Just can't handle this any more

I have mobility problems due to failed knee operation and nerve damage in the leg so severe that at times I cannot even feel my leg so I am careful when walking and doing things.

I try to get out, go to library, etc., but he burns the phone up calling me (eventhough I let calls go to voice mail).

I started lookng for help w house but he put a stop to that when he told the one service that they could use nothing to clean because EVERYTHING bothered him. That was last week and added into my frustration.

Now everything is feeding into everything for me. He is a slob, I am always picking up his tissues, etc. He eats in the recliner and gets the crumbs all over and upolstry full of stains and just doesn't care. He makes NO EFFORT to try to make things easier for me. It is always his LUNGS, his blood pressure, his hip, his back.

As far as respite care, won't go, doesn't need it and doesn't want strangers in the house.

His one daughter is 5 miles away (the one that wanted to be executor and in the will because, according to her, when something happens to him I won't be able to deal with things. Yeah, Right. She wanted him to change the will so she was the beneficiary and she would take care of me. I digress, she is too busy to help out even though she doesn't work. Besides, she scares me, she has stolen from me, verbally abused me, things that if someone does to you you wouldn't stand for or tolerate because, as my Doc says it is elder abuse. Her behavior is on record with him and he has strongly advised me that if she continues to let him know...made me promise to do so.

When I don't go along with him I don't love him, etc. poor him. He does't get it that it extremely difficult for me. If I didn't care if wouldn't bother me (like how his daughter is concerning us).

I want to go to counselling BUT he doesn't want anyone to know our business, which also concerns me.

I can say I don't leave him alone a lot because he almost burned down the kitchen. He forgets to turn off burners and then is careless with leaving dish towels in the vicinity.

I feel guilty disclosing all this because I feel something must be wrong with me, I should be able to handle it.

OH, I signed up for one of those food delivery services so we don't have to go to the grocery store and he doesn't want to use it.....wants to hobble and honk through the store to pick out his own meat and produce.

It is always a fight and I am tired.

FWIW, today I am picking up a prescription for another medicine inhaler that is quite pricely. H has had it before, but asked for it again. I can predict right here what will happen....he will use it a few days, claim it is bothering him and then not use it again and it will expire. He won't call the Doc and if I do tells the doc. I got his symptoms to the medicine wrong and generally the Doc tells him to continue using it.

Having said all that, sorry, is it any doubt that I am tired and getting cranky myself. He is getting so that he tells me I want him dead so I can inherit (what, most of what we have started out with what I had when we married 30 years ago. I had a house, furnishing which we still have although he is destroying them lately) etc. It is poor, poor him, I am being terrible that I am at my wits end. I don't undestand...it is his LUNGS etc. That I am lucky he doesn't have something serious like cancer, etc.

Hello @karwk
Sorry to hear what you're going thru. Please take a moment to see copdfoundation.org. They have helpful information about taking care of yourself as caregiver and feeling overwhelmed. Their support group could be very helpful to you as well.
Ernie

Thank you. I just need to get it out because that helps.

We went to Culvers yesterday and he didn't want to get out of car so we used drive thru. Bad move. Nothing was right for him. Had to wait too long for order (same as if one was in bldg.), people don't know what they are doing? Doesn't like siting in car in parking lot, and it went on and on and on.

I was looking forward to it as we get out so seldom but after all the moaning, b*tching, honking, etc., I lost my appetite and threw it away. He is just so miserable to be around I can't take it any more. It makes me grouchy and testy which isn't good either.

I am going back to Culvers this evening for a hamburger etc.; the heck with him and I am not letting him come with me. Whenever I go out he always wants to come along. Lately he seems to think we are actually joined at the hip. I don't know why, he never use to be like that until this year.

I feel your pain. My husband is the same. Joined at the hips. I think they are afraid if we go out without them we just might not come back. My us and says he is afraid I might get mugged. By the time I finish helping I’m get dressed to go out I am too tired to do anything.

Lung issues can cause depression. Maybe ask if he’s willing to try meds for depression or cognitive behavior therapy CBT . If he won’t you might consider CBT for yourself. It helps.

My dear...this sounds like it is just too much for you to handle, anyone to handle. Is there a Social Services in your local government that can come by for an evaluation? I mean, psychological/Alzheimers type behavior? This man has so many issues, some of which may be legitimate, others an attempt for attention. I wouldn't tell him someone was coming...let a professional see some of his behavior.
Even 911 when he is out of control...this situation cannot continue. Leaving the stove on, etc.--this is beyond normal and needs attention from professionals--not medical doctors apparently but mental health professionals. Go to counseling by yourself--there's a place you may find suggestions for governmental help for both of you. Just make an appointment probably in your car when you are alone...your doctor may have a list of professionals. Just do it--for yourself. When you say, "wits end" that means your own cognitive abilities are compromised and you need help from others--professionals that is.
I don't remember about your age, Medicare, etc. Medicare does pay for counseling; not all counselors take it though. A lawyer is an idea too--again, by yourself. They know where help is available and what your options are. I hope you have some financial control; if not, start working on it. If he is " a danger to himself and others" there should be help available to you. I know we all care about you and wish for a better life for you.