At what point are you considered alone forever?

Welcome, @binky1956. Thank you for joining the conversation inspired by @texasguy1962's post. I get what you're saying about recognizing what one has rather than what one doesn't.

The loss of the love of your life only 3 years ago must be hard. If you think it might help, please join the discussions in this support group:
- Loss & Grief https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/

You offered wise counsel "We all have a purpose ~ a reason why we're here. Try to find THAT!"

May I ask, have you been able to find a purpose? What brings you joy?

@lizziel1 - I can totally relate! I know it's been a few months since you posted this, but I'm just reading through this thread for the first time, and just wanted to stop to say how much I understand!

I'm the same age as you, never married, though up until a few years ago always wanted marriage as my ultimate goal. I am in a 10-year relationship, living together for the past 4 years now. I do thrive more when I have someone to do things with, and feel "more calm" when there is an "us" when we're out & about - in a certain way - than if I were to be doing everything on my own (though I've lived on my own up to now nearly ALL of my life).

I guess it's kind of complex - for me, and I venture to say for all of us. Recently I'll say I've really questioned our relationship, as he doesn't "relate" in the way I need: not much eye contact, not hearing (more due to not paying attention, or increasingly slow response time, not as attentive to me affectionately, etc.). I'm not sure he wasn't always that way and it's just surfacing more, as he may be defaulting to his lifelong mode.

And I certainly ruminate on my contribution to this dynamic, as I have ruminated all my life, wondering why I cannot find the kind of deep, soulful connection I crave, while looking in every possible way for it. And, especially like you said so clearly: "I can truly say I don't believe I was ever loved as I should be".

Warm wishes on this journey. It really helps to have MCC here to share these experiences with others, lessening the alone-ness and sense of isolation when never finding the connection I/we crave.

Hugs. I hope you have many kinds of rewarding and heart-warming experiences along the way. I keep trying too!

I am definitely alone forever. My husband died 3 years ago. We had a very long relationship. We dated for 3 years before we married and were married for 59 years. Also I am very old. In 11 days I will be 90 years old. I am in pretty good health, with no chronic diseases so I don't have to take a ton of drugs just to exist. I live independently in our home. I do not have dementia so I am able to make all my own decisions. Best of all I can and do drive - even on freeways. In other words, I am like everyone else; just a bit older. However I realize that when I enter my 90th decade there is not much time left. I have always been awkward with people. I do not have any support system. I have a couple of friends, and we get together for lunch every so often. I have two sons. One lives in Asia and the other has thrown me out of his family. So there's that. I have thought long and hard about my situation. Bottom line is that I feel more comfortable, albeit lonelier, just being by myself so that's the way it is going to be. All my financials, trust, will and funeral arrangements have been made.

I retired at 67 and in one year I volunteered for Casa, nursing home ombudsman volunteer for the state, and Love inc. I picked those 3. I have been divorced for years and family all lived at least 3-4 hours away or out of state and I had relocated across country to here and knew no one. That was 15 years ago. We do not have time to waste and I want to enjoy as much as possible. And I have!!! Also discovered Mayo in Rochester in 2009 and go there yearly.

I got married at 18 and had two kids in my early 20s. Then by 29 I was a divorced, single mom.

I spent my whole life trying to please everyone else and putting everyone’s needs ahead of my own. I’m now 72 and I can honestly say that I’m relieved and happy that I no longer have to live my life trying to make everyone else happy. I have some good friends, good neighbours and I’m active in my community.

I rarely feel lonely because I have a lot of interests snd hobbies.

I am so very sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. My wife and I have both done counseling individually and during some difficulties, we did get in couples counseling.

It absolutely helped.

I know that many many people are resistant to getting into counseling, so I know that may not be possible.

Another thing you can try, if he won't do it, get in counseling yourself and with your counselor discuss the relationship and see if there are not ways to repair it some.

So, I would not give up on it, not just yet. As far as his disconnect and inability to connect with you deeper. I think it is possible to make progress in that arena. And the solutions might be very very simple. Finding his heart through the difficulties of life? He may need a certain kind of time, a kind of warm up period for his heart to engage? Oh, who knows, he may like talking about the old neighborhood and that awakens the spark in his eye and after a few minutes of talk about that, he is generally more open.

But, you know, there may be keys to bringing that nice heart to the fore. And, you know, the idea would be that the conversations with the therapist might open up some ideas for you.

So, you know, help him win his heart back...not just for you, but for him also. Anyone disconnected is lost and in pain too.

As far as what you wrote:

"And I certainly ruminate on my contribution to this dynamic, as I have ruminated all my life, wondering why I cannot find the kind of deep, soulful connection I crave, while looking in every possible way for it. And, especially like you said so clearly: "I can truly say I don't believe I was ever loved as I should be". "

True confession here....I am a former monastic. And I still think a lot, through that world. The only reason I mention it is that, I am not sure folks quite understand that, in the monastic life, we are searching for that kind of connection...through God. And the point being, it is a life long search. Very difficult. And whether you are searching for that kind of love and connection in regular society or the monastic hill...either way is going to be, you know, the major work of your life.

I think we hear so many wonderful stories about life, we presume that the search for the deepest connection is just a walk in the park. And, in my experience with myself, my monastic friends and in life, in general...that journey is very very hard work, for us all.

And, I also think, the vast majority of marriage relationships, romantic relationships, also struggle for that kind of deep connection. I don't think it comes easy to anyone.

Now, the point of that is not to say...oh, well, we are all cursed and life is doom. No. The point of that is to try and much more deeply respect the bits of connection we do get...and to keep working for more.

And to not discount the bits of connection we do get...as valuable to us as they are. Whether that is with a nice pet, a friendly conversation with a cashier, a card from a relative, whatever.

Take it all in. View it all as a gift from the universe.

Get out, do some volunteer work and connect with others that way. For me, that always is an injection of hope and joy.

As far as deep spiritual experiences of connection? What we are taught in the monastery is that the basic foundation and seed of all deep spiritual experiences is peace. Now that is an easy word to type, but its meaning is broad. And it certainly means a level of patience that few of us engage. That is a huge secret. Within deep patience is accepting of all things.

One saint wrote: be like the earth, absorbing the entirety of all misery in calm acceptance.

That kind of deep patience and maybe even the word "long-suffering" allows our consciousness to glean depth that is always there, but we just "walk by."

Where is the gold?

This is the question that we all ask ourselves.

And most often the answer is...right in front of us...and all the time..but we have not allowed ourselves that deeper dive...because it is very nuanced or maybe fragile even. And we just keep walking by it.

Generally that is the case with folks. Certainly with me. I know it is not an issue for others. But with others, obstructions to the deepest spiritual feelings are just other issues.

One great saint fell into deep connection with God, watching the beauty of some geese flying overhead.

Another fell into deep connection with God, watching a tree in the wind, in winter.

Is it just a tree? But, like a painter, take a deeper look at its lines, its bark, the nuances of color.
And then, apparently, the saint could go deeper still.

This is part of the meaning of "be still and know that I am God." That if we still our anxieties and energies and nervousness and on...and come to great calmness...God that is always there, starts to show....

I don't know if this is waxing didactic. I have brain damage from carbon monoxide poisoning. Not easy for me to connect with others anymore. Trying to share, not preach.

Anyway....best wishes to you and hubby.

very best wishes to you.

I am very very sorry about all the difficulties.

My grandmother was quite alone in the end. She passed when she was 104. I have been quite ill my entire adult life.

I used to go over her house (she lived on her own into her 90s) and have lunch with her. But most of the family just never bothered. That made me very very sad and angry.

I hope you have some good peace and joy in your life.

Very best wishes to you.

yes, I think staying very very busy is super key.

I bet all that work you did for others, kept many people safe and happy!

best wishes to you.

Volunteer. It is soooo rewarding.

Yesterday was my 90th birthday. I am still amazed that I have lived so long. It turned out to be a lovely day, but I am under no illusions that all days will be like that. I have mentioned in some previous posts that I am awkward around people. So I have now made a decision that I am not going to try anymore. I have a couple of friends in my community and that will have to be enough. At this point I realize that even though now I am healthy things will start to go downhill and there are not many more years ahead. But that's okay. I had a wonderful husband and we travelled so I have been to so many places around the world. Now is my downtime and when it comes I will be ready.