1. < Caregivers

Enough - This is going to be fixed!

Posted by kartwk @kartwk, Dec 16, 2024

Forgive me for posting a bit. Today I talked to a elder law attorney, I have set up an apt. tomorrow for H with his primary doc. who I talked to about situation earlier AND I arranged for H's oldest daughter, a nurse, to be able to join us at that apt. via cell.

The hacking, coughing, etc. and the paranoid behavior about EVERYTHING bothers his lungs, even unopened bottles of cleaning vinegar, etc. have to be addressed. This is not normal IMHO and can't continue.

I included his oldest daughter because he respects her and she is a nurse who can, well, is kind of a third party in dealing with explanations.

I realized yesterday I was living in a soap opera and didn't like it, it IS dragging me down, as I have posted. I have my list ready, and the Doc has also agreed on some issues but if H won't take the meds, inhalers, etc. it can be difficult. Kind of an intervention.

It is happening more quicky than I expected, tomorrow, but that is better.
Pray for me.

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kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 16, 2024

Want to make one comment. Our Doc. has an early day tomorrow, so he said he would stay after his scheduled appointments to do this for H because he is concerned about both him and me. That is great because the older SD is in Cal, a 3 hr. time difference.

This itself makes me feel better.

REPLY
1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 16, 2024
In reply to @kartwk "Want to make one comment. Our Doc. has an early day tomorrow, so he said he..." + (show)
@kartwk

Want to make one comment. Our Doc. has an early day tomorrow, so he said he would stay after his scheduled appointments to do this for H because he is concerned about both him and me. That is great because the older SD is in Cal, a 3 hr. time difference.

This itself makes me feel better.

Jump to this post

I have been very busy with talking to lawyers, the doc., the daughter AND putting up with the normal H hacking, etc. today.
Now, I am going to take a nap. I am EXHAUSTED! Heaven help any one that wakes me up LOL!

REPLY
Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Dec 16, 2024

@kartwk I am happy to hear that you are being proactive! When people tell you "the first step is the hardest", I will kindly disagree - keeping your courage and determination to take action is harder. I am glad you will have help on hand, in the form of his daughter, though it would be wonderful if she was in the room to observe his demeanor. Please be sure to make a point of his non-compliance with medication routines - even to the point of bringing a bagful of the meds he has stopped taking! Also, try to get the doctor to furnish his opinion of your husband's status and condition in writing to give to the elder law attorney; that way he knows in medical terms what is happening.

From what you have told us these past months, I really believe that your husband is demonstrating many characteristics of Cognitive Impairment, and that it is becoming more than one person can handle. You are most likely beyond the reach of any counseling for him, but at some point you need some for YOU to heal when this is resolved. Outsiders, especially those familiar with CI, will probably tell you NOW is the time you need help. Please listen.

At one of your attorney visits, you need to bring your husband so he can observe the behaviors you have described. Any challenging questions or "hot buttons" your husband has will quickly reveal his real self - so make sure it is not just a "meet and greet" where he plays nice for 30 minutes, then explodes at you in the car. Maybe a time to update some documents or add some new ones. If there is anything to sign it would be helpful if you had to sign something as well - just so he doesn't feel he is being ambushed or ganged up on.

It has been many years since we dealt with this first hand with family members, but reading what you are living brings tears to my eyes.

I am glad you will have help on hand, in the form of his daughter, though it would be wonderful if she was in the room to observe his demeanor. I have a question - do you think you or she might find a way record the visit, so when husband argues, you can play the doctors words back?

I am sending hugs for courage to see this through and reclaim yourself. It will not be easy, but if you have peace in the end, will be worth it.

REPLY
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 16, 2024

Thanks.
This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons you cited above. I told the Doc., when we talked that if insurance didn't cover it and the time, I would personally. He said not to worry about it. Gawd, I hated crying while talking to him.

I plan on using my phone to record and there will be a medical record.

I mean, I have to get the house clean in the manner I like to keep it. An unkept house is just depressing me more. Things need to be cleaned with more than just plain water.

I am ready with my documentation of H and his strange way of dealing with the chicken bones after we have chicken. They can't go into the garbage like pork chop bones, beef bones, spareribs and yes, even turkey bones; they HAVE to be put in aluminum foil and then in a plastic Ziplock bag and in the refrigerator (not the freezer, but the refrig.) until garbage day. Why all this, you ask? He claims they stink and that even if you put them in the outside garbage can they still stink. But the other scarps no such problem. I am not even going to tell you about empty gallon milk jugs because it just depresses me daily.

He is not going to be happy as he likes to deny these things when I bring them up in past.

I am making my list and checking it twice, but sadly not for Christmas - LOL. Going to go over the points with his daughter later tonight. She is aware because I have talked to her about them before but it has gotten worse. She really can't contribute anything, but her being there will hopefully make his listen as he is proud of her and her nursing profession. Explain that no one is ganging up on him.

I am also very, very nervous.

REPLY
3 replies
celia16 | @celia16 | Dec 16, 2024
In reply to @kartwk "Thanks. This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons..." + (show)
@kartwk

Thanks.
This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons you cited above. I told the Doc., when we talked that if insurance didn't cover it and the time, I would personally. He said not to worry about it. Gawd, I hated crying while talking to him.

I plan on using my phone to record and there will be a medical record.

I mean, I have to get the house clean in the manner I like to keep it. An unkept house is just depressing me more. Things need to be cleaned with more than just plain water.

I am ready with my documentation of H and his strange way of dealing with the chicken bones after we have chicken. They can't go into the garbage like pork chop bones, beef bones, spareribs and yes, even turkey bones; they HAVE to be put in aluminum foil and then in a plastic Ziplock bag and in the refrigerator (not the freezer, but the refrig.) until garbage day. Why all this, you ask? He claims they stink and that even if you put them in the outside garbage can they still stink. But the other scarps no such problem. I am not even going to tell you about empty gallon milk jugs because it just depresses me daily.

He is not going to be happy as he likes to deny these things when I bring them up in past.

I am making my list and checking it twice, but sadly not for Christmas - LOL. Going to go over the points with his daughter later tonight. She is aware because I have talked to her about them before but it has gotten worse. She really can't contribute anything, but her being there will hopefully make his listen as he is proud of her and her nursing profession. Explain that no one is ganging up on him.

I am also very, very nervous.

Jump to this post

Best of luck with everything. I hope the doctor and daughter will obtain useful information. Hopefully, you will be able to know more. I would be prepared for no change with husband though. If it is cognitive, there is a disconnect that no words from a doctor or family member is inclined to change. And, if they do, they forget and later it’s like it never happened. Good idea to have the recording, but it still may be denied. Not trying to be negative, just pragmatic. I’ll look forward to reading what happens. Will this enable you to get some help?

REPLY
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Dec 16, 2024
In reply to @kartwk "Thanks. This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons..." + (show)
@kartwk

Thanks.
This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons you cited above. I told the Doc., when we talked that if insurance didn't cover it and the time, I would personally. He said not to worry about it. Gawd, I hated crying while talking to him.

I plan on using my phone to record and there will be a medical record.

I mean, I have to get the house clean in the manner I like to keep it. An unkept house is just depressing me more. Things need to be cleaned with more than just plain water.

I am ready with my documentation of H and his strange way of dealing with the chicken bones after we have chicken. They can't go into the garbage like pork chop bones, beef bones, spareribs and yes, even turkey bones; they HAVE to be put in aluminum foil and then in a plastic Ziplock bag and in the refrigerator (not the freezer, but the refrig.) until garbage day. Why all this, you ask? He claims they stink and that even if you put them in the outside garbage can they still stink. But the other scarps no such problem. I am not even going to tell you about empty gallon milk jugs because it just depresses me daily.

He is not going to be happy as he likes to deny these things when I bring them up in past.

I am making my list and checking it twice, but sadly not for Christmas - LOL. Going to go over the points with his daughter later tonight. She is aware because I have talked to her about them before but it has gotten worse. She really can't contribute anything, but her being there will hopefully make his listen as he is proud of her and her nursing profession. Explain that no one is ganging up on him.

I am also very, very nervous.

Jump to this post

@kartwk YOU are doing a great job !!! Don’t let yourself doubt yourself! You can do this!! When I had to counsel a nurse, I would write it out first so I wouldn’t forget important things. When I told my son, an army officer who had 100+ soldiers answering to him, he suggested that I do something good for myself right after the meeting. His suggestion was to have a candy bar!
Just do something for yourself!!

REPLY
carrie40 | @carrie40 | Dec 17, 2024
In reply to @kartwk "Thanks. This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons..." + (show)
@kartwk

Thanks.
This Doc. apt. is going to last more than 30 minutes for the exact reasons you cited above. I told the Doc., when we talked that if insurance didn't cover it and the time, I would personally. He said not to worry about it. Gawd, I hated crying while talking to him.

I plan on using my phone to record and there will be a medical record.

I mean, I have to get the house clean in the manner I like to keep it. An unkept house is just depressing me more. Things need to be cleaned with more than just plain water.

I am ready with my documentation of H and his strange way of dealing with the chicken bones after we have chicken. They can't go into the garbage like pork chop bones, beef bones, spareribs and yes, even turkey bones; they HAVE to be put in aluminum foil and then in a plastic Ziplock bag and in the refrigerator (not the freezer, but the refrig.) until garbage day. Why all this, you ask? He claims they stink and that even if you put them in the outside garbage can they still stink. But the other scarps no such problem. I am not even going to tell you about empty gallon milk jugs because it just depresses me daily.

He is not going to be happy as he likes to deny these things when I bring them up in past.

I am making my list and checking it twice, but sadly not for Christmas - LOL. Going to go over the points with his daughter later tonight. She is aware because I have talked to her about them before but it has gotten worse. She really can't contribute anything, but her being there will hopefully make his listen as he is proud of her and her nursing profession. Explain that no one is ganging up on him.

I am also very, very nervous.

Jump to this post

I didn't realize there are two posts going on! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, kartwk! I just read these posts after sending a reply to the other one. You are acting and in a very reasonable manner--a great idea to have his daughter involved. Best wishes, love and courage, Carrie

REPLY
kartwk | @kartwk | Jan 1 11:48am

Well, it didn't go as well as I had hoped. H. claims nothing wrong with him, he doesn't want any tests. Even his daughter couldn't reason with him.

At least I did get to vent with the Doc and Daughter listening and he had to listen.

H did pass that little test they give where they give you something to remember and then have you count. Then the Doc asks what the thing was.

My H is a stubborn man.

Fortunately my daughter is going to be here for 2 full weeks for the holidays so I will get some reprieve.

REPLY
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