Dealing with adult son with mental health: Parents want to share?

My father was emotionally abusive angry questioned me and other family members over and over. My first husbands online porn addiction falls under domestic violence so I got domestic violence services and treatment. My mother was the enabler the rescue person. My maternal aunt was abusive to her adoptive children. My mother's first cousin was molested by another family member yet it was shoved under the rug. Not surprising she died of uterine cancer..My paternal grandfather was hit in the head developed epilepsy became abusive. My paternal grandmother got an order of protection against him divorced him raised 3 children in poverty. I emerged from illness with a seizure risk . I accused much debt getting my life and health back. My father tried to force his way into my apt angry because a creditor called him. At the time I had paid all fees for a chap 13 bankruptcy but not to be filed for another 4 months. When my father did this my anti seizure medication was being tapered under medical supervision. He put me at risk for a seizure. So he was taken to court and he was issued an order of protection by me . My taper was completed successfully. I have been seizure free for over 10 years. My eeg is a breach rhythm now abnormal but non epileptic. Transgenerational trauma is heart
breaking. Do have or find any peace with your situation? What happened to you was not your fault. Your son needs all the help he can get. I hope and pray there is an answer. Sorry for my typos. I type to fast. Is there anyway you can get help or therapy for yourself?

May I ask if your son has any income? Polypharmacy is a bad situation. If he is abusing his psychiatric medicine that is worrisome. Sometimes a crisis results in healing. I hate to say that but it happened with me. I wish my family members had addressed these issues. I asked one of my domestic violence therapists did some of the resources available to domestic violence victims- the year was 2018- exist in the past. Her answer was yes some did. Heart breaking to know . I still struggle with this because the decisions made by my family could have been altered changing the future. Another therapist reminded me you can talk to someone till you are blue in the face yet not change the outcome.

So very sorry to read of your beyond horrific family history of trauma.
Yes, you are absolutely right. Trauma is trans-generational. My ex's father's was an abusive man. My mother and her sister lost their mother at an young age and were raised in poverty by an alcoholic father. All kept very secret...I always suspected he molested my mother but she barely spoke of what she went through as a child. My mother was emotionally neglectful of me.
I also can go on and on.
Yes, we must be in the present...we can not go back.
And sadly, my son saw the abusiveness of his father over and over.
I am glad he does not have children or married. I feel he would be abusive to his family.
Yes, my son makes very good money. I feel he is probably abusing his medications or using drugs also. Has a history of it...but not before his world came apart.
Yes, I am starting therapy because of my son and plan to attend NAMI meetings.
Thank you for sharing so much...it's is helpful to know one is not alone.
There are plenty of adult children who break their parent's hearts. No matter the ages.
All the very best to you!

Thank you. I am doing well. Married again. Very good man. A veteran. I live 1900 miles away from my father. My brother the so called golden child is close by and in charge. The best to you and God bless

I am so sorry. Your heart hurts and you are feeling helpless, it's an awful feeling. I too have an adult son, age 23, who had a "switch" flip in the fourth grade. Settling on perhaps that it was trauma related (separation/divorce), and not trusting adults or parents with his safety. He's had anxiety socially and from that -developed depression, despite special counselling knowing the divorce was coming, and outside counseling after the flipped switch. He has been suffering ever since. Also, refusing counseling or does the minimum (relies on meds to "fix" himself). Shortly after the pandemic, he reached a new low, which I didn't think was possible. He was "out of body." Dr's put him through physical testing as they thought he may have MS. He actually hoped it was MS, so he could point a finger at it, again relying on meds to see him through. He now checks all of the boxes for personality disorder (in my mind). He's not the same. My advice is to seek counseling yourself. Find a counselor, and don't stop until you find one that is a good fit. They HAVE TO do the work. They have to "want to" get tools or the right medication, to lessen the suffering. As parents we can worry and work as hard as we want towards a better outcome for our boys, but we can only support having them get help, and yes, pray.

@kelly62, it's a tough row to hoe. I completely agree that counselling for one's self is beneficial. Did you find a good counsellor? How did they help you?

I did. I actually returned to the counselor who helped me up until and through my divorce 20+ years ago. I was blessed to work with her. We picked up like no time had passed. She is very to the point and gave me the reassurance and guidance that I needed. We only had a handful of sessions to help me to understand what I was and was not in control of.

Yes, so much is out of our control with adult children who sorely need help - the right kind of help.
That is what's so frustrating for me. I am a former psychiatric nurse and I can clearly see my son is not getting the RIGHT kind of help. I believe he is not completely honest with his current psychiatrist and, therefore, has not received the correct mental health diagnosis nor the right medication(s) to help him. Perhaps he is staying with this MD because he can manipulate him into thinking he is "getting better and fine"??
There has absolutely been no improvement in him, in the 2 1/2 years he is with this particular mental health outpatient clinic. His former therapist (his age) I now believe encouraged my son to disconnect from his parents and his psychiatrist is only 36 years old with 8 years experience (my son is 40 next month). In fact, he has gotten progressively worse, more and more isolated...I would now say completely isolated from the world, and his paranoia towards everyone (including me and his father) has worsen. My ex husband and I can not recognize him anymore. That former therapist was promoted and left his position. A new therapist was assigned to my son - but he didn't like him so he sees no one now.
As parents we remain "there for him, in anyway, love him unconditionally" but he doesn't reach out to us for help. The only thing he continues to do that's "normal" is work (from home)...as he must. He has lots of expenses...in an expensive city & must pay a mortgage.
My current therapist simply tells me "this is your son's life journey now, there is nothing you can do". And my journey is "to learn acceptance." I get that... But I know his mental health treatment is all wrong, it's obvious it's not effective. His mental health issues have not improved one iota. That's proof enough for me.
But my hands are tied because of HIPPA laws - I can not speak to his psychiatrist without my son's permission and he will never allow that...so this particular clinic tells me. However, when I worked in NY as a therapist I had family members call me all the time. I simply listened but did not divulge any of my client's treatment plan to them. My clinic allowed this - perhaps b/c we were a state mental health facility treating the sickest of the sick. This clinic is private and can make up their own rules(??)
Nothing will change until he changes his mental health team. And he has no intention of doing that.
So what is a mother - who has 25 years working in mental health - do for her only child. A "child" who was living a fantastic life, fully engaged in life, work, traveling the world and with many friends from all over the world? A "child" who loved life, who loved to laugh and was the best son in the world to his mother?
I called the clinic and spoke to the office manager - her only questions to me were: Is he a danger to himself or others? I could not say "yes"...if I did she told me the clinic would not intervene but simply call the police to take him to an ER for a psychiatric evaluation. And my son would know it was me who did this to him. And never forgive me in his present state of mind. What if my son commits suicide? Would I be able to say to myself "I did everything humanly possible to save him? NO. And how would I live knowing that?
He told me once he had a dream he jumped off his balcony (14 floors)...and said "How can I go on living the next 40 years without Pam in my life?" (His best friend of 30 years who died suddenly last year) His other trigger was the loss of a job he absolutely loved. He was gaslighted by his boss - not for a poor job but for excelling in it. His new boss wanted the "glory" for himself and he was transferred to a job he never wanted...still working for the same company. No motivation to seek another position. This is a guy with a MBA obtained from the best international business school in the world - he was in school in France and Singapore. Speaks 3 languages. He is beyond accomplished, a leader in every way. My heart is shattered this happened to him. And he is not getting better and I can not help him. Something has to be done. An intervention of some sort has to happen.
This can not continue because his treatment is all wrong.
Do I wait until he is completely out of his mind? Then I step in?

Everything you said... I can unfortunately relate to. I finally got him to the ER at Mayo Rochester with his permission. My hope was for an admission. It was advised based on the intake, but they also offered to figure out a plan if he didn't stay. There was his "out." He didn't want to stay, so he promised he would get a new psychiatrist, he said he lied about trialing to take his life (just to get my attention), and so we left with a "plan." He later confessed that he lied about lying to me because he didn't want to stay. I painstakingly went through all of the providers that would work with our insurance. I had him call and request interviews so that he could choose one he thought he could work with. They would call him back, but messages went into voicemail, or he wouldn't call them back. He is on the same meds that he said, "aren't working." He is getting no CBT, which is what would be most helpful. He is getting no therapy or counseling. In his mind, he feels that HE KNOWS, IT WON"T HELP. Now our insurance will be changing. It can be so frustrating. The whole thing. I so get it @briarrose

I more than get it Kelly62.
I also believe my son is now a master liar and manipulator. All part of serious personality disorders...my main issue is that he has not been diagnosed correctly and, therefore, is on the wrong medications. No improvement in mental status in 2 1/2 years and has gotten worse. How do I speak to his psychiatrist? I know all about HIPPA laws...it looks to be impossible. And my son is never "wrong"...it's everyone else that is "wrong" about anything - from the silly to important issues. Has no trust in anyone...& certainly not his parents.
I called my local NAMI chapter yesterday and had a long talk about him with the director. His first question was "what's his diagnosis?" and there's the issue - certainly depression, anxiety, my son says he has ADD (my sense is he loves the drug Adderall)....but the paranoia has gotten extreme. I believe he is not giving full disclosure to his psychiatrist, lying to him too - not revealing all his symptoms. Certainly not the paranoia.
The director feels he has schizophrenia! I was shaken to the core! Paranoid Personality Disorder or now...Schizoid Personality Disorder but Schizophrenia?? I don't believe he has the full criteria to be diagnosed with this disorder. I don't believe he is experiencing hallucinations...delusions probably yes and the paranoia for sure. But then again, when we do talk he tells me absolutely nothing about himself. He steers the conversation to my multiple health issues. I stopped asking him things like "how was your weekend?" because he would consistently tell me 2 things - "I rested" or "I cleaned". A 39 year old, after working all week, does that on his days off?? I now believe he spends the entire w/e - day and night in bed. It's beyond heart-breaking for me. Knowing what kind of life he lead...to what he has become now. The NAMI family support leader is going to call me on Friday to offer support and assistance. Their meeting is tonight and we can not make it. They meet the 2nd and 4th Wednesday of the month. The director strongly suggested to go to the meetings...I will be helped, he said.
It's so unfair in many ways - I was divorced after a 30 year marriage to an abusive man...I got remarried to a wonderful man at 59. Spent 30+ years working as a RN - even got my college degree at age 46 to better myself in my nursing career. And now as I face the age of 70 my precious son is falling apart and it certainly seems like I can not help him. This is now my retirement and I am not well with heart disease, etc. etc. I can cope with my medical issues....the helplessness I feel over my son is killing me. The worry is overtaking me. So unfair to my husband. And, of course, my son does not deserve this...he worked so hard in his education, the best schools, he is so smart. A great guy and always wonderful son. And now this?? Very hard to bear.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and for your understanding.