do speak on the phone. Hopefully he will make it here for Christmas but he struggles to get to the airport on time, all the time, missing multiple flights (his own fault). You have heard of NAMI? If not, do investigate a local chapter near you as YOU need help to cope with your son.
Get some books on the subject...I have and they can be helpful. In fact, I am seeing a therapist for the SOLE purpose of how to deal with my 40 year old son - who completely did a 360 with his life, now over 2 1/2 years ago. I too am praying non-stop for him...but there has been very little improvement. I do have faith he will change as I do know (you do too) nothing stays the same forever in life. Good goes to bad, bad goes to good eventually - & 'round it goes. The very best to you & your son as well!

@life1, it is good that your son is seeking help. Did you see the helpful replies from @momof374 and @briarrose?

I know that feeling of being helpless and giving him his space. You want to do something. When my daughter was a teenager, I found it helpful to join a parent's group to learn I was not alone. I also read the book "Parenting a Teen Who Has Intense Emotions." There are resources and supports out there to five you tools to know what to say and when.

I realize your son is older than my daughter was when I needed support. Have you considered a parent's group counseling or talking with a therapist?

Our sons have slid down a similar pit of isolation. Their world can shrink quickly. I am afraid to sell my house that is too big for us (other children have long since moved out). It is expensive and time consuming to maintain. There are thoughts that haunt me: Where would he live and how would he survive if I sold it? He'd hate me if I gave him a timeline to get a job and look at moving out, right? What if he never speaks to me again?
My therapist said, "He'll figure it out. He'll likely sleep on a friend's couch or find a shelter. You don't give him enough credit." If I am honest with myself, I think she is right. Well, I know she is right. I learned that it is ok to say, "get therapy or find a place to live, because I am not going be your therapist, as I don't have the expertise or degree." That's when I was putting up with a lot of verbal abuse. Again, because of his fragile nature I enabled him to do so. I believe I own a percentage of his behavior, isolation, and being a victim. I have enabled him to isolate, because I have allowed it in my home. He didn't work for many months, because he didn't have to (he has all he needs under my roof so there is no consequence or motivation to survive in the outside world). He isolated from family at gatherings, because it was easier for me not to set boundaries (no yelling, embarrassing behavior, and stress if he is left to himself). Are you SURE he won't survive if you kick him out or pass away? Something to ponder. Bending the rules and erasing boundaries doesn't do any good for launching our adult children with mental health issues, we just may have to take a different approach. I suggest a therapist to guide you. I need therapy because I am scared- that parenting the way I want to will hurt my son in some way, and I couldn't live with that. I also know that enabling doesn't allow for the best quality of life for my son. Sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do in order to save them from themselves. I am not saying that I am there yet, but my son is finally working (albeit parttime). We the parents of adult children with mental illness, walk a fine line and is not easy under any circumstances. I have started praying for myself for strength to do what is necessary, in addition to GOD to rescuing him.

So sorry to hear your situation Kelly62. I more than understand and certainly get it.
First, stop blaming yourself and placing guilt on yourself. One has to be in your/my shoes to truly understand the awful & confusing circumstances loving parents (us Moms) are thrown into with our adult children develop a mental health disorder. A very difficult fine line to walk indeed. I have asked myself countless times "do I do this, or do I do that??" I, too, never want to lose my son, my only child. You are doing the very best you can...after all we are only human after all. Very glad to hear you are seeking mental health help with a therapist who will help guide you in your terrible situation. I too am seeking therapy because of my son - the goal is only to help myself to deal with him. That's it.
My situation a bit different as my son does not live with me. I am on the east coast and he's in the mid-west which presents with different problems. I wish I was closer to him...perhaps I could help him more?? I feel bad I am "not physically there" for him. Lord knows what is going on with him on a daily basis. I have no idea.
Is it better than your situation - perhaps but only in the sense you have an extra, more than a difficult burden, of living with him - and you are the direct target of his dysfunctional behaviors. I don't know his age...but he is an adult. Most certainly he should move out, get his own residence and get a job to pay for his expenses. Other options are a residence for the mentally ill he where he could reside in for a period of time or a group home for the mentally ill where he would get counseling from their staff which would enable him to move on. Don't know if he is under the care of a psychiatrist and receiving medications to help him (?) or seeing a therapist himself. Try to do some research or ask your therapist for housing options for him. I know she said a "shelter or sleep on a friend's couch"...it is extremely difficult, I know. But you do not deserve to be "dumped on" by your son in such a negative and harmful way. You must protect your own physical, mental, spiritual, financial and social well being. You wrote your other children have moved out and the house is difficult to manage now. Would your other children support you in confronting this son? An intervention so to speak? You need great support and have a good plan in place to offer him in this intervention. It certainly sounds like you can NOT do this alone. You must round up a support circle for yourself. Relatives, community support (religious? or otherwise). Also have you contacted your local NAMI support chapter in your area? A great resource for parents who are suffering as you are with an adult child w/mental illness that is deeply affecting your life. Call them, attend meetings. And, yes, continue to pray for yourself for strength and for you son to find the right path again. Reach out for support...I have several dear friends who are helping me cope. His father and I are divorced but are in contact occasionally just to discuss our only child. We are on the same page...but as you know first hand - we are confused as to "what" exactly to do. So our texting to each other ends with no answers. I am told my son is on his own path in life, his journey alone in life. This is his path and I am on my path. I can only love him, support him, be there for him if he needs me, and I make sure he knows all this ALL the time.
Please hang on...answers will come in time. I wish you all the very best. Remember, you are NOT alone.

Thank you for your words of encouragement and perspective. My son is in his early 20's. He feels that he has tried therapy and it "just doesn't work" for him. He is prescribed medication, and quite frankly I don't know if he is still taking it. Not my problem. I will support only good habits and behavior. Having an old girlfriend come back into his life, recently, has been almost life changing (like a new person... the son I used to know), but he relies on that for a lot of his happiness, and we all know how that goes. Right now, I am enjoying his happiness. He is functional with work and daily living at this time. There are times when he sinks and that's not the case, but right now he is swimming. A part of him would love to move out, that could be a lot of his issues, as he has not launched out into the world and has not had to pull himself up by the bootstraps. Here's the thing... he can't afford it. There really is no affordable housing for young adults, certainly not on his own. That's a problem, and not just for him. His friends have bunked up and not enough space for him (he was too late to the station and missed that opportunity). I practice living in the moment, I practice my reactions and responses (per the therapist), to his behavior. If he sinks into his depression and were to get verbally abusive, I have a backpack ready to go for him, and I will see him to the door. This line has been drawn in the sand with him.

Great news! So happy to hear this!
Perhaps his girlfriend coming back into his life will be a good motivator for him. Fingers crossed 🙂
And perhaps they can pool whatever money they have together and move in with each other.
You certainly have gain a lot from your therapy sessions. Continue to do so. It sounds like you now have a very clear plan in place, if needed.
And having lived the experience, your son's "mind" in his early 20s will be far different as he gets older.
He will change...and my sense is - it will be for the better. He is still "young".
Again, all the best to you and your son.

I don’t have any help. I don’t heaven have a therapist. Just keep thinking that everything it’s going to be ok but it’s not !!