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No Longer a Caretaker. What am I?
I read a suggestion about a book to read when I realized that I am no longer a caretaker. There really is no title for what I am. My husband has ALZ and hasn't recognized me for months, so I'm not a wife. On Monday I placed him in a Memory Care Facility 4 minutes from our home, so I'm not a caretaker. I am 80 and wasn't able to sustain my caretaking role as his ALZ progressed. I've reached out to people who have gone on the same journey, and they've said the placement was harder than the subsequent death of their spouse. Amen to that. I'm shredded. When I have visited, he gets up to leave with me and is totally agitated when he can't. I represent the key to the door, so I was asked to not visit for a week or more to help him get acclimated. As relieved as I feel regarding not physically taking care of him, I am wracked with guilt. We both have worked hard during our 57 years of marriage, and here I am in a lovely home, and he is in a room --overlooking a garden...but still just a room. This is an awful position. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I was treading water before as a caretaker, but now I feel like the guilt is a wave that has inundated me completely. If anyone else has taken this step and their loved one has come to accept the situation, I would appreciate some feedback. I am a wounded soldier sharing your trenches.
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First and foremost, get a notebook and takes notes on odd behavior. I can go back two years and realize I didn't see what was really happening. I thought our marriage was shaky and older people just bickered in their dotage. It helps to see your thoughts on paper; it gives you evidence when you see a physician. It keeps you from being gaslighted and from thinking that it your fault. This was all happening before a critical fall and a subsequent diagnosis of ALZ. Having the diagnosis was a relief because then I knew for sure I was dealing with a debilitating disease and not just a cranky old man. I am out of the caregiving role now that my husband is in a Memory Care facility. I visit most days for two hours. I look forward to seeing him now and can be the happy cheerful person I used to be. I like me better, and I'm sure he does too.
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8 Reactions“WHO am I….You are no longer who you were; you are almost who you will be”. That lyric from Enigma, and the book “Caregiving” I suggest -are my thoughts for you to consider.
Clips from the book are provided for you to browse. The term ‘Grieve’ may seem shocking in the context of a spouse still living. However in a broader context, grieve is a reaction to any major irreversible change. You and others have experienced that major irreversible change. The book records personal account from scores of caregivers, and is organized into 6 stages of that journey. There are 9 personal 2-3 page stories from caregivers in your stage.
I pray this is a helpful blessing for you.
Amen
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3 ReactionsI can only imagine your pain in my heart. You stated it so perfectly. I was in your position but with my mother just before she passed. If she had not, I was days away from having to life by myself with this hurt of her living separately. I promise you that it gets easier with the help of community like this forum. Get out, walk in the park if you can, and bravely let these aweful feelings come —sit with them, then chase them away and do 1 act just for yourself. It is the natural progression of things that it will ease with time and your courage. Stretch and breathe deeply and let your tears come then go. I am holding you in my arms now.
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5 ReactionsThank you for your kind words. I think the upcoming holidays make this
separation even more
painful. Fortunately, I have grandchildren to bring the spirit of the
holidays and joy back into my life.
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4 ReactionsI’m so happy for that!!! Hope today was easier than yesterday. Carol
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