Estrangement Grief: Anyone else going through this?

I had been estranged from my son on and off for several months at a time, mostly due to his drug use. Our relationship would get close again when he was off the drugs. It is hard when mental illness is involved to put things aside. My son passed away in April after moving in with his girlfriend just 3 weeks after he moved. Our relationship was great at the time. The few days leading up to his passing something was off with my son. I could tell. He was using xanax that week. Ultimately he took too much and mixed it cocaine which cause a cardiac arrest. His girlfriend was most likely using her drug of choice heroin as well that night. My son's brain suffered too long without oxygen and would have remained in a vegatative state the remainder of his life so the decision was made to take him off life support on day 9. All I can say if there is any way you can repair your relationship with your estranged adult child try. You are not responsible for their actions or how they feel and most times you can't change anything but guilt is a terrible thing to live with. I did not answer the phone that last time my son called at 9PM because I was annoyed with him and that was the night basically his life ended.
Could I have changed the outcome of that night? I will never know.

Add me to the list. I have two sons and am estranged from my youngest. It all started when his daughter (my granddaughter) got married. He told me not to make plans to attend, even though I received an invitation, as I was not wanted. Later I found out that his wife told him that I was not wanted because she thought I would create a scene (?) and she didn't want her daughter's wedding ruined by me. Some time later my son further informed me that his wife thought I was very judgmental and she could not handle it so I was barred from ever visiting them. Prior to all this happening my husband died, after a 62 year relationship. Because of Covid we could not have a funeral. More than a year later I finally determined that this could be done. My husband was a Korean veteran and he was buried in a military cemetery. They all came to the services. They did not stay near me. When I asked my son if he was going to drive me and his father's ashes to the cemetery I was told that I had to do this on my own. Two friends took me. All during this time they exhibited only coldness. There were no expressions of sympathy at all. So after much consideration I removed this son from the position of trustee and replaced him with a fiduciary trustee. I also altered the terms of the trust so that he did not inherit very much. I am not worried that he will contest this because it was all done by my ex boss, who is a trust specialist and for whom I worked for 23 years before retiring. I am going to be 90 years old in 17 days so probably do not have too much longer to live even though at this point I am in fairly good health.

@sueborfl @mslw @estherspivak @thisismarilynb, I moved your messages to this discussion group on Connect where members are talking about estrangement grief:
- Estrangement Grief: Anyone else going through this?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/estrangement-grief/
You may also be interested in this related discussion:
- How do I grieve an estranged family member?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/how-do-i-grieve-an-estranged-family-member/
What tips do you offer to others who may be newly estranged from an adult child? What helps you?

Did I say say BUYING- I meant BURNING…..OMG- that changes the story a little.

I'd be willing to be the liaison for such a definitely needed group. Perhaps one of the mentors on this site can communicate to me how to even begin organizing, etc.?💝🙏🏽

That is very generous of you. But I think we have to appeal to the group moderators and find out how this is formed.
I’m leaving for New York tomorrow. Will be gone a week.
I think right now we would need a head count of those who say are interested in joining. I have no idea of the steps involved.

Colleen Young: I'm in full support of what so many members have expressed about wanting a group for those enduring such emotional and psychological pain from estrangement and all that it entails.

Pls contact me if I can be considered to be liaison within such a group. You can private message me and I'd welcome being able to discuss.

Thank you,
Iris