1. < Caregivers

Help - I am burned out and dealing with someone who is stubborn

Posted by kartwk @kartwk, Oct 8 11:05am

My husband has a history of COPD and asthma. He has used every inhaler that is available and same with the drugs, which is claims to have problems with all of them

For the last two months it has been awful. We seem to be at the ER and doctor every few days. Last time at doc was Friday. He was given an antibiotic. This morning, I ask him how his lungs are doing and he tells me fine. I figured this because for the last two months or so all he does is go around honking, deliberately, up stuff and looking at what color it is. Trust me, I have the kleenex all over that I keep picking up. He is OBSESSED with the color - is it green, is it gray, is it clear. This even though the doc on Friday told him that color doesn't matter.

Now he is back on the phone for another doc. apt. His lungs, which were fine just an hour ago are now "all clogged up" and he is honking (generally becauses he keeps trying to) and he feels awful.

I must say, this shocked me as he just told me he was getting better.

Anyway, I can not clean around the house and he is b*tching that because of the house his lungs are bad. BULL. I do not use any strong chemicals. I generally use vinegar and water to clean floors, I dust weekly. NOW, though even vinegar bothers his lungs, so he claims.

The final straw for me came this weekend after it had rained several days. He walked outside and, oh his lungs were bothered. Why you ask, Because of the smell the air gets after it rains! This is not about pollen, etc, but just the earthy smell that comes after a good rain. At this point I am having my doubts.

I cannot tell you how many differnt doctors we have been to. Two weeks ago he told me to be ready to take him to the hospital, that didn't happen. Now he is sitting there telling me he is gonna die!

I just don't know what to do.

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celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 11 10:21pm
In reply to @kartwk "Oh Babs thank you so much for the ideas. I am still working on him. I..." + (show)
@kartwk

Oh Babs thank you so much for the ideas.

I am still working on him. I tried the "do it for me" approach and was promptly told that I obviously didn't give a darn about what he was going through.

He now claims he has asthma, but has always been diagnosed with emphysema and COPD.

This afternoon we saw the doc AGAIN. (1 ER visit and 3 doc. visits in 2 weeks). Funny, his whole demeaner and complaint was different. Now things are clearing up, the phlegm is now clear etc. but he still has some problems (I'm doing the slow burn after all he put me through quietly). Must be his allergies/asthma, he says.

Doc. clarified to him he does not have asthma, so a lot of things won't work for him, but emphysema and COPD so that line from H isn't going to work any more.

Doc checks out his lungs and says he only hears a tiny bit of crackling in the lower, left lung, nothing bad, but tells him he needs to continue his inhaler use, gave him another course of pregnoson. I told doc. H didn't always use inhaler as he was supposed to and got the look" from H. Also told him that H was fixated on sucking stuff up from his lungs into a Kleenex and checking it out constantly. Of course, H tried to deny but I know the doc. caught it.

I suggested lung exercises to which doc. agreed, but hubby, well he wasn't going that way at all. Hey, can lead a horse to water.....

We are home, H has got his prescription and is quiet for now. Funny, after hacking and sucking stuff out of his lungs for 2 weeks, including this a.m., all the sudden he is peaceful. I am truly believing it is in his head.

Tomorrow is a new day and he will start all over again. If I was a betting woman I would bet we are either in the ER or back in the docs. office in 2 weeks or sooner.

And away we go again.

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How old is your husband? Have they conducted a Mini Mental State Examination? I thought that was standard when one reaches age 65.

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1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 12 9:55am
In reply to @celia16 "How old is your husband? Have they conducted a Mini Mental State Examination? I thought that..." + (show)
@celia16

How old is your husband? Have they conducted a Mini Mental State Examination? I thought that was standard when one reaches age 65.

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Hi Celia16 - H is 85.

When we were at the docs yesterday and the doc was explaining his condition etc., H would, at times, get a blank, confused look on his face and I would explain to him. He would look to me to explain. I know the doctor caught that.

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1 reply
Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Oct 12 10:18am
In reply to @kartwk "Hi Celia16 - H is 85. When we were at the docs yesterday and the doc..." + (show)
@kartwk

Hi Celia16 - H is 85.

When we were at the docs yesterday and the doc was explaining his condition etc., H would, at times, get a blank, confused look on his face and I would explain to him. He would look to me to explain. I know the doctor caught that.

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Can you get your husband to "exchange" Medical Powers of Attorney with you? That way it would not appear you are, in effect, saying "you are incompetent." Then you can contact his doctor directly to discuss concerns and possibly a plan to assess his capacity.

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1 reply
katrina123 | @katrina123 | Oct 12 4:46pm

Kartwk,
Just wondering. Has your husband been tested for allergies? If he can cough up stuff from his lungs so easily there must be something going on. I have many allergies and one allergy I have is to mold. Mold and other fungal diseases can grow under leaves so that could be why he has a problem outdoors. I have had an issue with this.

Has your husband had his lungs x-rayed?

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1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 12 7:27pm
In reply to @sueinmn "Can you get your husband to "exchange" Medical Powers of Attorney with you? That way it..." + (show)
@sueinmn

Can you get your husband to "exchange" Medical Powers of Attorney with you? That way it would not appear you are, in effect, saying "you are incompetent." Then you can contact his doctor directly to discuss concerns and possibly a plan to assess his capacity.

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That's a good idea. I am on the doc's forms as someone they can talk about his condition and leave messages, if necessary about his condition. Does that count?

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2 replies
kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 12 7:32pm
In reply to @sueinmn "Wow, I can't imagine dealing with it day after day. I know he has other issues..." + (show)
@sueinmn

Wow, I can't imagine dealing with it day after day. I know he has other issues as well from your earlier posts.
At this level of stress, you NEED to find respite help. Is there anyone you can call on to sit with him for a few hours while you get out of the house and do something for yourself? If not a family member or friend, can you check with your county office on aging to see what exists in your area?
My Dad used to be a volunteer "senior companion" - he would go hang out with another guy, in his home, for 2-3 hours to let the caregiver have a break. They would swap stories, play cribbage, or just watch TV & have coffee (Dad always brought homemade cookies or quick bread to share.) It was through neighborhood senior services near his home.

Please, let's figure out how to get YOU a break...Hugs!
Sue

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I know what you mean about stress. Get the feeling that I am going to throw up (forgive me). All day today I have been having stomach issues. I know what the problem is, but dealing with him is another story.

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Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Oct 12 9:39pm
In reply to @kartwk "That's a good idea. I am on the doc's forms as someone they can talk about..." + (show)
@kartwk

That's a good idea. I am on the doc's forms as someone they can talk about his condition and leave messages, if necessary about his condition. Does that count?

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Yes, I think so. Check with him.

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labrown | @labrown | Oct 13 7:27am
In reply to @kartwk "That's a good idea. I am on the doc's forms as someone they can talk about..." + (show)
@kartwk

That's a good idea. I am on the doc's forms as someone they can talk about his condition and leave messages, if necessary about his condition. Does that count?

Jump to this post

I am on the forms for my mother and husband as being one info can be shared with. When I have an issue with either that is difficult to bring up to the doctor in their presence I will send in my concern or questions through the doctor’s portal before our visit and ask him to lead questions in that direction. This has proven to be very helpful to me and in the long run to them without them getting upset with me…after all the doctor brought it up, not me.
I hope this helps you with your situation.

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1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 16 9:47am
In reply to @labrown "I am on the forms for my mother and husband as being one info can be..." + (show)
@labrown

I am on the forms for my mother and husband as being one info can be shared with. When I have an issue with either that is difficult to bring up to the doctor in their presence I will send in my concern or questions through the doctor’s portal before our visit and ask him to lead questions in that direction. This has proven to be very helpful to me and in the long run to them without them getting upset with me…after all the doctor brought it up, not me.
I hope this helps you with your situation.

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That is a good idea. I never thought about that. I know that I am on the HIPPA form that we renew every year with the doctor.

Thanks.

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kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 16 9:51am

Update: I went out and bought 3 high end air filters - one for the bedroom, one for his office, and one for the living room. I have had them all on since Monday afternoon. Waiting to see if it makes any difference as he is still deliberately honking up phlegm and checking the color and texture. Really gotten gross.

He has gotten on my case because I just don't sit in the living room and watch tv with him because I can't enjoy it and he is always honking so it is hard to hear them (I turned on captions, but he doesn't like that). Too bad.

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