Help - I am burned out and dealing with someone who is stubborn

First if it were me, I would take a deep breath and cut yourself a break. You are a wifeand mother and you definately have your hands full. Sometimes as a caregiver we don't get enough praise when we do something kind for our loved one. I can tell you it is the hardest job you will ever do! I wish I had a magic word or could make you feel better. I think anyone who cares for a loved one needs love returned. Remember you are doing your best. Frustration and anger may come at the same time. Do you have someone to sit in for you ? You definately need a break. So sorry you are going through this.

I don't mean to sound like I am not taking your advice but we have been to many of those as well. It is frustrating.

"These obsessions are irrational so you cannot respond to them with logic or other fixes."

How true. This week another doc visit for...his lungs. I would have contacted doc before visit, but H called and got a cancellation, so I did not have a chance.

After the checking of his lungs and listening to him moan about the phlegm etc. AND asking for more antibiotics (he has had two doses of these since Sept.) I spoke out and asked the doc what he hears in his lungs, the response was NOT MUCH! And of ours H is not using the inhaler the doc prescribed as he should.

I think I am right, most of it is in H's mind.

So, since then he has done his hacking and honking - it is not that he HAS to expel phlegm, it is that he gives it the old heave hoe to get it up so he can check the color, etc. Compulsive.

I have been working and watching tv in other rooms away from the noise and irritation and he doesn't like it. Too bad.

Oh how I wish I could talk with you in person—I am a retired nurse. I’ve cared for my fair share of COPD patients over the years I completely understand you. Are you checking his oxygen sats, daily & when he is “honking” ? COPD patients are normally low on oxygen — supplemental oxygen is not helpful because their bodies depend on the CO2 drive to breathe. THIS makes them cranky, irritable & often irrational . Sadly , it gets worse as the disease progresses. If you can get someone in to help or be with him, I highly encourage you to have “me” time. Get out , walk around, visit friends & family. Build up an in-person support network. Go to Church, see a funny movie— you must take care of you — that is not selfish it is survival Folks with long term illnesses are frightened. He might not say so but being obsessed with sputum color tells me that he is. My Dad was a bit cranky & so was my Mom… they both had COPD & heart disease.

Thank you Silverwolf. I will start pestering him about oxygen level. I do know that one time, about 6 months ago it was low, but has been really good whenever the Doc. tests it. This is not going to go over well with him, but I am going to put my foot down enough is enough!

I ordered him some good masks that help keep dust, pollen etc. from being inhaled. He was pleased with them but now, after a few days, he doesn't like wearing it because it bothers him. Grrr.
These last 5 days he has stopped taking his inhaler as he has trouble with it, but won't call Doc., then he was told he could take allergy medication but, while it helped for a few days, it now makes him "dry", so he stopped that.

He claims it is dust. So I took the WHOLE bedroom apart, washed everything, vacuumed every nook and cranny, washed pillows, etc. STILL claims the "dust" in the bedroom is bothering him. You know what? He sleeps fine. It is only when he gets up that the hacking and honking begins and goes on and on and on........

It is constant! I can't handle this any more. I went to the library on Thursday and he blew up my phone just calling, complaining and when was I going to be back. I didn't answer those texts, but just the constant calling ruined my time of peace.

What is interesting to me is that he has this strong desire to cut grass about every, oh 5 days. Now, one would definately think that would bother him, and it does to a point, so I give up. This is a guy that claims that after a good rain when you go out and get that earthy smell which also bothers him.
UNCLE!!

I’d be concerned with him using equipment like that. Is it a riding mower? Difficult behavior, poor judgment, obsessions, etc. can be indicative of cognitive problems. Have you talked to your doctor about how you are doing? Take care of yourself. If it’s cognitive decline, it usually gets worse, not better. Seroquel helps my dad a little.

@kartwk I like your spunk! I have read back over your posts about different topics over the last few years & certainly you have had a lot to deal with. But you just seem to “put your big girl panties on” as they say. You keep moving forward.
Straight talk - your journey will not get easier. Especially physically. So let’s work smarter. Just reaching out to this blog site for help & venting is a huge step. 1st - have a discussion with your husband about your wills, both of your health situations, and what you both want. And remind him you love him. Pick a good time. Do not be discouraged if he can’t or won’t talk about any or all. This will give you an idea of his cognitive situation as often illnesses and lower oxygen and age can affect some. Then you need to make notes about your thoughts. From this combined “wants/needs” - you have a plan. Then you take the baby steps to implement it. For example - make your wills known to family members to get them off your backs. Too many people are not upfront & it makes it difficult for loved ones. If you and/or your husband value your physical independence, then get some help. Hire a kid or better yet a handyman or a service to help with yard work, cleaning the house or even shaking rugs. These little help tools make it easier for you both to stay healthy and prevent injuries - which reduce independence. Lastly - there is joy, bright moments, little things that can yield a smile that need to be found or made. Old friends, church members, Seniors Helping Seniors, local agencies, book clubs, a weekly center, volunteer, animal shelter, library, knitting, baking - the world is full of so much. There are 3 of you in this relationship that need to be taken care of - you, your husband and you as a couple. Make a list of the baby steps to be taken - not the giant leaps - and start crossing them off. Some will not be easy. A person once likened it to running a marathon - just do each mile and they will add up. I have done several - both literally & figuratively - never easy nor pretty. But here I am! Good luck & keep moving.

Your words" sometimes as a caretaker we don't get enough praise" hit a note with me this morning. I have a friend on the opposite coast who is caring for his wife with ALZ , so we are sharing our journey with our spouses. He sent me this email:
"Thank you. I bet you haven't heard that for a while."
Just a few words of encouragement sent out or received can change the trajectory of the day. I call my emails to friends in difficult situations my "atta boy/girl" notes.