1. < Caregivers

Just can't handle this any more

Posted by kartwk @kartwk, Nov 25 11:12am

Things have gone from bad to worse. As I said we went for another chest x-ray and 2 more doc. apts. At the one the doc asked if he was taking his symbicort (which of course he wasn't because he has problems with EVERYTHING he get prescribed) and he gave the doc an evasive answer about why he was not. So I stepped in and told the doc the REAL reason only to have H break in and say he would start taking it again.

I am tired, I am worn out, I get pleasure out of nothing. I am so sick of the constant hacking and checking out his phlegm, of getting prescriptions that he takes a few times and then claims he is having problems with them BUT doesn't call doc about said problems. The constant grunting and groaning. The constant bitching about the house---when I clean he smells it and it sets off his lungs (even when I am just using plain water and wiping down the floors!), and then when I say fine, heck with it, he bitches that I am not cleaning and dusting enough.

It came to a head this weekend. I actually threw a plate on the floor after he hacked and checked at the table while we were eating. I am done.

Of course now it is my fault, I don't love him, he wants a divorce, he is going out and maybe won't come back.....all MY fault.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

dougokane | @dougokane | Dec 2 12:14am

Do you have any caregiver support groups in your area? It is really nice to able to unload with someone who gets it. They are listed online. Also you need to walk away from that situation 2 to 3 days a week for a couple or more hours. Do something out of the house, a hobby, volunteer, walk the park, movie, take a swim, or coffee or lunch with a friend etc. When you went on your own for that hamburger at Culvers, do you remember how that felt? Do something where the environment is normal. Something you enjoy and it's for you. And set the days and hours and do not let him change it. You are slowly going crazy. You are very unhappy. You feel you are losing control of the situation which you are. You need to put the brakes on. It will give you some perspective.

REPLY
2 replies
joedeb | @joedeb | Dec 2 7:26am

Find someone to give you a break. It get him used to having someone besides you as a caregiver, preparing for the future. Hang in there...

REPLY
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 4 8:28am
In reply to @dougokane "Do you have any caregiver support groups in your area? It is really nice to able..." + (show)
@dougokane

Do you have any caregiver support groups in your area? It is really nice to able to unload with someone who gets it. They are listed online. Also you need to walk away from that situation 2 to 3 days a week for a couple or more hours. Do something out of the house, a hobby, volunteer, walk the park, movie, take a swim, or coffee or lunch with a friend etc. When you went on your own for that hamburger at Culvers, do you remember how that felt? Do something where the environment is normal. Something you enjoy and it's for you. And set the days and hours and do not let him change it. You are slowly going crazy. You are very unhappy. You feel you are losing control of the situation which you are. You need to put the brakes on. It will give you some perspective.

Jump to this post

I am losing control of the situation.

Now, with the cold weather, he is going looney about the heat in the house. We have a heat pump, just put in about 15 months ago. Since Thanksgiving he has called the heating co. 3 times claiming it isn't working right. I have no doubt they have him on the krank, kook list but as we have a warranty and service contract they have to come out.

The last guy was here yesterday and found nothing wrong with the way the system was working. It responded to all the various commands he gave it. Two hours after he left H was complaining that the system and the thermostat were not communicating properly!
He will probably call them again in the next day or two.

It is getting embarrassing. This is in addition the honking and phlegm routine he does.

I am so down in the dumps as when I try to explain what they said, the system is working fine, etc., right away I don't know what I am talking about.
.

REPLY
2 replies
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 4 8:29am
In reply to @kartwk "I am losing control of the situation. Now, with the cold weather, he is going looney..." + (show)
@kartwk

I am losing control of the situation.

Now, with the cold weather, he is going looney about the heat in the house. We have a heat pump, just put in about 15 months ago. Since Thanksgiving he has called the heating co. 3 times claiming it isn't working right. I have no doubt they have him on the krank, kook list but as we have a warranty and service contract they have to come out.

The last guy was here yesterday and found nothing wrong with the way the system was working. It responded to all the various commands he gave it. Two hours after he left H was complaining that the system and the thermostat were not communicating properly!
He will probably call them again in the next day or two.

It is getting embarrassing. This is in addition the honking and phlegm routine he does.

I am so down in the dumps as when I try to explain what they said, the system is working fine, etc., right away I don't know what I am talking about.
.

Jump to this post

I must say that last year we did have problems with this new unit and they had to replace some board in it.

REPLY
Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Dec 9 5:32pm
In reply to @dougokane "Do you have any caregiver support groups in your area? It is really nice to able..." + (show)
@dougokane

Do you have any caregiver support groups in your area? It is really nice to able to unload with someone who gets it. They are listed online. Also you need to walk away from that situation 2 to 3 days a week for a couple or more hours. Do something out of the house, a hobby, volunteer, walk the park, movie, take a swim, or coffee or lunch with a friend etc. When you went on your own for that hamburger at Culvers, do you remember how that felt? Do something where the environment is normal. Something you enjoy and it's for you. And set the days and hours and do not let him change it. You are slowly going crazy. You are very unhappy. You feel you are losing control of the situation which you are. You need to put the brakes on. It will give you some perspective.

Jump to this post

Good suggestion about online groups for caregivers, @dougokane. In fact, there is one led by a Mayo Clinic social worker that @kartwk and others are welcome to join weekly or as able:
Caring for the Caregiver Support Group meets weekly on Thursdays from 12-1 p.m. MT. See more info here:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/event/caregiver-support-group-meeting-3-8216/
@dougokane, what is your caregiving situation? How are you doing?

REPLY
1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 9 6:06pm
In reply to @colleenyoung "Good suggestion about online groups for caregivers, @dougokane. In fact, there is one led by a..." + (show)
@colleenyoung

Good suggestion about online groups for caregivers, @dougokane. In fact, there is one led by a Mayo Clinic social worker that @kartwk and others are welcome to join weekly or as able:
Caring for the Caregiver Support Group meets weekly on Thursdays from 12-1 p.m. MT. See more info here:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/event/caregiver-support-group-meeting-3-8216/
@dougokane, what is your caregiving situation? How are you doing?

Jump to this post

Thank YOU Colleen!!! That is just what I need. Something I can do from the house.

H doesn't believe in therapy etc. He calls it airing one's dirty laundry.
You can bet I am going to be there.

REPLY
allie9124 | @allie9124 | Dec 14 12:27pm
In reply to @kartwk "When I don't go along with him I don't love him, etc. poor him. He does't..." + (show)
@kartwk

When I don't go along with him I don't love him, etc. poor him. He does't get it that it extremely difficult for me. If I didn't care if wouldn't bother me (like how his daughter is concerning us).

I want to go to counselling BUT he doesn't want anyone to know our business, which also concerns me.

I can say I don't leave him alone a lot because he almost burned down the kitchen. He forgets to turn off burners and then is careless with leaving dish towels in the vicinity.

I feel guilty disclosing all this because I feel something must be wrong with me, I should be able to handle it.

Jump to this post

I don’t think anyone could handle it. My husband is very similar to what you describe. I don’t have the step daughter problem, which is a terrible thing to have going on. This is probably not a great suggestion, but can your doctor give you something for the stress you are under? Sometimes that helps give you a little mental break from the constant worrying. I know it is easy to get addicted, but one pill for a few days might be mental break.

REPLY
allie9124 | @allie9124 | Dec 14 12:28pm
In reply to @kartwk "I am losing control of the situation. Now, with the cold weather, he is going looney..." + (show)
@kartwk

I am losing control of the situation.

Now, with the cold weather, he is going looney about the heat in the house. We have a heat pump, just put in about 15 months ago. Since Thanksgiving he has called the heating co. 3 times claiming it isn't working right. I have no doubt they have him on the krank, kook list but as we have a warranty and service contract they have to come out.

The last guy was here yesterday and found nothing wrong with the way the system was working. It responded to all the various commands he gave it. Two hours after he left H was complaining that the system and the thermostat were not communicating properly!
He will probably call them again in the next day or two.

It is getting embarrassing. This is in addition the honking and phlegm routine he does.

I am so down in the dumps as when I try to explain what they said, the system is working fine, etc., right away I don't know what I am talking about.
.

Jump to this post

Do we have the same spouse?!?!?

REPLY
1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 14 6:40pm
In reply to @allie9124 "Do we have the same spouse?!?!?" + (show)
@allie9124

Do we have the same spouse?!?!?

Jump to this post

You mean there are TWO of them? Heaven help us! LOL!!

REPLY
1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Dec 14 6:52pm

Intended for the counselling on-line session but missed it due to yet another Dr. appointment he quicky needed.

While checking him out , the doc was looking at me, probably noticing my look of tiredness and resolution that this goes on week after week after week. I was there but I felt like I really didn't care anymore, if that makes any sense.

He put me on citalopram several months back, but I am still down and exhausted. When I sleep, I don't seem to get rested and am tired all day. I was reading a book by my fav. author, John Grisham and couldn't focus on it. As for Christmas? The heck with it, I haven't played a single carol or even bothered to think about decorating the house because I just don't have the energy or, desire to. That is not normal for me. I tended to love carols and the old Christmas movies on TCM with Bing Crosby, etc. and A Christmas Carol. This year absolutely NO interest.

One thing that concerns me is that whenever I start to leave the house for any reason, he, all of a sudden, wants to go with me. Thus I end up carting him all over and never get the break I need.

When to grocery store earlier looking at a great way to just get some quiet time. All of a sudden, he wants to come along. When I pushed that I could do it quicker it became an accusation of don't I want him around, what am I doing that I don't want him to go with me? So he came along and grunted, groaned, hobbled and honked halfway through the store and then started pushing me to hurry because he hurt.

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