I survived suicide attempts

It seems there are still kind and caring people somewhere and I am thankful.

I was curious where this discussion has gone since I started it last year. I guess you can tell from what I wrote in October and November that I was in a bad place and needing a therapist.

I was required to be approved for the spinal cord stimulator implant by a psychiatrist, and the soonest I could get an appointment was 3 months out. By the time I saw the therapist, I was close to suicide. I guess I pretty much spilled my guts that day, and it certainly made an impression on him. I was a mess. He told me that the new therapist was in town, but had to go through some training hoops before he'd be available. The psychiatrist told me that they had a short list of people waiting for the new guy, Robert, and he called Robert while I was there, and told him to put me at the top of the list. I finally had my first session sometime in March, and I told him that he had saved my life. He understands how grateful I am, and always has scheduled me at the end of the day, so I can have a more open ended session.

I turned 67 on the 10th of August. This has been a hard month because of uncertainty about a couple of diagnoses that doctors are trying to make. I think it would be easier to find out what's going on, even if it's not good, than to be waiting for one test, then another, and another. My fear is that I'm facing the terrible suffering that my sister went through for several years, until her body just became depleted, even with a feeding tube, and she died when she was just past 60. Her problems began with swallowing difficulties, very much like mine. It was so hard to watch her waste away. So, I've been pretty depressed and anxious for a while. I have two separate things going on with my swallowing, and I don't yet know what it means. I also saw a hematologist yesterday because my hemoglobin has been low for some time, and the pcp hasn't been able to figure out why.

I have to stop and go to bed. I'm going to meet the rep tomorrow, to adjust the stimulator. My feet and toes have been hurting more lately. I hope some adjusting will help.

Jim

@tbaxter33 - I started this discussion awhile back to interact with others who have attempted suicide. In 2005 & 2006, when I was at my most suicidal, I was in a very deep, dark hole of depression, and from that place, perspective didn't exist. A lot of things disappeared in that hole. Hope, self value, love for others, pleasure, joy, care, appetite, faith, appreciation, balance, to name a few. As you and anyone who has experienced depression know, it messes with the brain. We sometimes become people no one recognizes, including ourselves. Being told things that were obvious to us pre-depression has no preventive effect on us in the midst of a suicidal episode.

In my rational moments, I acknowledge the pain I would leave in the wake of my suicide. Those thoughts have kept me alive the past 12 years, along with some good therapy and treatment for depression and other mental health issues.

Of course, I don't speak for everyone who attempts or commits suicide. My experience is mine alone. Other people have a million other reasons for their actions. Some people say there's an epidemic of suicide in America today. My therapist told me recently that today, the most at risk group statistically is senior adult males. The news tends to report on the teen suicide.

I love my family, and truly don't want to be the cause of anguish and grief by ending my life. We've been married for 45 years, have two adult children who are married, and each has a daughter. I have 4 siblings with whom I've always been close. That's a pretty solid bunch of people whom I care about, and who would be devastated if I were to succeed at a suicide attempt. That's a strong motivator to resist the suicidal urges. Will it continue to be strong enough to keep me going until I die of natural causes? I just can't predict the future. I wish I could state for certain that I will never make another attempt. Right now, I hope not. I have no plans to. During this period of my life, my focus is on dealing with depression and anxiety and other mental illness issues and other physical health problems, both mine and my wife's.

Jim

@jimhd I am not sure I have the words to help but I'm gonna sure try with you anyway. I myself have attempted suicide twice. And now thinking back I am glad I didn't succeed when I think about my kids and parents. They stood beside me all the way but reminded me how they would always be scared to leave me alone again which would impede on them ever having a normal life. It just wouldn't be fair to any of them having to baby sit me forever. It has been about seven yrs now since my last attempt. But I didn't become healed all the way. I switched suicide for cutting which scared them just as bad because they were just afraid I would end up cutting my wrist too deep and bleeding to death before I could get to the hospital. I have about 50 scars on both wrist so eventually I managed to kick that habit with a better psychiatrist, the right mixture of meds, and a caring neurologist, and God. Especially God. Now I'm not saying you have to believe in god but believe in something, somebody who can help you, it just to hard to do it alone. And don't forget how bad that charcoal taste, that is if you had to drink it. I did and it was very unpleasant and then one time it was to late and they kept me in ICU for a week. But I hear you when the emotional and now more so the physical pain gets to be more than I can handle cutting, more so than suicide really, lirks around in my brain. It creeps close to the surface just begging me to cut ONE more time but I've learned to talk to someone and for me I pray also. Just remember you got all of us to talk too.

Interesting...My family expects this of me since my father went out with a bang. Thing is, this choice, would not benefit anyone. Knowing how my father's choice changed my life I do not want my own adult children to go through what I have for over 42 years. Being the survivor of someone else close is something that stays forever. Even though I believe my adult children would not care (my dad never said a word to another about his plan). I am able to care for myself and can still drive some. I would never want to be a burden on my family with nothing of value to leave them. Some happy memories is the best I can hope for.
@jimhd Thank you for sharing as it helps to know how others cope. I am 66 and still moving on. Time with my grandson is "my" greatest joy. Hurdles there. I am patient and anxiously await an invitation. I am capable of being alone with him and we have so much fun. Tells me there is still a reason to continue to try. When I get the time with him I don't notice the pain. Sometimes love is not enough.

@parus

What wonderful words from a real survivor! Thanks for being part of our community.

Teresa

OMG! "If wishes were horses beggars would ride"! My mom used that saying a lot and I have never heard it except from her. Do you know where it came from?

Thyroid dosage is very tricky. I had "Hashimoto's Disease" back in the 90's which virtually kill your thyroid. I'm taking Synthroid - and only as my doc doesn't want me to take any generic. We had to try different dosages to see how my numbers moved BUT also how I felt. It's a balancing act. Hope you feel better.

Thank you for your words, @lilgrizz - it does help to be able to interact with others when I'm down, but not so far down that I want to isolate.

I have a strong faith in God. I was raised in a pastor's home, and I was a minister until I retired in 2006, when I was 55.

Depression is an indiscriminate disease. When it's at a dark place, thought becomes skewed, and suicide becomes a reasonable alternative. When a person is at the point of suicide, thoughts about the pain it would cause others are lost. Normally, I am deeply saddened by the pain I caused by attempting, and the thought of the pain my suicide would inflict on the ones I love keeps me from acting on the suicidal thoughts.

Right now, I'm relatively safe. The thoughts linger, but in the back of my mind. The main issue, I believe, is passive suicide. The wish that an illness or disease would take me. I think that's a lot safer mindset than having a plan and actively putting it into place, at least for me.

Self harm is a very different issue than suicidal ideation. Self harm doesn't usually have suicide as a goal, though I certainly can see that it could be an entry point for suicidal thoughts to begin. This is something I talked with my therapist about last week. The whole field of mental illness and where it can lead is a vast range of thought. I never thought it would become a personal issue. I've been fortunate to have had a number of good doctors, therapists and psychiatrists to work with. They may have had to do more than just hold my hand at times. I know I've hung on pretty tightly to them many times. My present pastor has been a great help to me, as well. He has cancer, and goes through periods of depression, especially when he begins a new treatment, so he understands what I live with every day.

How are you doing right now, with cutting? Are you at a place where you have the help and support you need to stay safe? I hope so.

Keep praying and meditating on God's word.

Jim

@babette Here's the discussion.

Jim