Siblings don’t seem to care

@alzdaughter Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I know that many of us have been in similar situations, where family members seem to ignore us in time of need. No, you shouldn't have to shoulder all of this alone. Do your brothers understand your dilemma? Are they keeping a family and work going? And sometimes, family members do not want to be reminded in any way how another member has physically/mentally failed. They do not know how to respond, so instead, they don't at all, leaving one or more to do the brunt of the work.

Here is a link to the Alzheimers Association. There you will find resources, and hopefully a support group near you. Check with your faith community for a support group, also, or the Agency on Aging/Senior Services in your area. https://www.alz.org/

My mother had Alzheimers mixed with dementia. My father chose to care for her alone, pushing away any offers of help.
Ginger

Thank you everyone who responded I appreciate you and Ginger thank you for the helpful link full link👍🏾

Caring for family members who have dementia can be very stressful and exhausting. I think it’s common for some siblings to become scarce. I suspect they feel overwhelmed or too scared to get involved. In a way, I get it. I’ve had the full load for 3 family members now, two involving dementia. I don’t really blame them though. I don’t think the siblings can handle it. I try to get support elsewhere.

One does visit your Dad once or twice a week?! I would be over the moon if one or both of my older two adult kids came (or just stopped by to visit) once or twice a month. How about a year. I'm sorry, what is it you expect that one to do? You may not have meant for it to all end up on you, when you moved in with Dad, but that's apparently exactly how your two siblings are taking it. And likely, they're very happy about it. My youngest lives with me too, and I don't even have a cognitive disability. The only way I ever get to talk to (just one) of the older 2 is if I call him. Then, I get, at most 5 minutes before he has to get off for something. He's used "baking cookies" 3 times, just in the last year. He's used dinner is ready, He's driving, it's endless. My sister told me to just accept that it's gonna be fore 5 minutes, each time, at most.

I had an aunt with Alzheimer's and her (only) two adult children, found out she had that diagnosis and they put her in the nursing home, sold her house and everything she owned (almost). That was back in the 80's. They sold everything they didn't want of hers, spent, or put in a trust fund every dime they could find of hers, and I think that was about the last time they saw her. One of those boys of hers was a Lutheran bishop! Then, people wonder she stopped knowing her own relatives when they went to visit her. My Dad faithfully dropped by, no matter how painful it was on him. She died 20 years later. It's horrible just to know about it, firsthand.

Your Dad, and your Mom are lucky, and mightily blessed, to have you. The one who stops by once or twice a week, if you need him to do something, tell him so, and be specific. Maybe that's all he needs, a little directness. Or...maybe the visits are the best he's going to do. For your Dad's sake, accept whatever he'll give.

Some of us would be enormously grateful for weekly, monthly, or quarterly visits in person. And so would the adult sibling who otherwise gets no one outside the home to talk to, that knows part of what's going on. The one who won't listen to what's going on with Mom, I suggest you find an ear to bend outside your new/old home with Dad. It's not just them who needs to know it, you need to have someone to talk to about it. Like a senior in your church, and old friend, or even a kind social worker. God bless.

With relatives, the best thing I've ever done to change them, is to pray "Lord God, change me first." Most of the time, we can't change other people. Especially, when they don't want to. What we can change is us, ourselves. Good mothers do this all the time, as they raise infants into toddlers, into the dreaded teenagers, then adults. Then, we have to adult relationships with them too!

You are not alone. My brother is a pure narcissist. And dangerous too. Some people just don't connect with others. And those folks can be a lot more than annoying. They can be dangerous. There are plenty of people that just can't be fixed.

You simply have to just avoid them.

To you, he is your brother.

With my brother? I am just some object in the corner of the room. Zero emotional connection. Zero loyalty.

Hey, some people are like your siblings. My brother acted exactly like yours when both Mom and Dad were declining until they passed. He is only 15 months older than I am. I am a retired Physician but was working throughout all this and took it all upon myself. He did nothing except some financial matters for them. Mom and Dad would ask about my brother, I would say I dont know or I'd text him and have him call them which he did and of course they'd be so happy. It actually made me happy as well. He never saw either of them prior to them passing, he will live with this forever if he even cares. I have cut him out of my life. I have prayed about it many timers and I'm done. I am sure you have talked with your siblings about this but I pray actually that it will help. I know how hard it is.

I truly appreciate you. Just knowing that I’m heard and that others understand helps a great deal. Thank you

You hit the nail on the head. I believe my brother is a narcissist as well. I do my best to use the ‘grey rock’ method and give him it as little supply as possible. It’s just sad that there are so many of them out there Thank you so much for responding to my post, and I definitely wish you the best.

Thank you and you are correct. At least I do have one brother who is helping