I feel like start running and not look back!

@mariana739: This is soooo true.

I'm so burned out on one-sided situations right now that that is coloring my response here.

Yes, there us give & take, but when all it takes is for the other (partner) to communicate, be present (not on his phone looking at cars), look at me when I/ we are talking, make a verbal reply to my efforts at communicating (even an affirmative sound would be something), then I don't know what else to do. None of this costs anything; he won't address my concerns, he knows (I said it recently) he's "killing me" (my spirit, my identity) with his lack of engagement. And this is "caring"? "Loving someone"?
So all I can muster right now is to 'return the favor and shut down myself.
Not very productive, but I'm weary of this vacuum from him.
Sorry - I know "couples counseling" would be the obvious advice, but I doubt he'd do it. And I'm already working with 2 therapists myself.
Such a waste of life & potential.
But if the other won't play, there's not much else to do, is there?
Appreciate the chance to vent.
Not necessarily looking for advice, but if you've "been there", I welcome your sharing.
Hugs to all. Life is short!

PS - I am not in a caregiving circumstance in my relationship. However, I am currently struggling in my relationship with a withholding partner.
I AM a supporter of my mother who we got into Personal Care in May, with much resistance from her.
Just want to clarify my situation.
But I AM empathizing with all here who are posting about giving their all and struggling (or not) to draw a line.
Take care.

Hi Mariana,
I have not "been there" I am there. But every day is different and I savor the moments when we can have a conversation. I have to understand that my partner is different and changing and it's not his fault. He is not doing this to me, it is a disease that is happening to us.
So I do everything I can to keep us "together" and engaged. I read him articles even though he will stand up and say "I have to go to the bathroom." I then just read to myself. I say we are going to a grandkids activity and he says "I'm not going." And I take him anyway and he enjoys it.
We go out to dinner and we still have date night. I read advice columns and we ponder what the solution could be even though most times he can't follow the problem.
I am so glad you have a therapist. I have a therapist, chrystal healer, and girlfriends.
Hugs to you - yes- life is short.
We are doing our best.

It’s so hard. Like you I feel I am losing something not just my husband, me in the process.
I accept the things now he says even though they are wrong, there is no point in arguing over something so trivia, well it appears to be. I am concerned that over time I will start believing what he says and not what I know is correct.
We went out shopping yesterday we were heading down some steps because he fractured his back in the past I said do you need to hold the rail, his response was get out of the way. Unfortunately there was someone else on the steps so I had to explain he was referring to me. It’s better if I don’t offer my help. Because of his hearing aid issue I find I am talking to him less about life in general it’s to hard to raise my voice all the time I get hoarse. Okay that’s my venting.
I normally keep these hinges to myself but the other day I asked my sister I hope I don’t complain to much which I don’t there seems no point, I was surprised when she said yes as I hardly tell her anything mainly because she is not interested she did retract her statement to say well maybe not complaining. Well I certainly won’t be discussing my husband at all with her anymore. I guess I will just listen to her issues. Well! It is 6:20am ready to start a new day. My husband had 3 biopsies done yesterday at the dermatologist so I need to check on those after his shower, along with the rash on his breast and the sore on his bottom. 😂 and let’s not forget the physical therapy we have to do for his back.
Have a good day and keep plodding along. 😍

I hear you! I'm working on keeping my side of the street clean, recognizing reacting to partner's fears, rants, accusations, justification and explanations is worse than pointless. I become upset....kind of like taking the poison and expecting him to die. So, since it's too late to leave the relationship (his medical/mental issues need more support and I imagine heavy guilt and shame to cut and run), I'm talking with trusted others for how to manage, one day at a time. Yes, my life has changed dramatically...so today I will take a walk in woods, make the dinner planned, get out with a support group. Try to hear and carry out my greater purpose, not manage anyone else's life. And continue to research affordable future care options!

Wow. I just said to myself yesterday. Watch who you talk to about this. Some do perceive it as whining. Referring to your sister’s reply that you do complain a lot. That is sad but if you’re not on this journey KT is hard to hear and hard to understand. And a spouse is so hard because as you said you feel like you are losing him and yourself.
Well complain all you want here. I have a pen pal and sometimes it’s just venting. I read with a smile because I do understand and I’m glad there is a place I can hear others complain or vent - not just me.
In a way, I find myself here.
Wish we could all go on a retreat. Hang in there 🙏🏻

Wouldn’t that be wonderful! A retreat with people who understand and empathize with our situation. And yes, this group is a blessing!

I almost thought I wrote this. Keep venting online because there is someone out there who needs to know they’re not alone. ME!

And me too!

Good evening @brandysparks, and to all other members of Connect who have found this subject of interest. Ten years ago I met a gentleman on "E Harmony". We definitely had similar interests in art and our grandchildren. We even had the same textbooks in graduate school, and had both spent quite a few years as therapists for high school and collegiate students.

Doesn't sound too bad does it.? We could both quote client-centered Carl Rogers from his "On Becoming a Person " book. We decided that was enough. I sold my mountain home in California and moved my art and myself to the Midwest. We had great fun remodeling a wonderful home right on the Mississippi River. The grandchildren were treasures and we loved having them visit with their parents.

Then, all of a sudden or so it seemed, we found ourselves in the category called "AGING"-----Prostate cancer......reverse shoulder surgery.......weight gain......small fiber neuropathy. Our visits were most often to medical facilities. We developed gratitude for our proximity to the Mayo Clinic.

Mentally, we found ourselves blaming these difficult aging issues and the impact of their treatment on each other. Visits from friends and family members were delayed or canceled. My favorite playtime activity was feeding chipmunks.

Somehow I sold him on the idea of Couples Therapy. It went pretty well until it didn't. He got a referral to a personal therapist to justify his wants and needs. I found myself in Cognitive operational therapy to help me cope with pain and loneliness.

I can see opportunities appearing.. There is absolutely more sharing and acceptance. So my message to you all is to not give up. You and your partner deserve to find the joy of happiness.

Chris