Dad won't let go of driving

Posted by heartyrainbow @heartyrainbow, Oct 5 5:53pm

My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia, and his doctor told him he needs to stop driving. However, he doesn't trust doctors, and he sees nothing wrong with him driving. Mom took a couple of actions so far:
- She hid his key, but he is determined to either find the key or get a new key.
- They went to get a spare key from the dealer, but she called the dealer beforehand to explain the situation so that they don't give them the key right away.

These are just temporary solutions. He will eventually find a way. Maybe get a new key himself, or maybe even get a new car!
He has been nagging my mom so much about the car it's making my mom sick, literally.
Maybe have his license revoked and sell his car? But he might still try driving my mom's car.

Please give me some ideas on where to go from here. Thank you.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

heartyrainbow | @heartyrainbow | Oct 7 10:09pm

In reply to @1995victoria "maybe best to unplug car battery......Hopefully he won't remember to call AAA for help." + (show)

Thank you for the idea, 1995victoria!
Now that he found out which dealer to contact, he would go straight to the dealer for the battery, unfortunately...

pgm | @pgm | Oct 9 10:37pm

I have been dealing with the driving issue for over2 years on a daily basis with my husband. He has always loved cars. Being told he could not drive did not go over well at all. The neurologist told him you have done so much for other people you need to let others drive you. Sit back and enjoy not having to worry about driving. All the keys are put away. He says I’ll just go buy another car so I’ll have the keys to drive. He has not been able to do that. I’m the bad person that want do anything to help him be able to drive. I signed him up for a driving test at a hospital that provided driving test for people that have some disability. He did not pass. But he still thinks he can drive. This is just an on going issue.

heartyrainbow | @heartyrainbow | Oct 10 12:54am

In reply to @pgm "I have been dealing with the driving issue for over2 years on a daily basis with..." + (show)

Hi pgm, thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this for over 2 years! It must be tiring to have to deal with it every day.
I was actually thinking of having my dad take the driving test, but after reading your story, I'm not sure how effective that would be for our situation. I'm sure my dad's response would be similar to your husband's.

celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 10 2:30am

My dad doesn’t bring it up much now, just occasionally. It was rough for a while though. He still fixates on it by asking me to get the mileage, check oil, check coolant, etc. Good ideas, but he fixates on them.

My cousin got confused one day and couldn’t figure out how to get out of her car. Neighbors had to assist her. No one let me know! I wasn’t aware of her condition. When I began to assist her as Power if Attorney, she handed me her car keys and said the car is broken, get rid of it. She never mentioned driving again.

4goakley Kathy | @4goakley | Oct 10 7:02am

Timely discussion. My husband was advised last week by a geriatric specialist to stop driving. The very nature of this disease ( i.e. cognitive impairment) prevents the person from "understanding" the decision. He is a bit angry at the doctor but at least agrees to not drive as he does understand he will no longer be covered by insurance.
I am grateful that he is a cautious person.
Good luck to all in this situation.

Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Oct 10 5:13pm

In reply to @heartyrainbow "Hi pgm, thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear you are going through..." + (show)

I did this with my Mom - the one blessing, at least in Minnesota, is if they fail the evaluation, the assessor notifies the state and the license is cancelled. It didn't stop my Mom from being mad at me for making her do the assessment. But as a life-long law abiding person once she got the cancellation notice from the state and the insurance agent, she didn't drive again.
So overall it was worthwhile.

celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 10 6:25pm

In reply to @4goakley "Timely discussion. My husband was advised last week by a geriatric specialist to stop driving. The..." + (show)

I hope he remains resolved, but often they change their mind about accepting the decision to not drive. Or, they forget they ever said it. That’s why getting someone with cognitive decline ot dementia to agree to not drive may not be a permanent thing. You can’t trust them to honor that decision. We’ve learned to really hide the keys because he would get to them if he had the strength on a good day.

Scott R L | @scottrl | Oct 10 6:42pm

A friend of mine lost her eyesight to macular degeneration. She had to quit driving.

It was tough, but she had (I think) the right attitude.

When she went to the DMV to exchange her license for a state ID card, the worker asked, "Downgrading from a driver's license, huh?"

My friend replied, "No. I'm upgrading to chauffeured limousine."

celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 10 6:59pm

In reply to @scottrl "A friend of mine lost her eyesight to macular degeneration. She had to quit driving. It..." + (show)

Love it!

blip4891 | @blip4891 | Oct 11 4:37pm

I have a friend whose husband literally did have a limo service drive him to his memory day program. I think my friend would have preferred he take a regular taxi (this is before Lyft etc.) - but apparently that's what he insisted upon and arranged for himself (!) . I imagine it was less expensive than an accident would have been! Maybe this is the going rate to buy some peace of mind?