I survived suicide attempts

jimhd for some Winter can be depressing in it's self. I like the cool are and do not like the summer hit. It's good to hear you're making an effort to get out and about. With all that you do I sure those that you do help would miss you if you weren't there. It is to hear from you please keep it up. I'm selfish I like reading the positive things you are doing. Keep pushing

Today was a long day. I met with the pastor to discuss details of the Christmas music service on 12/18. Order of service, platform arrangements, rehearsal schedule, etc. I spent the rest of the day editing the piano score for the choir music, and acquainting myself with the church keyboard - a good Korg. Then I wrote a rough draft of the score for the keyboard player. I had to play with the instrument to listen to the sounds and map out which sound I wanted used in various places. I need to write scores for the keyboard, guitars and bass before Sunday, so I can distribute them to the musicians. This is a busy time of the year. My wife commented last night that she was happy to see me doing music again, after a long break.

Hi @jimhd , I have not been on much lately, however when I saw your post I was happy to see that you sound so much better than the last time I read a post from you when I had been online. I am glad that you find yourself busy just be sure that you don't turn that into being overwhelmed (no pun intended). Also remember that you do have your wife, who it appears, does notice and acknowledge your change in mood. I believe it was you who posted at one time that she was one of the reasons that you were still here.
From someone who realizes more than ever how nice it is/was to have my spouse as one possible reason to resist the urge, be thankful for that as I now have no reason/ no one to see just how depressed I am and to help pull me up from that dark place that keeps calling out for me....
Keep it up @jimhd, I know how hard it is or can be, especially at this time of year. Good work on your part.

nother thing that I think helps me is my volunteer work for Hospice. I visit a few people each week for around an hour. Mostly all I do is have conversation with them, but I've done other things, which is part of being a volunteer. I've delivered meds to patients, divided an Iris bed, picked things up at a store, helped a blind man look up phone numbers when he needed legal help, and various other little things. I just offer my services to them, to help in any appropriate way. Thursday, I'm going to deliver some meals for Thanksgiving dinner.

I hope you'll discover another support person soon.

Just curious what is an Irish Bed?

HI All it appears that not a lot is going on right now,,,I guess that is because of the upcoming holidays. I am really struggling more & more emotionally as it gets closer. A bizarre thing happened to me the other day I was in my basement, where I have been trying my best to cleanup (the unfinished area where the tools & misc. crap is kept. Anyway I saw this small bag, you know the kind that you get when you buy a card (you know those ancient paper things that some people use to send via the postal service), well I thought that was strange, being where it was. So I opened the bag and I found a brand new Christmas card `to My Wife`, along with the envelope. I know it was not from last year as I still have that card.
I am not really much into thinking about the afterlife much, however, my husband was a believer in reincarnation. So it really got me thinking, how the heck did this get here? Did my husband reincarnate into a mouse? How else would it have gotten here. I also swear that I still hear him shut off the bedroom light and at time hear him snore or clear his throat (he slept in a different room the last few years, due to his snoring and my insomnia issues).
Strange???????????

overwhelmed that was some experience you had and thank for sharing it with connect

Thanks for reading @safetyshield, I guess everyone else is busy with the hussell & bussell of the holidays. I have been trying to use retail therapy to try & distract me from thinking all the bad thoughts. I just feel so alone. I so need and miss the warmth & understanding of my husband. I have never felt the need for human touch - a genuine hug would do, so much. my heart actually aches. I have always had sad thoughts near Christmas as my grandfather passed away from a massive heart attack two weeks before and my best friend died one week before Christmas. While my husband died in May, ever holiday has been one without him for the first time, including this one.
I wondered how @kimsworld is coping, being this is her first time without her father & how @jimhd is doing, I know it has been difficult for him for some time.
Kim had made an analogy in dealing with & getting out of depression as climbing up rungs of a ladder, which I agree is a good one. I have found myself at that bottom rung for a long time and recently holding one end of a rope, with a noose at the other end. Dealing with life was hard enough before my husband's death and now my CRPS is getting worse. I am having to do more physical things then what I should, but are a necessity and my body is rebelling.
My son is moving out soon and while I will not miss much about him I pretty sure that I may not see him much if again, once he moves out. Everyone thought that my children would rally around me once my husband died. My son barely acknowledges me. If he does it usually involves some snarky remark or real attitude. The times when he has come in a room while I was crying, he quickly leaves and pretends he never saw or heard me. If he wants to tell me something it`s fine, but if I try and initiate a conversation he either yawns, tells me to get to the point or walks away. I have never met anyone so rude, and it is embarrassing to tell anyone not close to the family that he treats me this way.
Whether I make it to 2017 is very dependant on how the holidays play out this year. This will be the first time in 33 years that I have been without a better half at Christmas!

@overwhelmed

I'm sure sorry that you're experiencing so many hard things at once. Your son's emotional and verbal abuse are inexcusable. I imagine he's missing his father, too, though he may be in denial of his grief, or very angry, and could be taking it out on you.

Every human being has the responsibility to be considerate of the needs, feelings and rights of others around them. I hope your son will at some point open his eyes and acknowledge your pain, and that he'll figure out that you deserve his respect. You certainly don't deserve the kind of treatment he's been giving you.

Be kind to yourself. Remember that you're a valuable, loved member of society. Don't do anything you don't have to or don't want to do this Christmas season. Think about the things that have been helpful in the past - prayer, meditation, music, deep breathing, aromatherapy, reading...I think we all have a few coping skills that we can turn to when we need them. Now's the time to put them to work.

The first time every holiday comes along after the trauma of losing someone we love is usually hard, some harder than others. Maybe there's something you've wanted to do at Christmas, but have never done?

I hope you have someone you can talk to. I understand not having anyone who fills that need - it's a problem for me. I need to work on finding a therapist.

Focus on what is happening today, do some deep breathing, and try to relax and find the good of the moment.

overwhelmed I am sorry that you feel so depressed it is no wonder with all the deaths of friends and family that you had to deal with. Depression is a lonely illness but you can beat it. It is so important that you fight this feelings by getting out there and keep busy. Look for activities in your area that you hadn't done before or for a while or would like to try now. I know it is really hard to get moving but just huff and puff and grawl and get up. Winter and the holiday season is depressing for many of us. It is getting colder which limits some of us to be active which can get us depressed. So call someone that makes you feel good get together with those same types of people and fight on. Keep in touch.